Growing A Rainbow: 33 Weeks and Looking Forward

33 weeks has past so fast

7 more weeks to go

Then hopefully we will meet a beautiful healthy baby girl

Hopefully we will bring her home

Hopefully she will stay

The last two weeks have flown by

I think recovering from the emotional and physical effects

Of The Baby Tilda Barn Dance have taken this long

David and I have also been suffering from hayfever

I only get hayfever when I am pregnant

But when I do get it I find it really debilitating

On top of our feelings and poorliness

Esther and William are making the most of being three

Nearly four

And though lovely their behaviour can be very challenging

They do not really mean to be

But they are at an age for testing boundaries

And our patience

But amidst the manic madness of every day

There have been some magic moments too

I know that I am lucky to have them alive

Our tiny 27 weekers

How is it possible they are going to be four?

nearly four

This week I had a beautiful bump shoot with Marie Donn

The shoot was a lovely way to spend time with all our children

Esther and William had a wonderful time

We blew bubbles for Tilda and used flowers from her garden as props

And I spent some real time focusing on Rainbow Baby Bump

And what she may become

That soon she will be here

And be one of us

The emotion of the session really got to me and made me cry

I am growing a rainbow

There will soon be a baby in our home

A little sister

For the baby in our hearts

32 + 3 Bump

I say little

Actually Rainbow Baby is apparently quite big

On Monday I had my 32 week growth scan

Having been told by the midwife that my bump was too small

I was quite surprised to be told at the scan

That Baby is almost too big

She has an approximate weight of 5lb 5oz

5lb 5oz!!

At 32+5 weeks

That is heavier than Esther and William were

When we brought them home from SCBU at 35 weeks

9 weeks home

And so I have another growth scan

At 36 weeks

And if the velocity of growth has increased

Or stayed the same

Then they will talk to me about delivery options

If the predicted weight at term is over 10lbs

Then I will be offered a section

I think there is also a possibility of early induction

If Baby is looking too big

Neither option really sounds that appealing to me

But I will of course do what is best for our daughter

Our Rainbow Baby daughter

growing rainbow

This weekend is Brit Mums Live

I am really looking forward to some time away

I will miss David and Esther and William so much

But I will also enjoy the time to focus on Tilda and Rainbow

I am also planning to use the time to start looking forward

Planning how to find this new normal people speak of

I need to start living again

As hard as that may be

It was brought home to me this week

How much Esther and William need me

How much they need me to be happy with them

How much they need to see me smile

Hear me laugh

And know that I am okay

Also, David has been very low these last few weeks

Moaning and groaning, listless, lifeless

Sad

He is busy with business and working on the house

But it is more than that

And it has disturbed me seeing him so low

I find myself urging him to be happy

And I am sure that he must want the same for me

I realise just a little of how it must be for him

Seeing me so tearful and fragile all the time

Seeing me so depressed and down

And I know I am entitled

I know my baby died

And I cannot help how I feel

But I have people in my life who love me and need me

Who need me to be with them

Really with them

Not near them, next to them

But with them

I have been missing these past 16 months

And it is time to try and come back

Back to my family

Who I adore

Back to my friends

Who I often ignore

Back to my writing

Back to my blog

And making it the best it can be

Because it is the one thing I have that is mine

And I am proud of it

I want to do more with it

I want to make things up

To the people I have let down

And with every syllable I write

That suggests I might be ready to start looking forward

I feel a deep stab in my heart

A chubby finger on my arm

And a voice never heard

Saying, ‘What about me?’

don't forget about me

But there has to be a way to have it all

Have all I can of Baby Tilda

And still be the best mother, wife, friend, person I can be

To those who are here on earth?

There must be a way of looking forward

Without it hurting so much

Without it feeling like I am dishonouring Tilda

There has to be a way

There has to be a way

11 thoughts on “Growing A Rainbow: 33 Weeks and Looking Forward

  1. Dear Jennie, you are such an amazing mother. Please don’t feel guilty for trying to find a new “normal”. You have Tilda safely in your heart, your mind and your memories and she will be there forever. She would be so so happy to be a big sister and no doubt she wants you to be a happy mother who gives everything you can to Rainbow. Wishing you some peace these last few weeks before your beautiful new arrival xx

  2. Ah Jennie, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have lost a little one. I can’t bear to even try so I think you have to allow yourself time to grieve for her. But at the same time, you should try not to feel guilty for being happy or for enjoying your lovely family. Nothing, nothing, will diminish her memory or mean you love her any less. I hope you can find a way to move forward and enjoy this new addition, this blessing to your family. Best of luck and much love to you and your family xx #blogbumpclub

  3. This is a beautiful and very brave post special lady. Feel too emotional for words x
    Have a lovely time at brit mums xxxxxx

  4. If you’re not keen on induction/elective cs for a big baby, it may be worth knowing that the NICE guidelines discourage inductions based solely on this.
    Good luck!

  5. There is a way. you are already doing it. Like everything, maybe there is room for growth and learning and new things, new skills (and we all too easily see what we think we are not doing i guess). But you are already doing it. Somehow you have found a way, to survive, to breathe, to play, to live. to manage your heart which has a part in the clouds and a part on the earth. Please don’t give yourself a hard time. You have done something amazing. you have shown your beautiful children that love continues in its many forms – even after death. You have shown your children that you can be sadder than ever imagined and carry on. I hope they never experience sadness as an adult, but know if they do, that they will remember that as bad as any day gets, the sun comes up tomorrow and there is always a reason to smile again. You have shown them that. What a gift.

  6. Baby B was 9lb 10oz. I had a far easier labour with him than 5lb 13oz C. I think it helped that he wasn’t my first, that the labour was shorter and that I had gravity on my side. Either way, size isn’t everything. Don’t let them talk you into anything you go not feel happy with! xxx

  7. My first child was 10lb 4oz, and his labour and delivery was much easier than my second. However, you need to listen to your heart, your midwives, consultant.
    I want to write so much more, but feel it would not be appropriate here. Look after your family, love and nurture, and lots of hugs and if you think he needs it, try to get David to talk to someone. Good luck with the move back into the bedroom. Lots of hugs to all of you.

  8. Wow sounds like rainbow baby is growing well then-must be really odd comparing to the weight of the twins!

    Sorry to hear you’ve all been having a hard time with hayfever it’s horrid isn’t it! Hope David is better in himself now too, must be so hard finding the right balance of normal, and keeping Tilda close in everything you do. I love that photo of her, such a cheeky smile, I am sure she would want you all to find some normality again, it is clear that you all talk and think of her in everything you do.

    Have fun this weekend xx

  9. There WILL be a way Jennie. This post is such a positive, uplifting one and shows more than ever what an amazing mum you are to ALL your children. I’m glad the photo shoot was a success and you have been enjoying time with your lovely family. Life is hectic with tiny babies so make the most of the time with your gorgeous twins and enjoy this phase (as challenging as it can be – I know as Frog is EXACTLY the same at the moment!). Thank you so much for linking up to the #BlogBumpClub again. Your Rainbow Baby posts really are very special. xxx

  10. There is a way. I know there is. I don’t know how to find it, or what it is. But there is a way. And every time you hear that little voice asking ‘What about me?’ come to your blog and read all that you have done, and are doing. You are not dishonouring Matilda one little bit. You are building a wonderful legacy, of which Esther, William and Rainbow baby are part. I am sure that Matilda would agree with me.
    x x x x

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