33 weeks has past so fast
7 more weeks to go
Then hopefully we will meet a beautiful healthy baby girl
Hopefully we will bring her home
Hopefully she will stay
The last two weeks have flown by
I think recovering from the emotional and physical effects
Of The Baby Tilda Barn Dance have taken this long
David and I have also been suffering from hayfever
I only get hayfever when I am pregnant
But when I do get it I find it really debilitating
On top of our feelings and poorliness
Esther and William are making the most of being three
Nearly four
And though lovely their behaviour can be very challenging
They do not really mean to be
But they are at an age for testing boundaries
And our patience
But amidst the manic madness of every day
There have been some magic moments too
I know that I am lucky to have them alive
Our tiny 27 weekers
How is it possible they are going to be four?
This week I had a beautiful bump shoot with Marie Donn
The shoot was a lovely way to spend time with all our children
Esther and William had a wonderful time
We blew bubbles for Tilda and used flowers from her garden as props
And I spent some real time focusing on Rainbow Baby Bump
And what she may become
That soon she will be here
And be one of us
The emotion of the session really got to me and made me cry
I am growing a rainbow
There will soon be a baby in our home
A little sister
For the baby in our hearts
I say little
Actually Rainbow Baby is apparently quite big
On Monday I had my 32 week growth scan
Having been told by the midwife that my bump was too small
I was quite surprised to be told at the scan
That Baby is almost too big
She has an approximate weight of 5lb 5oz
5lb 5oz!!
At 32+5 weeks
That is heavier than Esther and William were
When we brought them home from SCBU at 35 weeks
And so I have another growth scan
At 36 weeks
And if the velocity of growth has increased
Or stayed the same
Then they will talk to me about delivery options
If the predicted weight at term is over 10lbs
Then I will be offered a section
I think there is also a possibility of early induction
If Baby is looking too big
Neither option really sounds that appealing to me
But I will of course do what is best for our daughter
Our Rainbow Baby daughter
This weekend is Brit Mums Live
I am really looking forward to some time away
I will miss David and Esther and William so much
But I will also enjoy the time to focus on Tilda and Rainbow
I am also planning to use the time to start looking forward
Planning how to find this new normal people speak of
I need to start living again
As hard as that may be
It was brought home to me this week
How much Esther and William need me
How much they need me to be happy with them
How much they need to see me smile
Hear me laugh
And know that I am okay
Also, David has been very low these last few weeks
Moaning and groaning, listless, lifeless
Sad
He is busy with business and working on the house
But it is more than that
And it has disturbed me seeing him so low
I find myself urging him to be happy
And I am sure that he must want the same for me
I realise just a little of how it must be for him
Seeing me so tearful and fragile all the time
Seeing me so depressed and down
And I know I am entitled
I know my baby died
And I cannot help how I feel
But I have people in my life who love me and need me
Who need me to be with them
Really with them
Not near them, next to them
But with them
I have been missing these past 16 months
And it is time to try and come back
Back to my family
Who I adore
Back to my friends
Who I often ignore
Back to my writing
Back to my blog
And making it the best it can be
Because it is the one thing I have that is mine
And I am proud of it
I want to do more with it
I want to make things up
To the people I have let down
And with every syllable I write
That suggests I might be ready to start looking forward
I feel a deep stab in my heart
A chubby finger on my arm
And a voice never heard
Saying, ‘What about me?’
But there has to be a way to have it all
Have all I can of Baby Tilda
And still be the best mother, wife, friend, person I can be
To those who are here on earth?
There must be a way of looking forward
Without it hurting so much
Without it feeling like I am dishonouring Tilda
There has to be a way
There has to be a way
Dear Jennie, you are such an amazing mother. Please don’t feel guilty for trying to find a new “normal”. You have Tilda safely in your heart, your mind and your memories and she will be there forever. She would be so so happy to be a big sister and no doubt she wants you to be a happy mother who gives everything you can to Rainbow. Wishing you some peace these last few weeks before your beautiful new arrival xx
Ah Jennie, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have lost a little one. I can’t bear to even try so I think you have to allow yourself time to grieve for her. But at the same time, you should try not to feel guilty for being happy or for enjoying your lovely family. Nothing, nothing, will diminish her memory or mean you love her any less. I hope you can find a way to move forward and enjoy this new addition, this blessing to your family. Best of luck and much love to you and your family xx #blogbumpclub
This is a beautiful and very brave post special lady. Feel too emotional for words x
Have a lovely time at brit mums xxxxxx
If you’re not keen on induction/elective cs for a big baby, it may be worth knowing that the NICE guidelines discourage inductions based solely on this.
Good luck!
There is a way. you are already doing it. Like everything, maybe there is room for growth and learning and new things, new skills (and we all too easily see what we think we are not doing i guess). But you are already doing it. Somehow you have found a way, to survive, to breathe, to play, to live. to manage your heart which has a part in the clouds and a part on the earth. Please don’t give yourself a hard time. You have done something amazing. you have shown your beautiful children that love continues in its many forms – even after death. You have shown your children that you can be sadder than ever imagined and carry on. I hope they never experience sadness as an adult, but know if they do, that they will remember that as bad as any day gets, the sun comes up tomorrow and there is always a reason to smile again. You have shown them that. What a gift.
Baby B was 9lb 10oz. I had a far easier labour with him than 5lb 13oz C. I think it helped that he wasn’t my first, that the labour was shorter and that I had gravity on my side. Either way, size isn’t everything. Don’t let them talk you into anything you go not feel happy with! xxx
My first child was 10lb 4oz, and his labour and delivery was much easier than my second. However, you need to listen to your heart, your midwives, consultant.
I want to write so much more, but feel it would not be appropriate here. Look after your family, love and nurture, and lots of hugs and if you think he needs it, try to get David to talk to someone. Good luck with the move back into the bedroom. Lots of hugs to all of you.
Wow sounds like rainbow baby is growing well then-must be really odd comparing to the weight of the twins!
Sorry to hear you’ve all been having a hard time with hayfever it’s horrid isn’t it! Hope David is better in himself now too, must be so hard finding the right balance of normal, and keeping Tilda close in everything you do. I love that photo of her, such a cheeky smile, I am sure she would want you all to find some normality again, it is clear that you all talk and think of her in everything you do.
Have fun this weekend xx
Such an honest thoughtful post, though I just cannot imagine how you are feeling. Huge hugs and love x
There WILL be a way Jennie. This post is such a positive, uplifting one and shows more than ever what an amazing mum you are to ALL your children. I’m glad the photo shoot was a success and you have been enjoying time with your lovely family. Life is hectic with tiny babies so make the most of the time with your gorgeous twins and enjoy this phase (as challenging as it can be – I know as Frog is EXACTLY the same at the moment!). Thank you so much for linking up to the #BlogBumpClub again. Your Rainbow Baby posts really are very special. xxx
There is a way. I know there is. I don’t know how to find it, or what it is. But there is a way. And every time you hear that little voice asking ‘What about me?’ come to your blog and read all that you have done, and are doing. You are not dishonouring Matilda one little bit. You are building a wonderful legacy, of which Esther, William and Rainbow baby are part. I am sure that Matilda would agree with me.
x x x x