Me, The Mads and Matilda Mae

Today it has been 14 months

14 months since my daughter died

And my life changed forever

order of service front cover

I changed

My family changed

Everything changed forever

Baby Tilda should not be a baby anymore

We should be counting down now

To her second birthday

Not to the anniversary of the day

We sent her ashes to the sea

Your baby dying is something you never get over

It changes everything forever

For me I seem to have forgotten about me

I forget that there was a me before Matilda Mae

Perhaps because I cannot remember

That lightness in my heart

That spring in my step

The ease of smiles

Of laughter

Now everything feels hard

Feels horrid

Even the good stuff

Because I am living scared

Because I know how bad things can be

I thought I knew before

I thought I knew how bad things can get

When it took five rounds of ICSI IVF

To conceive our beautiful twins

I thought I knew how bad things can get

When I survived emergency bowel surgery

While heavily pregnant with twins

I thought I knew how bad things can get

When our precious twins were born

At just 27 weeks and three

I have been through hell these past few years

But nothing could have prepared me

For how bad things do really get

When your youngest baby dies

When you feed your beautiful baby to sleep

And never see her alive again

I am here today

Because of Esther and William

Who need me every hour of every day

And because of my amazing husband

Who loves me and supports me in every way

And because of you

The people who read my blog

The people who read and comment

Here and on Facebook and Twitter

You have been a lifeline for me

And I will never ever forget your kindness

Readers and fellow bloggers

Too many to mention by name

But you all know who you are

Who have stood beside me

And held my hand

As I have learned to live without my baby in my arms

Without my daughter by my side

As I learn to live with Matilda Mae

Only ever in my heart

And in my memory

But thanks to this blog

So many people know my daughter’s name

And say it out loud every day

And you are helping me

Do the one thing

It is so important for me to do

Protect her memory

And make sure no one ever forgets her name

Matilda Mae

Forgets that she was here

One of us

And ensures that she will remain

One of us

Though she can no longer be here

Be one of us

I have rambled

I am sorry

I am writing this post

To try and explain how I feel about The Mad Blog Awards

I have never been very good at accepting

That this blog, my writing, my words

Might be quite good enought

To be considered for an award

I found it hard to accept when I first reached the finals in 2011

It was only when the voting was close to closed

That I finally admitted I would really like to win

In 2011 I was a finalist in Best Baby Category

For sharing the journey of Esther and William’s first year

In 2012 I was a finalist again

This time for Best Pregnancy

With the very beautiful Matilda Mae

By the time awards season came round again

Baby Tilda had died

I was a finalist for Outstanding Contribution to blogging

And many of you will know that I won

This year is my fourth year as a finalist

And I am a finalist in four awards

Blog of the Year

Best Writer

Best Pregnancy Blog

and

Outstanding Contribution again

It means the world to me to be a finalist

It means the world to me to know that I matter

That Matilda Mae’s life and death matter

That what I am saying and writing matters

Might make a difference

Might save a life

My blog is my lifeline

It is where I turn on the darkest nights

And the downest of days

I know that many of my votes are like little kisses for Matilda Mae

And that means the world to me too

But for those in doubt

My blog will soon be in it’s fifth year

And for four years it has been a Mad Blog Award Finalist

And I am really rather proud of that

And I am not ashamed to say that if you like what you read

If you keep coming back

If you think my writing deserves an award

Well, then I would love you to vote for me

MAD Blog Awards

And thank you

With all my heart

To those of you who already have

ps – If you do not vote for me

That is, of course, absolutely fine

But please do vote for the blogs that you do enjoy and read

You might make them feel

Like this!!

all outstanding

21 thoughts on “Me, The Mads and Matilda Mae

  1. all done and voted, this had me next to tears r.i.p little one. i think your doing a great job, i enjoy reading your blog and entering your competitions. fingers crossed for you. 🙂

  2. You have done Jennie what many can’t do. You have put the indescribable into words and people can’t help but be affected. You write so beautifully and I know your blog has changed me as a mother and a human being. If only the world was full of inspirational people like you.

  3. Your voice is fresh and clear and is reaching far. You have a rare gift and you are sharing it with us in a very special way. Thank you.

  4. You have my vote too. And I promise I will never forget about your beautiful baby girl, I think about her everyday (and your family) and blow Matilda Mae kisses every night when I look to the the stars x

  5. Dearest darling Jennie,
    You are not the same Jennie as you were before Matilda Mae passed away but you are a beautiful, inspirational mummy who has grown stronger in the worst circumstance imaginable. I am so sorry Jennie you know what real pain and sadness feels like. I wish I knew why some feel so much hurt and sadness when all they deserve is happiness. I am here for you Jennie all the way to the end. You are the mummy I strive to be every day and you deserve recognition for inspiring me and others xxx

  6. Will be holding your virtual hand and sometimes, if I’m lucky, your real one for many many years and Matilda Mae, gorgeous special beautiful girl will be remembered forever. Even if one day by some miracle you find your old self, or a part of it again. And if you don’t. Always here, always remembering your perfect girl. x x x

  7. You have done the best job of making sure baby Matilda’s name is never forgotten. Your precious and beautiful baby girl who changed so many lives for the better. Your special, amazing baby who continues to inspire and promote messy play and childhood fun. Your wonderful and unique little lady who lives in the hearts of so many people. Her legacy creates many smiles and laughs everyday for other babies who wouldn’t have played in the way they do if it wasn’t for your Matilda Mae. She should be remembered and she will be remembered. She is the bringer of fun and laughter to so many young children and babies. What’s legacy to behold. What a precious baby girl you created. You should be so very very proud of her. Lots of love and hugs and kisses for Matilda Mae. Forever she shall be remembered xxx

  8. I voted for you as soon as voting opened. You have captured so many people with your writing skills, your love for your family and that beautiful little lady that no one that’s ever read this blog will forget. You deserve the moon on a stick, let alone a MAD award. xx

  9. Such a lovely and heart wrenching post at the same time, you and David have been through so much more than any person, any parent deserves. I honestly often think of you and Matilda.

    Well done for being a finalist for so many years running, that really is something to be proud of. Off to vote now. Good luck! xx

  10. Because of your blog, so much money and awareness has been raised for a vital charity. Nobody will ever forget your darling daughter; they will remember her, and you, and Esther and William all the time. More than that, it’s highly likely your words have saved lives as people read your posts and immediately ran upstairs to check on their own baby.
    Be proud of yourself x

  11. Dear Jenny, you have been through so much-many, many lifetimes’ worth of struggle including one of the very worst tragedies that can befall a person. And yet, through your writing you have created something hopeful, meaningful and important. Your blog such a special place. I don’t think you realise just how many other mums you inspire! We are all rooting for you. X

  12. Pingback: A Little BiB MAD | Edspire

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