Today I am 16 weeks pregnant.
It has been almost 4 months since I fell.
4 months since the welly walk for Matilda Mae.
For 4 months I have mostly kept this pregnancy quiet.
Terrified that sharing our news might jinx it
Cause something to go wrong
Scared that people might think that this pregnancy
Means that Tilda does not matter anymore
That building her legacy can come to a stop
For 4 months I have kept this pregnancy quiet
Through worry and guilt
Here I am carrying a baby inside me
When my other beautiful baby died
Every time I allow myself a little rainbow baby high
It is followed by a crashing, crushing Baby Tilda low
Today I went to see the midwife
As she felt for my baby
Listened for her heart
My heart was in my mouth
I did not dare to breath
Then we heard baby kicking me
Then we heard her heart
Loud and rhythmic and clear
Hope in a heartbeat
And a mummy in tears
Floods and floods of tears
Happy tears full of hope for our rainbow
Sad tears for heartbeats gone before
Never to be felt or heard again
Such sorrow and pain and anger
At the injustice of a baby taken too soon
9 months
A special amount of time
Seems a long time
Yet we know it is really no time at all
For us it will never ever be enough
But it is all that we had
And now there is another 9 months
9 months to cherish
Make the most of
But I can’t
I am too frightened
Too anxious
Too sad
Too riddled with guilt
For a baby that should now be a toddler
About to find out she is going to be a big sister
What should be wonderful
All feels so cruel and so unfair
But I do want this baby
I want them so much
I just wish that I could still have Tilda too
I miss my baby girl
I want to hold her and tell her that I love her
Reassure her that though mummy is having a new baby
She will still be my daughter too
I should be having the same chats with her
That I will soon have with Esther and William
Her little hands should be stroking my tummy
She should be chatting and singing to the baby inside
This is not how it should be
I don’t know what to hope for
I am not sure if I should dare to dream
I don’t know what to do
“I want to hold her and tell her that I love her
Reassure her that though mummy is having a new baby
She will still be my daughter too…”
She knows, darling, she knows… And she was in cahoots with rainbow baby for sure!, before she was sent to you, I’m sure they know each other already and that she comes to you with Tilda’s love and blessing. I really believe that with my soul. x x x
Please know that no-one would ever think that this pregnancy meant Tilda didn’t matter. Everyone who knows you know how much you love your children – all your children. The ones that still live and the ones that have been taken away from you. I’m so sorry that the low has hit you tonight. Only 9 more sleeps, I think, until I can wrap my arms around you again and see your beautiful bump for the first time xx
Beautiful post and wonderful photo, just loving that in the first one, there is your baby Tilda looking over you, she will always be part of you & in this photo there she is.
I don’t know if you stood there to include her, or its just the way it was taken, but this Rainbow has a very special sister watching over her.
What a fab bump you have too x
I saw the picture and my immediate thought was “Oh wow”. Such a beautiful baby bump. This beautiful bump has been sent to you by your beautiful Matilda Mae. I’m sure when you hold and cuddle this rainbow baby, Tilda will know you’re holding and hugging her too – like always. x
me again, actually wondering if in the photo on your shoulder is the girls big brother, eek sorry I just enlarged it to see better now not sure which bundle of love it is xxx
It is William x He and Tilda are so so so similar x But there are pictures of Tilda on that wall, in that room x She is everywhere x
Firstly I want to say how beautiful you look and your bump is perfect.
Matilda will NEVER be forgotten and in no way does you having your rainbow means she does not matter anymore. Everyone will realise what conflicting emotions your rainbow will cause, happy tears at hearing a heartbeat, followed by sad tears for your star in the sky.
Please dare to dream, even if just for a few seconds. Your rainbow has been sent a a gift and is meant to be. xx
What a beautiful bump! You deserve all the happiness in the world and we will never forget Matilda Mae. She sent you this rainbow baby and she is always looking after you. You look beautiful Jennie x
Draw pictures for Matilda on rice paper and eat them so it goes into you .
Talk to your bump.
your love will shine through x
This is amazing news xxx nothing to be felt other than huge positivity xxx massive congrats!
wonderful news … hold onto that hope Jennie … this is a new life to be cherished and loved just as you love the other three … exciting times, take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself as well …
you look fabulous
Jennie your bump is beautiful. Matilda Mae will never ever be forgotten. Xxx
Thinking of you darling, you are glowing and look beautiful. Love always x
That is truly wonderful news. You deserve some happiness after everything else. I’m sure that Baby Tilda would want to see you happy. I will hope and pray for you all the way through this….xxx
Yet another beautiful post… As hard as it may be, try to enjoy this pregnancy, for your little rainbow’s sake. You look amazing, and it is obvious you have not forgotten your lovely Matilda Mae. Mel
You look beautiful Jennie. And I’m so sorry that you’re feeling scared and guilty when this should have been such a happy time for you. I have to believe that Matilda knows and that she sent this rainbow baby with bubbles and love. xxx
Your bump is so beautiful…. and Matilda Mae will love it too, because she grew in there, and you will always be her mummy, and she, your daughter. X
Wonderful post and a wonderful bump. Your rainbow is due about two weeks after our rainbow 🙂 Rainbows are so special as they bring a ray of light and joy in the darkness, but they don’t replace the child we lost or make us love our missing loved one any less. Matilda knows you love her and miss her dearly, and anyone who knows you or has been following you here could never doubt the strong love you have for her. I wish so badly for you that she had never had to leave. xxx
I don’t think words can describe how moved I was by this post. When pregnancy is the happiest time and the saddest time all rolled into one, it is definitely one of life’s bitter blows.
Good luck with your pregnancy, I wish you and your family well.
Matilda Mae is one of heavens most beautiful angels
Zena X
You look so amazing. It is all going to be so hard. You just have to take one day at a time. I am so pleased for you and so sad too xxx
What a lovely bump. And this could never mean forgetting Tilda, or her loss meaning any less. She will soon have another sibling to look at her photos and listen to your stories of her. This baby girl will not overshadow Tilda – and won’t live in her shadow either. She will be her own new, bright life. She cannot take away your pain, but I hope she brings happiness to help make your tread that little bit lighter through these darkest of days xxx
Congratulations on your rainbow baby! It’s such a mix of emotions for you, I can only try to imagine, but you are celebrating Tilda’s life too and I’m sure you will continue to do so
Oh Jennie, this is such wonderful news. I have a tear in my eye as I type this. I can only imagine the complex emotions you are working through as a family. Matilda Mae will never be forgotten or displaced. No one, least of all Tilda I think, would ever think that. Love Mrboosmum xx
Aww congratulations Jennie. I don’t think anyone could or would ever say that you are going to stop anything to do with Matilda Mae because you are having a baby. Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy.
You look beautiful. So proud of you x x x
beautiful. congratulations xx
Wondeful news!! Very moved greetings from Austria!
Congratulations Jennie and lots of love to you. And everything that Coco Azoitei said – I can’t word it any better than that. Keep the hope in your heart, next to the space where Tilda sits – You have room for both. xx
You just have to remember that Matilda is watching over you all and that includes the rainbow you are growing so beautifully!!! xx
This brought me to tears, you sound like you need one big cuddle. What a lovely baby bump. I am sure that Tilda is looking down and looking after you both. I wish you could have your angel back in your arms xx
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