The Seven Year Risk

It was a risk coming back here

Coming at all

Coming to the place where it all began

Seven years ago we came

My first family holiday

With my family to be

David and I had known each other

Only weeks

When we came here before

We knew with certainty we would be together forever

We knew we wanted a family of our own

We knew we wanted to follow in the footsteps

Of his Mum and Dad

We knew what we wanted

We knew where we were going

As far as our relationship was concerned

Even then

Back then

After only weeks

It was a risk to come back here

Seven years on

At a time when we are wondering if anything will ever feel good again

Ever be good again

After all that has happened in the last seven years

Even before Matilda Mae

Infertility

Fertility tests and investigations

Four failed cycles of IVF (ICSI)

One successful cycle

High risk twin pregnancy

Emergency bowel surgery while pregnant with the twins

Preterm labour

Premature twins

59 days in NICU and SCBU

An intense first year raising tiny twins

Surprise natural pregnancy

The birth of Matilda Mae

Raising three children under two

Suspected PND

And then the worst

Losing Baby Tilda

SIDS

Surviving our baby daughter

Living and breathing after loss

A horribly mismanaged miscarriage

A diagnosis of PTSD

Still living and breathing without our baby girl

A wonderful much longed for Rainbow Pregnancy

The emotional wrestles that pregnancy after loss brings

And hope

Such hope of finding a future to fit us all in

So much has happened to us in the seven years

Since we were here before

And among the horror and the terror

There has been such beauty

Such love

And that is what coming back here

Has reminded me of

Love

How much I love my family

How much I adore my husband

What an amazing person he is

How lucky I am to be part of this family

How much I love my children

In the sky and on the earth

And children yet to be

It was a risk coming back here

But I am so glad that we did

Because what we have found here

Is peace

And hope

And faith

That our new normal will be found

And that it will be okay

We will be okay

And things might be good again

Even though saying the words out loud

Makes my eyes water

And my heart pound

For the little girl who should be here

Perhaps taller now than her sibling twins

We have come so far in seven years

Through more than many people go through in a life time

And we are still here

Going on

Going strong

In love

For love

With love

I am so thankful that we took the risk

It feels just right to be back

12 thoughts on “The Seven Year Risk”

Reading this post, tears are once again filling my eyes. You have been through so much as a couple, as a family. While so many others would have fallen apart, you have stood and battled together through the most excruciating pain imaginable.
I am so glad you have gone back, that you took that risk, for you are loved, you are strong, you are together. Every single one of you even if not in the way anyone ever imagined and even though I wish you were.
Just look what love has done x x x x

This post fills me with such emotion, both sadness and happiness. I’m so glad you took the risk too. You are the most amazing family I’ve ever met. You have encountered so many obstacles, faced so much pain and when you look at all you’ve been through in these 7 short years, it leaves you breathless. But you have done it together, with love, and stayed strong – I know you may not believe you have always been strong, but you really have. I don’t think there are many other families who could have done that and even be thinking about coming out of the other side together. That you are able to think that maybe, one day, you’ll be able to find a new normal, where things might be good for you again, is beautiful. I really hope it is true. You deserve to be happy xxxxxx

Beautiful, your words are so powerful. Sending you lots of love x

Simply beautiful… So much love to your wonderful family xxx

Ah the beautiful lakes…nothing quite like them. We have visited so many times and so love it. Such gorgeous weather you have had too x

This is such a beautiful post about love, loss, passion, strength, determination to keep your heads above water… You make an amazing family and those shots are stunning. Mel

This is such a lovely post. I just love the picture of you with the sun on your face. My dad lived in Switzerland whilst I was a teenager and I visited when I had a particularly awful break up. I used to go down to the lake each day and listen to it gently lapping the shore. It was so peaceful and really helped me to soul search. I am so glad this holiday has allowed you some peace. It is no where near the end of this journey but how lovely you can have a little break and relax. Loads of love xxx

Gorgeous Jennie. There can be such comfort and healing in special places. This is obviously such a place for you. And I believe when you feel a little at peace you can take that as a sign that tilda is closer than ever xx