The Unintentional Blagger

Today I am feeling really really low

I am not in a good place at all

We spent the weekend doing festive family things

But as always they come with a cost

Guilt for Tilda

Missing Tilda

The house being in a state because we did not spend the weekend sorting it out

David cross that he did not have time to do the things he wants and needs to do around the house

Esther and William had a wonderful, magical time

They are, I hope, unaware of the heartache that comes after

I am almost certainly suffering from Post Natal Depression

Or perhaps it is still PTSD?

I don’t know

All I know is that even though I lied on the mental health check sheet

Trying to convince the Health Visitor I am happier than I am

She saw straight through me

And I am glad

She has offered me six ‘Listening Visits’

When she will come and have some tea

And talk to me

Or let me talk to her

I am looking forward to that

Because as much as I try to hide it from everyone

I am really not doing very well

More and more often I am calling Bea Tilda

I am now in a position where I do not go out on my own at all

I get panicky in my own home that I am not doing enough

And I am not doing enough

For my family

I have got really bogged down in blogging

I love my blog

It is the one thing I do that is all mine

I had such high hopes for where it might go

Where we might go together

At the moment though it is causing me a lot of stress and heartache

As I fall further and further behind with things I need to do

Before Bea was born

I had this idyllic notion of how things would be

Esther and William would be at school

Would be happy at school

Bea and I would be at home together

And while she slept I would write

Of course in reality it has been nothing like that

Esther and William do enjoy school

But they are exhausted and are now only going part time

Their behaviour is unrecognisable as they meet the demands of school

Our home life is not as enjoyable as it once was

David is busy with work

But as I am struggling mentally, emotionally and physically

He is still needing to help a lot around the house

We are all a bit of a mess

It feels a lot of a mess

And I worry for Esther and William and Bea

That we will never get our happy back

And at the centre of it all is my blog

When I was pregnant with Bea

I had all these grand plans

For baby features and promotional posts

Brands I wanted to work with

I made proposals and was sent products to use and review

I am so behind with those reviews

Because life has just not worked out as I planned

I was so sure that Bea would have a bed in each room of the house

That she would sleep safely beside me wherever I might be

In reality the only place she ever sleeps

Day or night

Is in mine or her Daddy’s arms

Bea will be 4 months on Friday

And I have all our safe sleep reviews outstanding

And more

I have every intention of reviewing the products

Of writing about them on my blog

But it is taking so much longer than I ever anticipated

So much longer than it should

I have become an unintentional blagger

Though I hate to type it out loud

I am certain that there are people fed up of waiting

For me to write what I promised that I would

This post is one that I hope everyone will read and understand

That I have not intentionally let anyone down

But life, and death, have got in the way

And though I am slow

Slower than slow

At getting things done

I will never permanently let anyone down

But now

Right now

I have to come first

I have to rebuild myself for my family

And after that my family must come

And only after that my blog

So I am sorry if you are waiting for me

I have mucked up and I am in a muddle

But I promise I will come through

On all posts and reviews

I ask only for patience and understanding

And believing that I will get them done

First I need to not get stressed when my baby needs me to rock her to sleep

I need to be able to say yes when my four year old son asks me to stop and watch him play

I need to be able to colour with Esther, to help her confidence as she learns to read

I need to hold hands with my husband, put my laptop down and watch a film

I need to get out of my house, take a walk, drive my car

I need to remember how to be me again

I am sorry if you think I am a blagger

I promise you that I am not

Just a very slow and heavy hearted blogger

Who promises things will get better

Who promises things will get done

raising rainbow big

15 thoughts on “The Unintentional Blagger

  1. Oh hun! It’s so hard! I think you’re right you have to focus on you and your family and let some other stuff go! Even if things had been ‘simple’ it would still be a mammoth task keeping on top of everything with a new baby and E &W. You may not think so, but you’re doing amazingly well already. You are asking for help and that’s the first step!
    I only have experience of one child (and I’ll soon see as I’m pregnant with my second) but my daughter only slept in my arms during the day (and sometimes in the sling or buggy if we were out), for at least a year. Sometimes the naps were long and I just sat there, on the sofa for hours. I just let everything else go! I know it’s not that simple when you have other kids and I’ll find this out when I have two, I just hope you’ll feel that this, at least, is normal and you’re not alone. I don’t know if any of this helps at all, or if you want to just disregard it all, but I just wanted to try and say that I’m thinking of you!

  2. I am sure that if you have reviews outstanding, those involved will understand that you’re falling behind. Having a new baby and everything else on top of it is so hard! I have emailed companies before and explained I am short on time right now and they have all understood. On a practical level, i write down all the reviews that I need to write and then I allocate 1/2 per week, and let the company know that is when to expect it. In the meantime I sometimes do a qucik round up post with a review to follow, and lots of pics on IG. This can help appease those that arent’t happy. At the end of teh day blogging is a hobby nad if it causes stress it’s time to step back
    x x x x

  3. Oh my goodness drop the reviews! Do you really need the products? do you need that pressure? Your blog is inspiring, and moving, and wonderful, because of what you write about your life. I’m not a fan of product reviews on any mummy blog – I think they are boring and far too many of them – and I also don’t think you need to feel you have to blog regularly. Once a week woudl be fine and understandable! A blog post a day is just unrealistic (I think!).

    I was a prolific blogger until I had a to do list of posts stacked up and realised it was sucking the fun out of blogging. I now hardly blog at all but do want to do more but I only write when its helpful.

    But if its stressful, that is a very EASY thing to cut back on. Your mental state is far more important and my god if you are spending more time doing it than you want, and not spending time with your family as a result, then do cut back.

    I am trying to be helpful by the way, not to tell you off! Sod the reviews – you coudl always send products back and say you don’t have time – I’ve had to do that before and people understand.. I wouldn’t accept anything more for a while as well.

    Thinking of you x

  4. Don’t be so hard on yourself, I have 4 year old twins and it’s so hard to keep them entertained and give them everything they need and I do not have a baby to look after too.
    Could you maybe get a cleaner either for a one off deep clean or once a week to help keep on top of everything. Pay someone to do your ironing. Even if it’s just for a few weeks until things settle.
    We use a slow cooker as I find twins give me more time in the morning than in the afternoon so I prepare dinner then.
    Online food shopping all these things will help give you some more time with the family.
    Maybe take baby bea to a baby group it’s great for her but good for you to get out of the house and do something fun with baby.
    X

  5. Jennie, I am sorry you are feeling low and overwhelmed with all you have to do. Just a suggestion but what about at least taking the housework out of the equation and getting a cleaner one day a week. You could ask your extended family to club together and pay for one for a few weeks as a Christmas present. I wish I lived near by and I would come and help you sort out your house, cook you a meal, light a fire, make you a cup of tea and give you a warm hug. Unfortunately all I can do is listen from afar and hope some good friend or family member can do all of the above for you instead. Is there anyone who can help sort out the mundane house tasks so you can concentrate in your mental and physical health. Thinking of you xxx

  6. Oh Jennie – I’m so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. I think sometimes we all have to just take a step back and look out for ourselves first – not easy for any mother. You have a lot of virtual support on here – but yes, I agree with others – take a step back from the reviews and just write when you want or need to write….xx

  7. It is so hard balancing life, being a mother, a friend, a wife, a blogger etc. Sometimes I feel I have to let something go and that will always be my blog, I know it will be there waiting for me-and sometimes I think it is good to say no to reviews as I often find myself getting stressed by deadlines (of course I never see to say no as I always think it’s a great opportunity)!!
    I am glad that they saw through the false answers on the post natal questionnaire (something that is too easy to do in my opinion-I know to well as I lied after having Alex!) and I am glad you have the sessions which will hopefully help. As with everything else, perhaps make a list either for a day or for however long you need it to be, and just try one thing off that list a day, and just take it slowly-sometimes when you write a list and look at it, it doesn’t seem as bad as you make it out to be in your head. Take it easy on yourself-take time for just you and your family xx

  8. Thank you for the big hug you gave me this morning,that meant a lot to me,if you ever need one back just let me know,a hug,a cuddle,goes a long way,sometimes these mean more than words,just take one minute at a time,then that minute ,your family is so much more important than anything elsa,Only you will notice that the dusting or other thing have not be done,there is always tomorrow,as the saying goes,

  9. Have just read this post after reading you PND post. Glad you have an understanding health visitor, embrace her and all the support she can offer. Regarding the blogging, take some time out, put an out of office on saying sorry for the delay but you are working through a backlog and will be back soon. PRs don’t mind as long as they know. I know David is working hard but could he take the children off you for a couple of hours or so at the weekend and let you rest (or blog if you want too?) Enjoy the empty house or escape to a coffee shop with wi-fi and have some blogging/me time. Do not feel guilty for doing this. We all need an escape every now and then. Am here if you want to talk. Hugs xx

  10. Hello! This is the first post I read on your blog and it really touched me. I feel for you and I wish I could help.
    By the sound of it your blogging equals a full time job. It is always quite difficult to reconcile working hard and looking well after a large family.
    It comes down to choice. I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago, always taking on too much, worrying about deadlines and stressing that I was disappointing people. My relationship was largely neglected. Only now I realise that my biggest worry was in fact that I wasn’t living up to my utterly high expectations and to the amazing picture I had painted in my mind.
    At the end, I chose to be happy and do things that make me and my family happy rather than always catering to the needs of more clients that I could humanely work for.
    I wish you good luck in making your own choice and I am sending you my best wishes,

    Rossi

  11. Oh Jennie what can I add that hasn’t already been written? Nothing, other than to send you my love. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your heart and your soul. Write if you feel like it, if it brings you solace or joy. But if it bogs you down, don’t. You WILL feel stronger. And on those days you can bash away at that keyboard and write stunning posts about lovely products. But until then be present, be still, be kind to you x

  12. What a beautifully honest post, hope you get your groove back on soon. It is so hard to remember and recognize what is important in life, I am going through a similar thing with my shop, when you know in your heart that you must slow down and pay attention because the important things are passing you by and the unimportant things are taking over! be present and try to be happy, so much respect for you! Em x x

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