Today I am 28 weeks pregnant

I should be elated

But I am not

I should be proud of getting to the third trimester

But I am not

Instead I am feeling sad

None of my pregnancies have allowed me elation and excitement

After five rounds of IVF

We were just so grateful to fall pregnant with Esther and William

And then terrified at the prospect of twins

We were monitored very closely

Because of the IVF and the fact I was carrying more than one

We were considered high risk from the start

We were told at 4 weeks

Don’t tell anyone yet that it is twins

Chances are at 12 weeks there will only be one baby there

I was on steroids to support the pregnancy

The drugs suppressed the feelings most expectant mums get

It was never a normal pregnancy that could be enjoyed

Then at 25 weeks I almost died

The twins almost died

And then were born at just 27

It was not a pregnancy from story books or even text books

I never had the innocent excitement I see in so many other mothers

I envy in so many other mothers

Even with Tilda

Though I enjoyed her pregnancy much more

There was always the worry that she would be premature

And Esther and William were only a year old when I found out I was expecting again

I had no time to do the things that other mummies to be do

I didn’t seem to fit any category of mummy

And often felt isolated and alone

That is even more the case now

When we fell pregnant after Tilda

The guilt was so strong

That I did not tell anyone I was pregnant

I did not want people to know

I think perhaps I knew in me heart and my head

That the time was just not right

Though I was desperate for another baby

Not enough time had passed for Baby Tilda

When I miscarried it broke my heart all over again

And it was a complicated miscarriage

That did nothing for my mental health or self esteem

Losing two babies within a year

I was sitting on the rocks at the bottom

Even with this pregnancy

I am most of the time in denial that a baby is on the way

Our baby is on her way

When at 15 weeks we finally started to tell the world

That Esther, William and Matilda were to have a sibling

I was terrified of how people would react

I did not, still do not, want this baby to mean that people start to forget about Tilda

Stop remembering Matilda Mae

This baby will be a wonderful addition to our family

She will not replace our baby in the sky

She will be a distraction from the heartache and pain

She will not take it away

I am trying to work out

What this baby is going to be

And how I am going to love her

I love her already

I know that I do

And I will cherish her

As I do all my children

But I am also anxious

Scared

That I am not going to get this right

When we started to tell the world about this baby

When I announced it on this blog

I thought that I would write a regular bump diary

As I did for Matilda Mae, Matilda bump

But I haven’t

I couldn’t

Every bump shot feels like a betrayal

Every word a stab in a baby back

Every time I mention a smile or a tingle of excitement

It is followed by a crushing wave of guilt

I am battling and losing

I cannot find a path to follow

I need to find the balance

Loving all my children equally

And it being okay for this little one

To take her rightful place as our fourth baby

But I am not sure yet that I know how

And I worry that I am running out of time before I meet her

Before she is going to need me

All of me

Every part of me

I wish there was a manual

Someone or something telling me what to do

What is okay and is not okay to feel

There is no map

No navigation

I just have to trust my heart will find a way

And already 28 weeks into this pregnancy

I hope that one day I will be pregnant again

And be able to do all the things that I see other mothers do

I am hoping and praying that this time

For the first time

Everything might just be okay

So that next time

I can feel the excitement and elation that I crave

I can only dream what it feels like to be normal

For things to be straightforward

Uncomplicated

Innocent

I just want everything to be okay