So Esther and William are about to start their third week at big school
This week they will stay for lunch
They are loving school
They are learning and making friends
They are utterly exhausted yet weirdly hyperactive when they are at home
We are all adjusting
To another new normal
The time flies when they are at school
There is hardly time to worry or get much of anything done
The hardest thing for me about big school
Is the playground
The dropping off and the collecting
As the mummy with one child too few
One child too few
It is so glaringly obviously to me
But although we live in the heart of our village
We have no friends here
I am not sure how many people know
That there is one of us missing every day
As a parent on the playground
There is one obvious topic of conversation
The one that everyone tries to start with me
And I awkwardly shy away
From the innocent chat
The unintentional hurt
Of passing remarks
No one has asked how many children we have
They assume the three they can see
Every drop off and every pick up
I feel like shouting her name
I feel like telling someone
Anyone
That Matilda should be here too
There is one mummy of a boy in Esther and William’s class
Who I think I might really like
Think I could become good friends with
But talking to her is so hard
She has three children
A boy in reception, the same as the twins
A baby, like Bea
And a boy the same age as Tilda
It breaks my heart seeing him everyday
Seeing them all together
As we should be
With Tilda desperately wanting to stay at school too
There is another little girl on the playground
The age that Tilda should be
She kisses her sister goodbye each day
And sometimes cries as she goes into class
My heart shatters
Wondering if that is how Tilda would be
People make comments that strike like daggers
Comments that hit like stones
‘You will certainly keep the school going’
‘You could almost have a child in every class’
‘You have your hands full’
On the days when I collect Esther and William without Bea
Someone always comments on how I have forgotten one of my children
Or how I seem to have lost a baby
Ow! The pain!
When Matilda Mae was born
I planned her life in my diary
This was supposed to be our time
Special times while Esther and William were at school
Until she started preschool next year
I had it all planned out
I do not just miss Esther and William while they are at school
I miss Baby Tilda too
And the toddler she should be
And I miss the mummy that I should be
And I know that with every school drop off
Every school pick up
I am closing doors on potential new friendships
The other parents must think me so rude
I wish that they knew
How I wish I could chat as easily as they do
But I am a mummy with one child too few
The school playground can be a really intimidating and lonely place even without what you’ve been through, Jennie. Just take your time with friendships. I’m sure other parents don’t think you’re rude. We are into the 3rd year of going to our school and there are still parents who keep themselves to themselves and everyone respects that.
Every milestone that TC goes through I send whispers of Matilda’s name to the skies. It must be so painful for you to see children of her age at the school gate too. The photo I took of TC last week that I told you about is so precious and every time I look at it I think of Tilda. I would have loved for them to both meet.
I cannot find the right words, I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to read and run. Sending you love xx
you always say good things, thank you and thank you for remembering Tilda x
I grew up in a small village much like yours and believe me, people knew everything about everyone. There is a chance people do know, but do not know what to say or how to say it. The sad fact is that people are scared of baby loss, which is why your blog and all that you do in Matilda’s name is so important. I think over time, as people get used to seeing your face, and you theirs, it might become a little easier. It will always be hard to tell people initially, but as E&W make friends and develop friendships at school it is almost inevitable. And those other parents on the playground who make such remarks may turn out to be wonderful friends. Don’t be too hard on yourself, and take it slowly. It must be so so hard but I know you will find a way to make it work x x x
thank you x
As E & W make friends and tell them of their sister in the sky, so the word will spread, if it hasn’t already, you may well find that other mummies too know the pain you feel.
Why not speak to the vicar in your village? He may have some words of advice?
Speak to the School, they too may have some advice. I find it hard to think that a teacher in the School may not have come across this situation before.
Alternatively, be bold. Approach the Mummy you think you might be friends with. Invite her and her children to tea, there are enough things in your home and garden to initiate the spark in that Mummy. Maybe that Mummy reads your blog and is trying to pluck up the courage to speak to you. It will be hard, and why should you always have to be the one to do it, but faint heart never won fair lady…. as I am sure you will be telling William in a few years time!
Maybe next year when Bea is a little older and you are in a position to, you can run a fundraiser actually in the village or through the School for the Lullaby Trust? That would make it very plain!
Good Luck, and I love reading about how E & W are doing at School, it takes me right back some 20 years!!
You always talk such sense x Thank you x
As they grow you will make friends with E & W friends mums dads etc.
Speak of Tilda speak shout her name , your talking about it could help someone .
Soothe you.
I know your hear breaks but we are with you x
thank you x x x
Did you think that there may be parents in the playground in exactly the same place as you are? With one child (or more) too few? Until you have the courage to open yourself to the potential hurt of talking about Matilda, you will not find that you may not be walking the path of child loss alone. I have found it better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Being brave in putting yourself ‘out there’ in the early stage of a friendship is the same. We are risking hurt and harsh comments but unless we try, we won’t know what might have been. I hope you find the courage to open up a little to the parents of E & W’s friends. I’m sure amongst all of them, there will be a kindred spirit. I know in our school playground I found my best friend.
thank you x I want to talk about her so much and I am sure I will, it is hard though with new people x We generally talk about her all the time withh friends and family and at home x
The comments that have been expressed are so true, please take comfort that most people if not all, at school,in the village feels the pain that you and David are going through,and I’m sure that there are some that would not to be able to cope,and I’m one of those.
thank you x x x
I understand the urge to avoid conversations. It can bring back the pain, and there’s the possibility that the person will react badly, or say the wrong thing – so sometimes it’s easier to avoid it. It’s difficult because just like you love talking about Matilda Mae, I love talking about my Hugo. Just as so many people in the online community have offered support to us both, I am sure there are some mummies and daddies who will listen sensitively and offer support. You may even find that some of the other parents do know, but wonder how to start the conversation. There may even be other mummies in a similar situation, but like us may be worried about bringing the topic up for the same reasons as we avoid it. There’s no easy way of doing it, sadly.
I know exactly what you mean about missing being the mummy I should be. xxx
I find the school play ground so intimidating, so can empathise how it must be so hard for you seeing other children Tilda’s age and wanting to shout her name out. Perhaps when clear friendships are made and faces become more familiar you will feel more at ease talking to one or some of the parents about it all. Perhaps in the future if you do any more fundraising in memory of Tilda you may advertise at school in some way which might help people understand, I am sure they do not think you are being rude xx
A very moving post Jennie. I’m struggling a bit with 3 at the minute and you’ve reminded me to be grateful and gracious. I’ve not been a good Mummy this weekend. The playground is a strange environment and I found it very overwhelming when Beaver started last year. Everyone is feeling awkward. In time you will make those friendships and feel able to talk about Matilda Mae and perhaps that inclusion will alleviate the pain. Just a little bit. Sending you love x
I’m so happy that Esther and William are slotting into big school so well, a huge attribute to what you have done for them despite all that you’ve been through as a family.
Tbh, I’d probably be one of those making seemingly innocent remarks. That’s how I cope when being thrown in among lots of unknown people, trying to lighten the mood. Most people also don’t know how to react to the loss of a baby or a child. I sure wouldn’t, had I not been following your journey through your words.
Pluck up the courage and make light conversation. You can do it! You’ve done far more courageous things, so don’t let the school playground intimidate you. …do it on a day you do have Bea with you. It will make it just that little bit easier to have her close by & you can always use her as an excuse if you suddenly need to stop there and then and bolt it. (That’s what I have done in the past.)
Oh Hun, It is such a huge hurt to have with you. I pray that during these lonely moments you find comfort in the belief that tilda never truly leaves you, that her sweet spirit shines through all of you.that her angel wings are wrapped around you all day and night and she embraces you family with the warmth of her loveliness. X
Oh Jennie, through your words we can look into your soul and feel the pain, if only we could lift your pain as well. Even though the mums at the school run don’t think or know of Tilda I am sure that there are people all over the world (like me) who think of you and Tilda daily.
I am so sorry for the unintentional jokes the others make. And I think Monika’s advise above is golden. Baby talk should be the most easy to connect with the other mums, or approaching them with “are you mum of x? William mentioned they played together yesterday” that’s what I do and school run also terrifies me!
Big hugs,
xxx