I look in the mirror
And I do not recognise who I see
A drawn face
Strained
No sparkle to the eyes
It is my reflection
A picture of me
As the world sees me
Someone I am certain
I no longer know
Every day is a battle
I no longer jump out of bed
With energy and enthusiasm
Hunger for the day ahead
My nights are broken
Not by the beautiful baby
Lay sleeping in my arms
But the persistent nightmares that plague me
Haunt me
And chase away my dreams
As the Earth spins on its axis
Days become nights
And weeks so quickly turn into months
The world is always turning
People always moving
Moving on
I watch them
The people
Travelling their journeys
I witness their frustrations, their pain and their fear
I see them laughing, smiling, loving people dear
I feel I have lost my old self
Yet I am not someone new
I feel like I am drowning
With no strength or motivation
To fight
Survive
I feel like life is busy around me
Going on without me
I am stuck in a hole
And passers by no longer see me
I am stuck in a deep dark hole
With no one to help me out
I feel like I am under a cloud
Some days I feel I should dance in the rain
Is that what people expect of me now?
I have had my time of sadness
I should come on in out of the rain
My storm is never going to pass
I should learn to splash in the puddles
Snap out of it!
I hear them say
Perhaps it is not them
Perhaps it is me
Desperate to be a better wife
A better mother
A better friend
I have been a terrible friend
Because even now
Most days it is all I can do
To be this shadow of me
This shade of the person
Wife, mother, friend
I long to be
Where has my confidence gone?
Where is my laughter?
Where is my energy?
My motivation, my desire?
I am losing my battle with grief
I am not even sure I know how to fight it anymore
Or if it is worth it
I have no idea where to go from here
Or how to get out of this hole
Some things are impossible
Some things just are
No words, just love <3
Oh jennie, I.wish I could make it better. More so I wish I could bring back matilda mae.
There is no right way to feel or behave. I hope you are getting time to meet a counsellor to help with these feelings.
xx
Remember when you look in the mirror, that the reflection you see is NOT what I see when I look at you. You should know that you’re doing so much better than we all expect, carrying the enormous weight on your shoulders of all you’ve been through the last 5 years AND with the tiredness of mothering a new baby, which frankly makes having any control over your mood and mental state impossible! And anyway, what do others’ expectations matter, really? It’s your expectations that are important… What expectations are you placing on yourself that might not be for your own highest good? 😉 Love You xxxxx P.S. Tilda spoke to me through little signs so many times today… x
Oh Jennie – I wish I could take away some of your pain. Please don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I wish I could word things better and wish I could do something to help you. xx
Some things just are. For very different reasons, I feel much the same way as you. Two miscarriages, 8 years of trying and we couldn’t take anymore. Last Saturday I moved in on my own. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror anymore, I don’t know where the old me went and I haven’t found a new me. I too have been a terrible friend, and now I find myself alone in this house and no one has visited except my Mother and I’ve only myself to blame for that, I suppose. I wish I’d been a better me. I always thought anything was possible, I’ve now realised it’s not. Sorry I don’t have anything useful to say but Thank you for this post, you put things into words so much better than I can x
I am so sorry things are so hard x x x Hope your Mum gives good cuddles x
You sound so defeated. I wish I knew you in real life so that this post could spur me into some kind of action. I hope that those around you feel as I felt reading it – that this wonderful lady has been so battered, and now needs others to pick her up a bit in some way.
Nobody and nothing can ever make it better, Jennie, but it sounds like you need a little more help with putting one foot in front of another right now. William, Esther and Bea need you, and they don’t see anything that you see, or how you feel. They just see Mummy -.the sun their little worlds revolve around. It’s a tremendous motivator – the best one you will ever find, but it’s also a terrifying responsibility. Don’t be afraid to ask those around you for help if you need it right now – husbands, friends, doctors, health visitors, counsellors. Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others with theirs.
Small steps Jennie. You are grieving. Give yourself a break.
PS I think that YOU look amazing! And I saw you the other day so I should know.
PS remember with or without grief, kids age you 😉 xxx
those who care about you and love you will never tell you to snap out of it. You will never stopping matilda, just as no mother with children who did not die would ever stop loving them. I know you put lots of pressure on yourself to be who you think you should be but nobody else really knows what that should be either. It really is enough to be you!
X x x
The energy is heavy at present. Don’t necessarily think you are a shadow of yourself or that you are not coping. You may just be a sponge. Soaking up everything. Put your boundaries back. Every day seal and protect your aura. Imagine yourself surrounded in peace, in love, in white light, and Christ. Put your first 2 fingers 2 fingerwidths below your belly button. Press gently down, and inhale into your tummy so you push those fingers out. As you inhale draw in strength and as you exhale, let go of everything that no longer serves you. You are strong you are divine, you just need to reclaim your power.
Lots of love, L xx
Jennie,
I’ve been reading your blog and following your life for a long while. Although I have not experienced the loss of a child, I can’t help but think that Tilda would be sad to know how grieved you are. You were blessed to have her and experience all the joy that she was and still is because she lives in your heart and your soul. Others post that you shouldn’t expect to much of yourself and it’s okay to feel the way you are, but I read the words of a woman who desperately wants to be anything but the way she is now. Someone else posted that you should put on your oxygen mask first and they’re right. You cannot take care of your family unless you’re taking care of yourself first. If you’re seeing a counselor that’s the first step; if you’re not, please talk with a professional. You have so many people rooting and praying for you and we’ll continue to listen. Please know that I’m writing this for a woman I’ve never met face to face, yet with love and concern for a stranger I consider a friend.
Sending love, I hope things get easier for you in some way xx
Jennie,
Do you follow Mitchell’s Journey on Facebook? He writes so beautifully and with so much emotion about grief and living following the loss of his little boy. You may find a tiny bit of comfort in his words. With love x
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