Everyone is moving on
So much to see and do
Everyone is moving on
Starting some thing new
School and work bring challenges
Fun and learning to
Everyone is moving on
And I am left with you
I am left with my babies
One in my arms, one in my head
One I can only cry for
One needs to be cuddled and fed
But it is hard to separate the two of you
Hard to say the right name
Sat alone in a quiet house
I can be convinced you are both the same
I know you are different babies
One here and one in the sky
But the tug at my heart
Stops me moving on
It is something I cannot abide
I do not want to turn my back on my past
Move on to pastures new
There are no more steps along the world for me
Not when I don’t have you
I am stuck in some kind of limbo
Between the earth and the sky
Desperately needing to say hello
Not able to say goodbye
I watch Esther and I watch William
Every day they change and grow
Bea is blossoming hour by hour
And it hurts I will never know
What you would be like now
How our lives should be
How we would spend our days
If you were here with Bea
And as the world still turns and turns
As friends and family move along
I cannot seem to get anything right
Everything feels so wrong
I miss my daughter with all my heart
I hate we have been torn apart
I miss all that my baby should be
I hate what her dying has done to me
I am a shadow of myself
It hurts to smile and laugh
I cannot leave my baby behind
But I have to choose a path
Everyone is moving on
And they are leaving me
They are happy and having fun
That is what they want me to be
But I don’t know how to do that
Even with a rainbow in my arms
I don’t know how to do that
With pain so heavy in my heart
Everyone is moving on
So much to see and do
Everyone is moving on
Starting some thing new
There is no rule book for being me
No guidance on what to do
No help for how I am supposed to be
Now that I don’t have you
But as the Earth keeps spinning round
I feel more and more left behind
Left by you and left by life
So much hurt in my spirit and mind
I want to be a carefree mother
Who laughs and loves and plays
But your death has left the darkest shadow
Over all of my days
You should be here
This is where you belong
You should be among us
Moving on
I cannot make sense of a world without you
A world where babies die
I cannot make sense of a world without you
When one of those dead babies is mine
I don’t know how to move on
I feel so guilty for wondering how
But I fear what may happen if I am left behind
If I don’t start living again somehow
I have children who need me
A husband who needs me too
I wish I knew how to be all things to them
While still being true to you
Everyone is moving on
The house is still and quiet
But in my heart and in my mind
Grief is causing a riot
Is it okay for me to start living?
Should I be moving on?
Just even trying to think that
Feels so incredibly wrong
I miss you Matilda Mae
In all I do and all I say
I wish I knew how to love each day
But still be true to you
Everyone is moving on
So much to see and do
Everyone is moving on
Starting some thing new
But I can’t move on from you
Don’t move on without Matilda, move on with her. You carry her in your heart, her ever presence penetrates all your actions, you are deeper and more thoughtful because of Matilda’s presence. Harness her presence and make her proud of her mummy who loves life and laughs for her.
Hugs and kisses.
Such an emotional, heartbreaking, tearjerker of a poem. I understand how difficult it feels when the world feels like it is moving on. Everyone seems happy. I am not, my world has ended. How can I be happy when my Hugo has gone? But I try to remember that Hugo loved life, he did what he wanted and when he wanted to do it. It’s really, really hard though. Hugo is always in my heart, as Matilda Mae is always in yours. We do our best with our lives in tribute to our precious, special babies. Love and hugs. xxx
This sent shivers down me and really tugged at my heart! I cannot even pretend to know what you are going through and I don’t want too. You have been so very brave and continue to be. You do not have to move on without Matilda, carry her in all you do! I really hope that some day you will feel ready to live your life but in the mean time I am sending so much love xx
Tilda will always be with you.
I agree- move on with her. You will never ever leave Matilda behind, how could you? But smiling and feeling happy does not mean that you have forgotten her or that you are betraying her. And not feeling happy does not mean that you are letting people down. Just as there are no guide books on how others should behave around you, there are no guidebooks for you either. The only way you can be is to be yourself, and allow yourself to be you. Matilda will always be with you in spirit I am sure x x x x
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and just felt compelled to write a short note as reading your beautiful poem brought tears to my eyes. Reading your blog has made me appreciate my children even more than I already do, life is precious and I cannot imagine the pain you have been through. Your love for Matilda shines through in every word you write, and it’s very clear how much your little girl was loved and continues to be loved and remembered in so many beautiful ways.
Love to you & your lovely family, you really do deserve every happiness.
You can move on, you take Matilda with you. She grows within your heart and your family. Each time you meet with family members you will wonder aloud to each other about Tilda, each time you see E & W with Bea you will wonder aloud how Tilda would have fitted into the equation. Perhaps, whisper it, Bea would not even be part of the equation yet.
Life moves on and we move on with it, at our own pace, lagging behind, leading the way, walking alongside.
There is no right way. You do what you think is right for you and yours. You KNOW that you will never forget. Perhaps a quiet 5 minutes every day, at the same time of day, where you can just think of Tilda each day will help?
Thinking of you all. x
Such a beautiful poem, but it is so heartbreaking too.
You all carry Tilda in everything you do, it must be so hard feeling torn between family and baby in the sky, but I am sure she will want you to be happy with her siblings and her Daddy, she will always be with you in spirit. Take care xxx
Every single post I have read on your blog shows how much you love all your beautiful children. Is there any way to move on after losing one of your babies? I doubt it, but your writing about Matilda Mae is sad, heart-warming and so full of love all at the same time. It is obvious you adore her and will never forget her.
Such an emotional heartbreaking read. Hugs to u* u r stronger than u know. Sharing your story is strength in itself. Your courageous and inspirational & a brilliant mother. So full of love.
What a beautiful heartbreaking poem. Moving forward needn’t be leaving Tilda behind. She’s in your heart forever. You will always miss her terribly while you watch your children grow. No-one who has known you during this time could ever think you would forget your little girl, and no-one would judge you for the happiness you can enjoy with your family xxx
I am in tears and I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I can relate to your feelings of loss. Like the other replies have said take her with you. See her in everything you do. See her in the sunshine, in the waves, in the breeze and in the rain. She’ll be with you always.
Maybe the words moving on are the wrong ones – moving forward is perhaps a better phrase. It doesn’t have the same implication of leaving something behind. You know, and everyone who knows you or reads your words knows, that you will never leave Tilda behind but carry her with you always. I can’t imagine how hard that must be, but you are finding ways. xx