35 weeks gone
5 weeks to go
I am exhausted
Emotional
and envious
I envy all the people I see
Spending lazy afternoons reading books
Watching Netflix
While I chase round after
Nearly four year old twins
I hate myself
For being so tired and so emotional
And having to get so cross with Esther and William
Trying to make them understand
I need to rest
I cannot lift them in and out of swings all day
I cannot carry them up and down the stairs
I cannot push them both round the garden on their trikes
How do other people manage?
My children do not watch TV
The will sit through snippets
But rarely a whole program
And never a feature length film
If we do try to sit together
To watch or read
I end up, up and down so many times
Fetching drinks
Fetching snacks
Wiping one bottom
Then another
Then the other one again
My children do not understand being still
They do not get the need for rest
Of course they don’t
They are three
So I try to escape
Grab five minutes perched on the stairs
In this tiny space of time
A fight can break out
A room be over turned
Daddy’s business call disturbed
They are not bad children
I have no reason to complain at all
They are children
Young children
They are bundles of energy
Who love interaction
Who do not understand
That growing a baby
A Rainbow Baby at that
Is really hard work
Physically demanding
Emotionally draining
How can they possibly know?
So, what should I do?
Ask for help?
From David?
Who already does too much
He does more than me round the house
Runs his business and is basically rebuilding our bedroom
I don’t know what to do
I don’t want to push Esther and William away
I don’t want to be without them
I just wish we could slow the pace down just a little
I don’t want to push them away
I feel like that is all I have ever done
When they were 18 months old
I was heavily pregnant with Tilda
Then Tilda was born
And was so dependent on me
Then Tilda died
And I needed space to grieve
Now I am heavily pregnant again
Needing to rest
Before our Rainbow Baby
I am not feeling like I have been a very good Mummy to them
And I love them so so much
Even though they can be so very demanding
Of course they can
They are three
I know the problem is not with them
I know that they problem is me
And I know there are things I could do
To make our daily lives a bit better
But all of these take time
And time is something that already there is never enough of
But if I could have the time I crave
And some energy!!
What would I do?
I would deep clean the kitchen and utility room
I would tidy and deep clean the lounge and steam clean the carpets
I would tidy and deep clean the playroom, this is a mammoth job and would include getting more wall shelves up, another bookcase, organising the toys and books and steam cleaning the carpets
I would get the baby’s bedroom finished and find some storage for her so that I can begin to organise her things
I would buy an Angel Care Monitor so it is here ready for when Rainbow arrives
I would find some time for myself each day to do all the things I never seem to manage to do, have a shower, massage bump, do some perineal massage and feel physically better about myself than I currently do
I would find some time for writing because this helps, writing a post like this really helps. Scribbling my thoughts into a notebook helps me to clear my head, stop my tears and lifts my heart just a little
35 weeks pregnant
I am craving time
Lots of hugs. It’s so hard even on normal non pregnant days. I fully remember sleeping a lot around this time in my pregnancy with z and I didn’t have any other kids to look after. It’s completely exhausting and the need to sleep is all emcompassing. Hope you find a good sleepy break somewhere. Xx
I can definitely sympathise. I’m only 17 weeks but feeling very heavy and lethargic. I have two toddlers – a just turned three month old and a 21 month old who need so much attention, especially as we are potty training the eldest. I’ve set up lots of quiet activities – books, play dough, train set, stickers…and just watching and talking to them. Bug hugs, and don’t feel guilty – growing a baby is hard work!
Wish I lived near to you Jennie and I would come around and tidy you house, entertain the twins and make you a lovely healthy meal. Being a mummy is hard work without being pregnant aswell. Be gentle on yourself – you are amazing! Xxxx
Bless you Jennie, pregnancy is so much harder when you already have children (and you have two the same age too) I know I felt like an awful Mum when pregnant with Sam, I was so ill in the early days we were practically house bound, I was drowsy on the sofa, and generally had no energy-it’s hard work making a baby isn’t it. Really feel for you, I am finding Alex (who is 4 1/2) very challenging at the moment, it seems to be an age where they really want constant attention! Do you have any friends or family close by that can help out a little, even if just for half an hour for you to have a little break? Don’t be too down on yourself-you do so much more with your children than many do! xxx
What you are feeling is absolutely normal, you are heavily pregnant, you have three year old twins to look after, no-one would ever say it was easy. You are only being so hard on yourself because you are a really good mother. I have a three year old so I know how difficult they can be, I also had a three year old and a five year old last time I was pregnant (at the grand old age of 44, which didn’t help either) it’s bloomin’ tough. So give yourself a break x
Oh my goodness I can’t begin to imagine. I find it hard enough chasing around after a 3yo and a 1yo and I am not heavily pregnant, not grieving. I find it hard enough keeping my house vaguely clean (as long as you don’t look behind or under things). And my kids love watching television. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing an AMAZING job. Just getting out of bed every morning is a massive achievement at 35 weeks with a rainbow baby. We are all cheering you on. xxxx
Ah Jennie I can SO relate to this post. I too am desperately craving time. When you have young children at home time just revolves around them – it’s the nature of it – and so everything that needs to get done ends up being put off until the evening or when they’re at pre-school, which is never long enough! I’m sure Esther and William will grow up remembering what a wonderful mum you are, so don’t be too hard on yourself on that account. And if it’s any consolation, I currently have 4 year old with a broken leg in cast and have been making her shuffle around lots on her bottom because I can’t physically carry her everywhere at the moment. I feel awful but I don’t have much choice after hurting my back lifting her and trying to avoid the bump! Thank you for linking up to the #BlogBumpClub again. I love the little community of pregnant bloggers we’ve got now. xxx
It’s all SO TRUE!
Your post made me think of one little thing I did with my little ones when I was pregnant with my third… We took out the face paints and they painted my tummy! I thought they’d be finished in 5 minutes – but hey, at least that would be me laying down for 5 minutes! But even Miss 2 1/2 was at it for nearly half and hour. They were so careful, so precise, so pleased with themselves. So excited about painting on me!
Worth a try? <3
Do not feel guilty, that is the last thing you need – be kind to yourself, having 1 toddler is hard work – many non-pregnant women with toddlers struggle let alone having two, being heavily pregnant and going through what have and still are having lost baby Tilda.
You have gone through so much in the last 4 years, more than the average Mum – often when times are like this you need to just get by in survival mode – if the toddlers are clean, warm, fed and loved then any entertainment is adequate, you don’t need to be giving them a bells and whistles fun schedule if you are so exhausted.
Ask and take help, take one day, one hour even at a time – don’t put extra stress and strain or emotional turmoil on yourself through guilt at this time.