I have been very careful about talking to the press
Since Matilda Mae died
There has been a lot of interest in our story
And I have turned many offers down
I did not want the story to get twisted or diluted
I do not know any journalists
So did not have anyone that I trusted to get it right
When I spoke to the lady who wrote the article for Mother and Baby
We spoke for a long time
She was lovely and sensitive
I know that she wanted to get the story right
Not just the facts but the tone and feel of the piece
It is not easy to write about the death of a child
The loss of a baby
When the lady had written the piece she had to send it to the editors
We then had a read back over the telephone and a few key facts were changed
Today I have seen the article in the magazine
I am not sure how I expected to feel when I read it
I realise I am too close to the story to have an objective view
But it did not feel like I was reading about me
And there are a few things about the edited piece that I would like to say
Things that I would like to clarify
The article was written because last year I was nominated for Britain’s Bravest Mum
I wrote about it here
In two pages it gives an overview of our story
From battling infertility to premature birth
Raising premature twins
Having three children under the age of two
Losing one of them suddenly and unexpectedly to SIDS
Living after loss
I realise that ours is not the easiest story to tell
With a limited word count
But I wish there was more of me in the piece
More of how proud I am of all my children
More of our journey through NICU and SCBU
More of how special Baby Tilda was to us
And now is to hundreds perhaps thousands of others
But the main points I want to clarify are these
1: Esther and William are now nearly four years old not two. I adore them and know I am lucky to have them alive. It is not luck that they are as healthy as they are, it is the dedicated work of the doctors and nurses on SCBU but it is also the choices that David and I made about how we would care for them once they came out of hospital. The magazine article seems to imply that I carried on working after Esther and William were born and I did not.
I gave up teaching full time long before they were born, long before they were conceived. Our IVF/ICSI journey was not an easy one and I could not dedicate the time and energy my pupils deserved and so I gave up teaching my class, I have up my management positions and I moved to our village school to give one to one tuition to pupils in need. I worked a few hours a week throughout my pregnancy with Esther and William, and I did not return to work after the emergency surgery I had during my pregnancy with them.
David and I spent every single day of Esther and William’s hospital stay with them. I sat by the side of their incubators and cots, singing, reading and talking to them each day. David spent his time preparing our home and working every hour he could so that when the babies did come home he could be there for them full time.
When Esther and William came out of hospital we basically quarantined them through the autumn and winter, through the RSV season, until they were big enough and strong enough to face the world.
This was our decision and it meant that though we did not see many people our children have never been readmitted to hospital. Esther and William even now very rarely get sick. That is something I am fiercely proud of as it is not the case for all 27 weekers at all.
2: Tilda only crawled once. It was on the day that she died.
3: The night Tilda died my Mum was with us and David’s parents both rushed to us the minute we called.
4: When we said goodbye at the hospital, when we had that precious time with Tilda before we had to leave her forever. I cried so much. I could not think straight, could not hold her or do the things I know other mothers do. She was gone from her body, even then. All I wanted at that moment was my baby back. I begged her, pleaded with her, please please Baby Tilda wake up. I was not yelling at her, I was not angry with her, I was just utterly broken and I wanted my daughter back.
5: Esther and William did not race down for breakfast. They were only two and a half and still sleeping in cots themselves. When we heard them wake we went upstairs to get them and carried them down. Even now Esther and William are not able to race down stairs.
6: Esther and William even now have questions about Tilda and death and why babies die. Even now they sometimes mix up Tilda and the new baby growing inside me. Of course they do. The are toddlers. They were only babies themselves when she died. It was just a week or so after she died that we all got in the car to go to Granny’s, we had taken Tilda’s seat out of the car and Esther and William got upset as we loaded the car, worried that we were leaving ‘Baby Tiger’ behind. It was then for the first time that they repeated back to us, Baby Tilda died, Baby Tilda is up in the sky, We will not see her anymore. This still breaks my heart today.
Our whole sorry story just tears at my heart.
It is all still so raw and so painful and hard to believe that any of it is true.
7: I do not check on Esther and William when they are sleeping, not unless David is out. It is their brave brave Daddy that checks them each night. I have a panic attack if it has to be me. Every time I check, even now, I assume they are dead until I hear them and see them alive. In the morning, if one wakes before the other, I cannot breathe until I know that the other has made it through the night too. I am not sure that feeling ever will go.
8: “Over time, the rawness of my grief has slowly eased” I think anyone who knows me or reads my blog will know that these words are not mine. I do not feel that anything is any easier at all. It still hurts as much today as it did the night she died. My baby was stolen for me and I cannot ever get her back. 15 months on and I am still not sure I believe that to be true, I am certainly not finding it easier to comprehend or live with. It hurts like hell every single day. Every single day.
9: I am actually not inspirational at all. I am a very selfish mummy who wants her baby to be remembered and wants an answer to the question. Why my baby? Why our daughter? Why did Matilda Mae die? The people that might one day be able to answer that question for us are The Lullaby Trust and that is why I do what I do. Because one day, somoene might tell me, this is why she died and maybe, just maybe, in doing that, we will save some other little lives along the way.
10: I am just a mummy whose baby died who still has a chink of hope that one day, if I do things right, I might see my daughter again.
You have done so much for all of your children and I admire the strength with which you have made your choices. I am inspired by your conviction and the passion with which you parent. Your words are perfect and tell your story better than anyone’s. X
Gosh Jenny, I am so sorry that they didn’t tell your true story. It’s awful that this has happened, I hope they will print a follow up xx
I think the facts are mostly right but I just felt that I had to be truthful about how much it still hurts and how much we changed to protect Esther and William. I know it is hard to do when they have so few words to use x And I am still very sensitive about it all x Thank you x x x x
I don’t know what to say, other than I hope that the vast majority of people who read magazines realise that the stories have to be manipulated in some way. That they very rarely tell the story as it was told to them. That their interpretation is never the same as that of the person to whom the ‘story’ happened.
Those who are led to your blog from this article will quickly realize that the story they have read is very different to the story you write.
I too hope that the magazine will print your corrections, however, I doubt it. All you can do is stick to your resolve not to go to the press again. Perhaps some of your followers will read this post and will write to the magazine and point them in the direction of this post.
Jennie you are an inspiration. You inspire lots of parents to be better parents through sharing your story whilst grieving for your baby daughter.
I’m sorry that parts were not conveyed correctly x
I think you’re right to be sensitive. Its hard to read your story written by others when it is not told in your voice. I’m so sorry there were inaccuracies.
x x x
I haven’t read the article but it must be so upsetting they got so much wrong – particularly putting words into your mouth about the grief easing 🙁 They would have been better asking you to write the article yourself – you write with such clarity and honesty. And you most definitely ARE inspiring – in so many ways. xx
It’s such a shame when papers can’t get all the facts correct. I can remember reading our local paper after my best friend was killed in a bike accident (very different I know) but we were all so distressed with the inaccuracies even though they had spoken to family and friends.
Jennie, you may not think you are inspirational, but I’m sure there are lots of families out there who have been helped by the awareness you are raising for SIDS. Matilda Mae and her story will live on, long after we are all stars ourselves.
I don’t need to read their story as I have read yours. I am so sorry it wasn’t written as it should be. I still think of you and Matilda every day x
I’m so sorry that it wasn’t written as it should have been, but anyone who reads your blog as a result will come to know the real story, as we all have. You are inspiring Jennie; so many of us have changed, done things differently, viewed our lives differently, through knowing you. Thinking of you and Matilda Mae, as always xx
I don’t think anyone can comprehend your story properly or write about it properly because it is so incredibly hard to understand how such a cruel and tragic thing can happen, and no one can put them selves in your shoes at all. We read these snippets through your beautiful, heart wrenching and exceptionally well written blog, but they are just paragraphs and no one can really understand what it is like to be your family. Your words here made me tear up, because you have yet again given a small insight into what it must be like to live your grief each day. But the one thing you are Jennie, is incredibly inspiring. Yes you want Tilda remembered and you know that she will be forever, you have made sure of that through this blog and all you do but you also inspire people every single day. To campaign, to raise money, to learn more about SIDS, to do messy play, to hug their children tighter, to be a better parent, to be a better friend, to write, to take photos… I could go on. I still think of you and Matilda every single day. xx PS I am so sorry for the ridiculously long comment. xx
One of the ladies who commented above said that the magazine would have been better to let you write the article yourself. I was just thinking the exact same thing. You write so clearly, honestly and assertively about your loss and all that your family have been through. No-one who reads your blog could be in any doubt about just how much you still miss Matilda Mae and the gaping hole she has left in all your lives xxx
God’s sake Jennie. I feel embarrassed and sickened reading this.
I am a journalist. And I write these real life stories.
I have even written for Mother & baby magazine.
As a freelance.
However, the last piece I did for them, they changed so much to make it more ‘sensational’ that I have not put another forward to that publishing house since.
As an author, when you tell and share someone else’s story, you have such a responsibility to them to get it right. And not to make stuff up.
I hurt for you.
Well done for writing this post, I am only too sorry that you had to do so.
xxx
I am certain that the lovely lady who wrote the piece will have done it right x We talked so so long on the phone before she wrote the piece and afterwards x She was so caring and sensitive. I also respect the magazine x So I am hoping it is just some miscommunication, a lack of space to tell the full story and me being sensitive, which I know that I am x I just wanted people to know the bits that I fell have not been told right x
Jennie, I recently did an interview for cosmopolitan magazine regarding Dave becoming a SAHD, and I was mis-quoted. It upset me massively. I cannot begin to imagine how this has made you feel.
We all know all this truth, and I am sorry this has happened to you.
Sending huge hugs xxx
Ps can’t wait to see you at the barn dance
Every time I read your posts about Matilda Mae I am in tears.
Because of your story but also because of the beautiful way you write.
I don’t think anyone will ever be able to tell your story as well as you do.
xxx
Dear Jennie, you are right that there would have been elements of your story lost through word count restriction, but it sounds to me that they have both toned down and disrespected some very important emotions and events. I feel unwell reading how the magazine said your toddlers rushed down the stairs. This is sensationalism. If there is one story that doesn’t need to be embellished, over-stated or understated it is yours. Thinking of you x clare
Like everyone I am so sorry there were all these inaccuracies and that you were hurt by them. No one reading your blog would ever believe your grief for Matilda has lessened one bit. You have a lot of strength and you are doing amazing work in her name. Your own writing about Matilda and your precious twins is so beautiful and you and your family shine through it all. I don’t thing anyone else could tell it any better. Sending you lots of love, I think of you daily too. Xxx
Hi Jennie, so sorry to hear it’s not all accurate. I can’t even imagine what you go through each day, I think about you and your beautiful family everyday xx
Sorry it wasn’t all accurate, at least you have this space to write the facts/opinions that weren’t put across correctly. xx
Oh Jennie. I know it is a very hard decision to have your story told by someone else, and nationally. I am sure that your story, every aspect of your story will help more than one person who reads it. I understand so much of your pain in your words. I appreciate your honesty. I can’t decide if I it hurts less, or if I am just used to it more now. Its been 5 years and I know that if I poke around, if I sit with someone who will properly listen, if I come across something new, or write something differently, oh it hurts. I have done my best to understand why Finley couldnt stay, or at least to create a reason and a meaning in it, but at night on my own I still wonder why it was him, why it was us.
Oh, and inspiration, like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. People will be inspired by you, as I am. Simply the fact that you are still standing is an inspiration.
I am so dreadfully sorry there were inaccuracies in the article, I can’t even begin to fathom how hard it must have been to not only let someone try and tell your story but to read it like that, too. I don’t usually comment as I feel I don’t have a lot that is worthy enough to say but I just wanted to say thank you for writing the clarifications for us to read… and for writing this whole blog.
Just last week we were in our local paper about our visit to the museum. I was misquoted throughout the short piece. I cringed as I read it. And this was something that is inconsequential really.
I can imagine how sad, frustrated and let down you must be feeling for your story to be filled with inaccuracies and embellished. How is it that an editor does not think to give you the brief directly? Surely they can see how you write and how you capture people with your honesty in your writing.
Sorry you’ve gone through this Jennie!
Shut the doors again. If someone wants to read your story they can from your own beautifully crafted words here, or do it live in person.