From one of the 1 in 4

When I found I was expecting another baby due towards the end of 2014. I was shocked, it was not the best circumstance.

That moment I went in for my first scan, the time I heard that flickering heartbeat, I instantly fell in love.

It was a typical pregnancy; Nothing unusual.

Every appointment I grew in confidence knowing that baby was happy, and growing.

He would spend hours kicking away, it was a healthy pregnancy.

The summer came, sucked into the baby shops.

Enjoying the heat, lots of well deserved family time.

Thinking about names, birth plans and pushchairs –

I was getting excited.

August 2014

My precious little boy entered the world.

15 weeks early but beautiful in every way.

All 1lb 6oz of him truly perfect.

The team did everything, but I knew that I had lost him, finally placed in my arms that bitter sweet moment of knowing I would have to hand him back.

The heartbreak of not knowing why this had happened.

The following few days, I still don’t remember.

I don’t think I ever want to try and remember those days.

I don’t speak of the day of our goodbyes.

That was a moment for us, but my boy’s ashes now travel the sea, so he is always there no matter where the years may take us.

We visit the beach in all weather, watching the waves and knowing he is there.

I do wonder how life could ever be good again.

I do worry if I am a good enough mum.

People expect me to move on, but I am not ready for that.

I will try and smile, but there are moments I just can’t.

All those moments of what ifs, that won’t go.

But for those friends that have stood by me thank you, for the one person (who should know who they are) that has text me for hours on end at times, I could never say thank you enough.

“There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.” – unknown.