So I am pregnant
Expecting a baby
That I hope
One day will come
And be with us
Will stay with us
Grow old with us
We are pregnant
We are expecting a baby
That we hope one day
Will come
Will stay
Grow old
We have been stripped of our innocence
No blissful joyful pregnancy for us
No awe and wonder in those earliest days
Getting to know our baby
Innocence replaced with worry
Bliss replaced with fear
Awe and wonder with anxiety and woe
Keeping watch of our baby
My mind is with Matilda Mae
My heart with Baby Tilda
I will never understand why she could not stay
I will worry every day
That her sister will follow
Just as I already live in continual fear
Of losing our eldest two
This pregnancy does not mean that Tilda no longer matters
This pregnancy does not mean that I am healed in any way
This pregnancy does not mean that I should be happy now
This pregnancy does not mean that I will find the company of babies or pregnant people any easier than before
This pregnancy does not mean I am moving on
This pregnancy does not mean I am replacing Matilda Mae
This baby will be loved
This baby will be cherished
As much as our other babies have been
This baby will be protected
This baby will be nurtured
As much as her siblings have been
This baby, this rainbow baby, does not mean I am no longer grieving
This baby does not mean I am no longer sad
This baby does not mean that I will no longer miss Tilda and long for her to be here
This baby does not mean that birthdays and Christmases are easier
This baby does not mean that Tilda days will no longer mean so much
This baby
Our baby
Does not mean that I will not still talk about Tilda every day
Because oh my goodness I will
I will still say her name every day
This baby will be watched day and night
This baby will be kept safe
This baby will be so loved
This baby will be our fourth
Younger sister to all three
This baby does not mean things are better
This baby does not mean you can expect any more from me
This baby does not mean life is easier now
This baby does not mean death is easier now
I will love this baby with all of my heart
She will bring smiles to our days
She will bring joy to our hearts
But part of me
Will always be
With Tilda x
Of course Matilda Mae, Baby Tilda, will never be replaced. Of course this pregnancy does not wipe the slate clean, or make up for your terrible loss. It will not stop you grieving for her, or wishing she was also here to meet her new sibling.
This Rainbow Baby will be beautiful and loved and wonderful in her own right. And looked over, no doubt, by her beautiful big sister in the sky.
Here with you every step of the way.
Lots & Lots of love.
We know, Jennie. Those of us who know you know all of the above already. If anyone thinks otherwise then they really have no idea at all. We know a part of you died with Tilda. A baby – no matter at what stage of life can ever simply be replaced and forgotten. I really hope there isn’t anyone who truly believes this. Hugs xx
What Heather said. We know. We will celebrate this new baby with you but we will also keep talking about Tilda and remembering her. We will not expect any more from you because what you are doing is enough. And not just on the good days when you are doing amazing things, raising money and building her legacy. On the bad days too, when you can only just remember to breathe and nothing else, it is enough. You are doing enough and you don’t have to do anything else. We love you Jennie xxxxxx
What SAHMlovingit said. I knew all of this and never thought otherwise for one second, but there are a lot of people who don’t, and my goodness you are talented at putting these complex emotional truths out there in a clear, unsentimental yet somehow poetic and beautiful way. I can imagine this post being shared by many people in the future when they get their rainbow baby to say to their friends and family, “THIS… this is how I feel, this lady wrote it perfectly.” x x x x
Another supporter of Heather’s words.
Your pregnancy will see your fourth child being born.
Tilda’s sibling.
Your child will be loved. As you love your three.
Maybe I am simplistic.
But, to me at least, that is the truth.
Nothing takes away from a baby’s siblings. The love grows.
And yours, is special, yours means you have a baby in heaven,
Your child. Much love xx
I know Jennie you lost a part of you that can never be replaced on the night you lost Matilda. Mae. This rainbow pregnancy is such a confusing time for you – a hint of happiness mixed with overwhelming grief for a daughter you have lost. I hope you feel understood here amongst your friends and that we all know you miss Matilda with every breath you take. Please take care of yourself and please dream a big dream that all will be ok. Xx
I’m in tears. You will love your baby number four, and never stop loving any one of your babies. Every day filled with LOVE <3