Capture Your Grief: Before

The last few weeks have been really hard

Esther and William starting school

Leaves our house much quieter

Emptier

I am very grateful to have Bea keeping me busy

Literally keeping my hands (arms) full all day

But the emptiness

The quiet

Makes it clear how much we are all missing

Through losing Matilda Mae

sids8

I miss Tilda so much

But I also miss me

I know that I have changed

Some people are no longer comfortable around me

I am no longer comfortable around some people

Life can never be for me how I would have dreamed

There can be no ‘happily ever after’

I am always going to be missing a part of me

Jennie & David-35

Our family can never ever be complete

Nothing can ever be perfect

Nothing is ever quite finished

No day ever feels quite right

There is someone missing from every minute of every hour of every day

Every special event is marred by her missing

Nothing can ever be as it was before

I can never be who I was before

I can never be who I hoped I might have been

I try so hard to be the best mummy I can be

The best wife I can be

The best person

But I know that most days I fail

I am a shadow of who I used to be

No longer as full as I was before

I miss who I was before

I miss the old me

I wonder how things would be now

Should be now

If Matilda Mae were here

Life was not easy even before she died

Premature twins was not easy

Three children under two is a challenge

But we were happy

Finding our feet

When our daughter was snatched from our lives

Looking way back to before children at all

Before IVF, pregnancy, major surgery, premature twins, NICU, SCBU, pregnant again, three children under two, SIDS, grief, Rainbow

jennie and dave aug 08 087

Before any of that I was a teacher

I was a good teacher

Passionate about what I did and who I did it for

I have never met a teacher so passionately involved with each and every child in her class … I truly feel G has learned so much from you alone, both academically and emotionally; I will sing your praises forever … I cannot thank you enough for the person G has become down to your hard work.

Words cannot express how delighted we have been with J’s school year. he has adored every moment with you and flourished in confidence and ability. We could not have asked for a better teacher and are so sad that this year has come to so quick an end. I still remember my special teachers at school and I know J will talk of you forever.

What can I say that hasn’t already been said? You truly have been an inspiration to that class. I have seen A change from a tearful, timid girl to an all singing, dancing extrovert! You have encouraged her to read and now she loves picking up a book. I know how hard you work and it is amazing … In A’s school memory book she has written her wish for next year is to stay in Year 2!

I miss teacher me

That is the me David fell in love with

The me he made his plans with

Built his hopes and dreams with

jennie and dave aug 08 103

And look at me now

I am not the me I was before

How can I be the me I was before?

How can we be the we that we were before?

Before is no more

There is no more before

There is only now

Only after

Only on and more

lonely me

5 thoughts on “Capture Your Grief: Before

  1. Ah jenny, what a heart post. Perhaps you will never be the old you but I know for sure you will do amazing things being the new you, with the memory and spirit of tilda staying with you along whatever path you may walk x

  2. Jennie – you have failed at nothing. You are doing the best that you can under horrific circumstances and your best is fantastic. You may not be an employed teacher at the moment, but you still have the drive and the passion and the need to educate – look at all you have done in Matilda’s name. Look at all you do to raise awareness of SIDs. Look at all you do to make the twins’ days fun and educational. There are no words to make it easier. But you are BRAVE. You are DIGNIFIED. You will all muddle through each day as best as you can and every day will have its challenges. You will move forward as a family – and I think moving forward is different to moving on – you will move forward with Matilda within you. Matilda is in your hearts as much as before – she really has touched so many lives. I quite often have Roy Orbison playing in my car and the song I told you about takes on a whole new meaning now – I honestly do think of you all at some point each day. xx

  3. touching post jennie. Have you ever thought about becoming a childminder? You want to be home for bra obviously and with childminding you can be home but also benefitting children’s lives. I wish you well on your journey. Please don’t ever think you’re not good enough, you sound like a great mother and wife. Sending big hugs! X

  4. Don’t feel you are failing, you do so many lovely things with and for your children! I hope, despite everything that has happened you find a little of your old self again x

  5. Don’t feel you are failing, you do so many lovely things with and for your children! I hope, despite everything that has happened you find a little of your old self again x

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