Today is a day I have been waiting for

Ever since I first knew I was going to be a Mummy

The first Nativity play

I should be so excited

I am excited

But also full of sorrow, fear and dread

The Nativity story is a beautiful story

The story of a baby

A mother and a baby

Esther and William are singing some beautiful carols

Traditional songs for children

Ones that I sang when I was at school

Here we go up to Bethlehem

Little Donkey

Away in a Manger

I know it is not uncommon

To shed a tear at the first Christmas play

But I worry that I am going to be sobbing

The beautiful words of those wonderful songs

Sleep in heavenly peace

Fit us for heaven

Twinkle twinkle little star

Seeing my living daughter dressed as an angel

And wondering if that is how Tilda might be now?

Thinking of the one Nativity play we will never see

Would Tilda have been Mary?

Or perhaps the star?

I will be avoiding that group of parents

Who each have a child Tilda’s age

All cheerily predicting what parts their children will play

When in two years it will be their turn on the stage

Bonding together over the fact their children will once again

All be together in the same year

I will have Bea in my arms

But will be missing Tilda beside me

As she should be watching the play

And longing for her turn

Trying to distract the angel and the camel/sheep

She knows to be hers

Today is the day of the Nativity play

And it is going to take every ounce of strength I have

To go and see it and smile

For Esther and William who are so proud

So excited for me to see

And sing along

Without choking on my tears

I am crying already

I wish this did not have to be so hard

I wish my daughter was here

Saying can we go yet?

Is it time yet?

I wish that together we were rushing over the road

Filled with the joys of the season

I wish my baby was here