How PND Manifests in Me

I cannot focus or think straight

My brain is racing from one thing to another

Never finishing an idea or thought

I feel like I have a fever

Then I am shaking with cold

I have grand plans, ideas and schemes

But I never get anything done

I obsess about things

Worry and stress

The stress batters my immune system

I pull muscles in my shoulders and back

My wisdom teeth get infected

I struggle to do daily tasks

I work out what needs doing in my head

But it seems beyond my physical capability

I rage inside my head

But keep the thoughts to myself

Til I blow

At the wrong person

At the wrong time

All the while there are people around

I can pretend that I am okay

But once the doors slam shut

I panic

I cannot breathe

I am angry

Then so sad I cry

Uncontrollably I cry and cry

Sometimes loud heart shaking sobs

Sometimes silent haunting tears

I am confused about what I want

Unsure of what I need

I know there are things I need to do

But have no energy or motivation to do them

I feel it build inside of me

Build and build with nowhere to go

I lash out at the ones I love

Hideaway from the ones I like

Hiding away more and more

As I dislike myself more and more

And there are moments when the lights come on

The sun shines bright and my skin feels warm

There are moments when my children stroke my face

And I wrap my arms around them

Everything feels harder than it should be

Because I have forgotten how to be me

I cannot remember who I’m supposed to be

I don’t know who I am

raising rainbow big

6 thoughts on “How PND Manifests in Me

  1. I recognise parts of myself here. PND complicated by grief is very messy indeed. My psychologist has told me to try and be ok with feeling however I feel, whether that’s good or bad. Not easy, but it’s recommended as a way of working through it. Sadly, there’s no easy way through it. I think one of the hardest things to recognise and accept in grief is that we will never be the same as we were before our children died – that’s why we don’t recognise ourselves, and it complicates things still further. Hugs xxx

  2. This all sounds very familiar.
    I don’t have any quick fix advise.
    Keep Talking – it helps!
    Prioritise which tasks are important and then set yourself small achievable goals each day e.g. Today I am going to get one load of washing done. It makes the days less overwhelming.
    Try and get as much sleep as you can. Being tired makes everything feel ten times worse!
    Lots of hugs
    xxx

  3. This is how I felt when Daniel was 4/5 months old. First Dr thought it was only baby blues. It took until Daniel was 8 months old for me to see another Dr and be prescribed anti-depressants. Don’t wait as long as I did and go and see a Dr you can trust now. You will get better. This is only a phase. I am not 100% right but I am a million times better than I was now I am on the pills. Am here if you ever need to talk. Use the #PNDChat or #PNDHour (Weds 8-9pm) on Twitter in a similar situation who can offer support. Big hugs. You will get through this xxx

  4. Very familiar, so sorry you are going through it. So glad your HV is starting the ball rolling with listening visits. It can be very hard to say things out loud you can’t unsay; why not print this out and post it to her? My counsellor was an enormous advocate of writing and you are so eloquent. I think several of us used to write long rambling very painfully honest letters and then spend sessions insisted we were fine; she knew though and having any channel of communication helped. They don’t suit everyone, but I found antidepressants (sertaline, which is one that can be used with breast feeding) was vital in helping quiet my racing mind and dampen the anxiety to feel safe enough for counselling and find a tiny bit of order to get basic things done. Really basic lists help!

    Be kind, this will pass and when it does then you can try and do everything, but for know look at the basics. You, David and the children, eating, drinking etc; anything else can wait xx

  5. When I had PND I made lists. One list had three things on it.
    Things I must do
    1. Feed the baby
    2. Change the baby
    3. Feed me.
    the next list had
    Things I can do if I can
    1 Washing
    2 washing up
    3 shopping list
    The last one was
    Things I will do if I am able to one at a time.
    and that had lots of things on it!

    It takes time, it is a chemical imbalance, it can be treated.
    Be kind to yourself.
    Much love
    The next list had

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