Nightmares

I am not sleeping very well

I keep having nightmares

I keep dreaming that Bea has died

When I wake up and look at her

I panic and think her face is all distorted

Puffed up and blue

I know that my mind is playing tricks on me

With Tilda’s anniversary coming up

I know

But the recurring imagery is terrifying me

Tilda was not puffed up or blue when I found her

She looked like a porcelain doll

She did not look scary at all

Like Bea looks in my night visions

It is horrible

And I am scared because I do not understand

Where the visual is coming from

Today I woke at 4am

I was so scared

Bea woke at 4.30am

I do not think I woke her

But perhaps I did

To reassure myself she was alive

I do not think I woke her

She is just at that stage

As Tilda was at a similar age

Of getting up for a nappy change and a play

In the earliest hours of the morning

I love Bea so much

I have not written much about her lately

But she is beautiful

And so much like Tilda in so many ways

She also has her own ways

And her own strength of character

Bea will be 5 months old tomorrow

She is sitting as Tilda was

And is full of love

at 5 months bea tilda

Tilda’s anniversary is less than a month away

I am not sure I can bear having this nightmare

Every time I sleep until then

I wonder if I should stop sleeping with Bea

Perhaps the dreams are a message

But if Bea is to die

I cannot let her die alone in her cot

As Tilda did

I wish the dreams would go away

I wish I could grieve for Tilda

And be with Beatrice Hope

And not let the two get muddled in my mind

I hate the dreams

I do not want to see Bea die

Even in my dreams

I am trying so hard to live in the daylight

By night

Grief is chasing me to the very corners of my mind!

raising rainbow big

11 thoughts on “Nightmares

  1. I’m so sorry Jennie. Is there anyway you could sleep with white noise on which might somehow intercept the brainwaves that are causing your nightmares? I love to sleep with the sound of the waves on my phone with this app called ‘Calm’ because I am a bit of an insomniac and find it hard to get to sleep at night. I wonder if some background noise like that could influence your subconsious enough while you’re sleeping to get you some dream free nights? Love and hugs xxx

  2. I want to write something as your words just struck me but I don’t have such a way with words like you do. So I’m sending love & light & wishing you some peace X x you are so incredible for each day continuing to be mummy to your beautiful children. Your stronger than you know xx

  3. I can’t imagine how awful this must be for you. You are doing so well Jennie. We all see it, how far you have come and the strength you have. The love for your four children shines from you. I wish I could help to ease your pain. Just know I’m thinking of you and wishing I could give you a hug.

  4. im so sorry you’re suffering with nightmRes, I know from experience how awful it is. Have you thought about more counselling, for both bereavement and for PTSD? The nightmares and flashbacks returning might be a sign that extra support could help you x x x

  5. I couldn’t read without telling you that this is how my PND manifested. I have no history of loss, but would wake every night and either go looking around the house for my baby, in a confused state (he was in the crib next to me, but I would be sure he was gone), or be convinced he was dead, and wake him. You’re not alone, it made me never want to sleep.
    I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

  6. Jenny. I am sorry you are going through this. You’ve had to do so much being strong for Bea and the others it must be the minds way of letting out the grief.
    I hope it subsides soon. Will pray for you sweetheart xx

  7. “if Bea is going to die…” Bea is not going to die! … well not till she’s at least 100 years old. Please repeat over and over again, till your subconscious gets the message and stops messing with you.
    Hugs to you.

    (I remember waking up at that 4-5 months mark often drenched, disorientated and distressed. I put it done to hormonal changes and sleep deprivation catching up in my case. )

  8. Thinking and praying for you at this time Jennie that you will sleep in peace and dream of lovely things. Leaping through spring meadows, flying through the clouds. I am so sorry you are going through this and I am unable to help but I will pray for you. My baby boy has nightmares, I have no idea what of as he is too young to tell me other than they may be of purple minions or monsters from monsters inc. he sleeps much better since I started praying for him (and his teddy) every night. I will now pray for you each night too xx it’s not much but it’s what I can do xx

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