Somehow we have got here

My Rainbow Baby and I

25 weeks tomorrow

We are over half way

We have reached viabilty

Whatever happens now

They have to try to save her

She is entitled to that

In 15 weeks our baby girl will be here

In the midst of the summer

Our rainbow will shine

And we will be so thankful

If she makes it here alive

But I know that as much as my heart swells with love and pride

It will also be breaking

Over and over

At the injustice

Unfairness

That our other baby

Our miracle baby

Had to die

I always wanted a fourth baby

But I wish with all my heart

She was not a rainbow baby

I wish that this baby

Was the one to make our family complete

That we had four children here with us on Earth

That we did not have Baby Tilda in the sky

I wish with all my heart she was here

To be part of this

Part of us as she should be

This pregnancy is going quite well so far

I feel like I am carrying her very low

But I think that is because I am quite unfit

And have no stomach muscles since having emergency bowel surgery

She is moving a lot now

And I treasure our time together

In the evenings

As she pops and squiggles and thuds

It is wonderful that Esther and William

Are so aware this time round

That there is a baby in mummy’s tummy

There excitement allows me moments of excitement too

Amid the fear, the guilt, the worry

As with Tilda I get lots of comments on my lovely bump

At 25 weeks it is a sizeable one

And I love it

I love looking pregnant

I am finding this pregnancy tough

Physically and emotionally

I am dealing with it differently than I have before

I am more aware of everything

More worried about everything

But also trying so hard

To make the most of everything

It really is not easy

With two preschoolers always on the go

Grieving for Tilda

So obviously missing from our family

Our life

There is very little time to just sit and be

To just sit and be Rainbow Baby and me

My sleep is very broken at the moment

I am still suffering with piles and constipation

Not a good combination

But I feel good

I have more energy at the moment

Than a few weeks ago

I keep comparing this pregnancy with my previous ones

At this stage I am always a little twitchy

At 25+3 with Esther and William

Everything started to go wrong

At this time with Tilda

I was hopeful

I was positive

I was writing my birth plan

This time

I am nervous

I am thinking a lot about the birth

But I have not yet written anything down

I am looking at baby products and clothes

But have not yet dared to buy anything

I have started watching One Born

As a bit of research

I am worried that I am not very efficient at giving birth

It makes me so emotional just thinking about it

I am having a baby

Come what may now I have to give birth

Dead or alive

I have to give birth

I am hoping and praying our Rainbow will love

And 15 weeks from now will be a beautiful baby in my arms

Keep going Rainbow Baby

Keep growing

Stay strong

We love you more than words already

We love you more than you will ever know

We love you little Rainbow