Today Bea is 6 weeks old
She is doing really well
Feeding well
Growing well
Alert, smiling, sociable
I on the other hand
Have an appalling diet
Which involves eating an entire box of flapjacks each day
Only ever having the use of one arm
As Bea is always asleep on the other
I am feeling quite lost and lonely
With Esther and William starting school
I am finding things really hard
And because of that I am feeling enormously guilty
Because of Tilda
I should be so thankful for our Rainbow
And I am
But that does not stop it being hard
Today I am feeling very tearful and low
Esther and William were exhausted after school yesterday
The evening ended with David and I having to get very cross
When two overtired children just could not shut down and go to sleep
David is fed up of not being able to work in peace
He is annoyed that he is not able to do exercise in the evenings
And that just adds to my guilt even more
I am struggling to get anything done
Because Bea feeds well she is always on me
She sleeps well but only on me or another person
It makes doing much beyond those two things
Something of a challenge for me
Today I am very tired
I am really worried about Esther and William and school
I am frustrated that I am feeling so low
I hate not having anywhere in the house to be
And most of all I hate not knowing how to make any of it better
I know it is just a phase
That this too will pass
That the problems are not as big as they seem in my head
But right now
I just wish someone would cuddle me
Tell me it is possible to love Bea while my heart is breaking for Tilda
Tell me that Esther and William are going to be okay
And that one day soon i will find my feet again
And there will no long term damage done
I just want someone to cuddle me
And tell me it will be all right
A huge great cuddle coming your way tomorrow. x
It is already alright. You are doing fantastic & the Allowing yourself to indeed feel Low is Part of how well you are Handling all your Feelings.
Sending you a Huge cuddle-thought from Austria,
Katharina!!
I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so low. I cannot imagine most of the feelings you have to cope with so all I can offer is my sympathy and virtual hugs!
I do remember what it was like to have a newborn and feeling like all you can do is look after the baby, while everything else is either forgotten or ticks by without you. As you say, we know this passes, but I know that it doesn’t make it much easier while you’re in the middle of it.
My daughter has just started school too and I’m in a constant state of worry about her as well! It’s a hard time and I’m only dealing with that, without everything else on your mind.
I’m sorry I can’t say anything more helpful but I hope things get better for you soon xxx
Jennie,
You are a wonderful mother and I promise that what is happening is completely normal and it would be completely normal under any circumstances. Newborn babies are hard work, my little one was exactly the same as Bea, I was confined to the sofa for much of those early days whether it was feeding or being slept on. Sometimes my other half would come home and I’d still be in my pj’s, having failed to put Zach down for longer than 60 seconds. I know it doesn’t help that you have so much other stuff going on but you do love Bea, like you love William, Esther and Tilda. You are a wonderful mother, William and Esther will be absolutely fine at school and you will get through this, look back and think, oh that wasn’t as bad as it seemed at the time.
Sending you lots of love and a big fat squeeze – it’ll be alright 🙂 xxx
You are doing so well. Don’t feel guilty for your hubby not being able to exercise… After all when are you able to pee in peace?! Things will start to fall into place soon.
Oh I just want to give you a big hug – it will all fall into place and you’ll find your way but that doesn’t make the learning curve any less steep while you’re climbing it.
Esther and William will definitely be ok. My boy/girl twins have just started school and are super exhausted too. One day they were happy all day at school and started crying as soon as they saw me (I think because they were just so tired).
Hugs x
Of course it will all be fine !
Having a newborn is always hard work, everyone feels tired, exhausted and low some days. Once the initial excitement passes the long daily grind seems to creep in along with exhaustion. School is exhausting for children and they need to adapt to their new routine as well .
Everything doesn’t have to be perfect, ,just take it easy, be gentle with each other and lots of hugs for everyone.
Bless you those first few months are tough going, but you are doing it all fine, it will pass. I think I basically survived on birthday and Christmas chocolate and biscuits with both of my boys (handy them both being born in nov and dec I guess) as making a sandwich is just too difficult one handed!!
Both our boys loved sleeping on someone, which does make things very hard as you just feel you a routed to the sofa all day and can either see the mess building up or everyone else having fun!
Hope you feel happier tomorrow 🙂 xx
I think the fourth trimester is harder than the first three. I can’t imagine what it’s like with a piece of your heart missing physically. Not having been through what you have, i can’t tell you it’ll get easier. But i can tell you that when I’m feeling overwhelmed at the end of the night sometimes i read your blog and it leaves me feeling inspired! You are a great example of how love conquers all! Breastfeeding is exhausting, but that alone is an accomplishment for each and every day. Keep up the good work and remember you are amazing!
Hello, I wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for the ‘One Lovely Blog’ award. Your blog is brilliant. You don’t need to do the entry if you do not want to, but I wanted to nominate you all the same.
Sending love jenny! Lay off the flap jack woman! Eat cheese and crackers instead. ritz are pretty naughty and morish, so tick at least two boxes!
Hello Jennie
I’ve been reading your blog posts with interest as I am in a similar situation to you, though a bit ‘behind’ you. My second son died unexpectedly last November just before he turned 1. I had read your blog before then and was familiar with Matilda Mae’s story and felt so sad for you all. I became pregnant soon after his death and am now 38 weeks pregnant. I can’t imagine how I will feel when the baby is here. My older son has also just started school (he is 4) and he is really enjoying it so I hope your twins are the same. You have so much going on emotionally and physically (parenting a newborn is so intense anyway) that I can understand feeling low. From my perspective you seem to be doing great – I am worried I am going to be a wreck.
Anyway, I just wanted to make contact and let you know that your blog posts are very welcome – I admire your ability to share your feelings, it is helpful for those of us behind you on this awful path of grief.
Claire
Sending a gigantic hug your way. I cannot possibly imagine how you’re feeling. lots of love. x x x