Dear Matilda Mae
We woke up early on your birthday
Two little children ready to play
Racing down the stairs of our home away from home
I could not get out of bed
Heart too heavy
Legs of stone
I just wanted to lie there forever
Two years ago
I was giving birth to you
I am still battling every day
With the injustice of it all
It is never going to be okay
That we celebrate your birthdays without you
That is never ever going to be okay
Before lights out the night before
We had decorated with balloons and bunting and stars
Esther and William were thrilled
And they knew exactly why things were different this day
Why this was a very special day
It made me so proud to hear them speak of you
With such understanding and love
Today is Baby Tilda’s birthday
She cannot have presents up in the sky
So we have them for her
To remember her
It is Baby Tilda’s second birthday
Baby Tilda would be two
Baby Tilda is a toddler
If only that could be true
Do toddlers die?
Out of the mouths of bereaved siblings!
After breakfast we headed to the beach
To Watergate Bay
To spend a morning on the sand
Mummy, Daddy, Esther, William
But no Matilda Mae
Granny and Granddad were with us too
And how wonderful that they were
Together we spent a quiet morning by the sea
Running on the sand
Making tracks
Leaving trails
Blowing bubble kisses to the sky
Writing your name in the sand
Over and over again
Did you see your name Baby Tilda?
Did you catch our rainbow kisses?
After our beach play
We went to The Beach Hut
For a lovely lunch
Overlooking the sea
And Extreme Hot Chocolate
I wish you had been with us Matilda Mae
So I could have given you my marshmallows
And chocolate coins as a special birthday treat
After lunch we headed back to the farm
And to your river
Last year your ashes set sail
This year Esther and William rode the bumpy waters
On a canoe
We told them why
They said that they might follow you
Might go to you
I was very quick and very firm in telling them they would not
I am sorry Baby Tilda
But they will not
They cannot follow you
But symbolically today
They did
They retraced the journey of your little wooden boat
The followed the path of your ashes
And they loved it
Messing about on the river
They also loved throwing flowers to you
Pink and purple flowers
Happy Birthday Baby Tilda
We shouted to the sky
With each stem that we sent to the sea
After the river came cake
Candles and singing
Through tears we sang
Happy Birthday to you
Before Granny cut your cake
We had such a wonderful day Baby Tilda
All together
But often lost in our own personal memories of you
We smiled and we laughed
We cried
We talked about you
Baby that you were
Toddler that you should be
I miss you Matilda Mae
I miss you every day
But on your days
Your special days
I miss you so much I can’t breathe
I can’t think
I love you so much
And the world does not feel right without you in it
At night
We went to your river
To the place your little boat set sail
We shared sparklers and bubbles
And silence
To remember our baby girl
To wish you a happy birthday in the sky
To wish with all we are
That you had been with us today
We love you and miss you Matilda Mae
On your birthday and all days
We love you and miss you so much
Forever our baby you’ll be x
My heart feels like a stone in my chest when I read your so touching, so honest and so beautifully described bittersweet, painful day. I’m so proud of you for living it so gracefully and honouring Tilda so beautifully. You are perfect. I know your family feels so imperfect to you now with this gaping hole with her missing and I understand… but in my eyes, and I believe in Tilda’s, looking down on how you are doing… you are perfect. Doing perfectly. She’d be so, so proud and feel so loved.
You write so beautifully – Tilda must be so proud of her clever mummy and lovely family who adore her so much. My thoughts are with you all xoxo
What a beautiful day you gave your Birthday girl, though she sadly isn’t with you, in spirit she always will be.
What a day of mixed emotions,
What a way to remember Matilda Mae.
A Birthday girl, a family sharing her day, with cake and all lovely things.
Sending Birthday floaty kisses up to your toddler Tilda in the sky.
xxx
Heartbreaking post Jennie. You write so honestly and with such feeling that I feel like I am right beside you listening to you and seeing your heartbroken eyes. Most people would have stayed in bed all day and tried to forget it was Matilda’s birthday and I would have understood. But not you and your wonderful family. You did what you would have done if Tilda was not in heaven. What a beautiful, special day for a angel in the sky. I can’t imagine how you feel every single day dear Jennie and I know there will be a piece of your heart missing until the day you take Tilda in your arms once more. You are a strong, inspirational, kind, caring mummy and I wish Tilda was still with you here on Earth to feel that instead of in heaven watching over you xxxx
She would have seen her bubble kisses and she would have seen you I’m sure of it. She watches you every day xx . you all did her proud x
Oh Jennie, Another heartbreaking day filled with beautifully thought out plans to make memories of Matilda for Esther & William. Many others, when they woke, WOULD have stayed in bed and hidden from the world that day in your position. Perhaps I would have? Instead, as you always have, you got up, fought on and marked her special day, filled it with love for her, for all of your children and I’ve no doubt she was watching over you. x x x
I am in tears just reading you words. You write beautifully. I was thinking of you on Matilda’s birthday, even though I don’t know you.
Take care xxx
You gave her a beautiful day.
She may not have spent the day in the way she should have; in her mummy and daddy’s arms, and playing with Esther and William. But I don’t doubt that she was there, smiling from above and catching her bubble kisses. Thinking of you all, everyday. x
A beautiful way to celebrate your daughter Matilda Mae. I can imagine her looking down with a big grin laughing with her siblings. I love that you returned to those precious places xx
She must be so proud of you all, wherever she is now. I’m glad you have this special place to return to through the years. It is just so heartbreaking that she is not with you and growing into the little girl she should be xx
I can’t help but cry reading this, she should be here with you all, it is just so unjust.
You all have such strength to make such a beautiful day to celebrate her little life, she must be watching over you all with such pride, I only wish she was there with you all too xxx
A perfect day to remember your baby girl xx
I could read your writing all day, it so often moves me to tears and I have only recently been ready to read Matilda Mae’s full story. My heart is sad when I read of your day and whilst I wish it was a day you didn’t have to go through I admire your strength to share it with us x
Happy Birthday Matilda Mae, you gave her a wonderful wonderful day. So hard to believe she’s no longer physically with you. X
From one mum of a two year old angel baby to another. You write so well and touch the hearts of so many. Our little girls will be watching over us. Always with us even tho we cannot see them. Sending you all lots of love x
What a beautiful yet incredibly sad day. You are all amazing, and I can’t ever get through your writing without a) crying b) thinking what a beautiful beautiful family you are. It is so terribly unfair. x
Beautiful…..so much love……… So beautiful. Sending birthday kisses for Matila Mae and lots of love to you all xxxx