When a baby dies
Ordinary life becomes impossible
Every day riddled with guilt
That you are alive
And your child is not
Ordinary days
Bring sorrow and heartache
Every silver lining
Has a bitter, dark cloud
Every sunny day has some rain
Birthdays are excruciating
Singing the words we can never sing for her
The opening of presents
Wishes on candles
Another year older
Another year gone
Parties bring a pain so raw
One cousin, one sibling, one child, grandchild
Missing
One great hole where our beauty should be
Where our daughter should be
Weddings are heartbreaking
The bride enters on her father’s arm
As our daughter will never do on hers
No speech for Tilda from David
No dress shopping with Tilda for me
No chance to give her the day of her dreams
Not knowing what her dreams may have been
Funerals unbearable
Unthinkable, as I have not yet been
Hearses and coffins, flowers on caskets
Cremated bodies and farewell prayers
Christening services
Blessed by God
Proud parents and Godparents
Celebrating new life
Looking forward to a long life
Sharing promises, hopes and dreams
We are grieving every day
For our beautiful daughter taken away
Taken too soon, never to return
The extent of our missing her
We still have to learn
For every day is a day she should be
Every day is a day she should see
She should be growing bigger, older
She should be changing before our eyes
How will we ever stop missing our baby?
The toddler that she should now be?
How will we not miss the girl she would have grown into?
What a beautiful teenager, young adult she should have been
Losing a baby changes everything
Nothing in life can remain the same
Every relationship is reevaluated
Every tie with everyone is somehow changed
You are scared to love
Feel too guilty to live
You find babies and pregnancy hard
Your feet are taken from under you
When you hear her name
Spoken to another baby
Or child the age she would be
Every toddler the same age as her
Is a reminder of what we are missing
Don’t you dare complain about how hard this is for you
As you sit holding your toddler in your arms
Losing a baby takes away compassion
Makes your mind fill with hurt and with rage
Losing a baby is like losing yourself
Over and over, day after day
My baby died
My daughter is lost
We will never see her grow
And unless this thing
Has happened to you
Never ever presume you know
You may grieve for Matilda Mae
But it is not the same as for me
Because our daughter was made from us
She was and is and always will be a part of me
I no longer coo over babies
I think I will struggle to hold my own
I am struggling to believe that this one will live
Wrestling with allowing myself to love
A baby that may hopefully soon come
Innocent love has been stolen from me
Now I am crippled with terror, with fear
Because my baby has been ripped from my arms
And can never be returned to me
My life is no longer recognisable
Not since my baby died
It will soon be 13 months
And there has not been a day that I have not cried
I love you and miss you Matilda Mae
I carry you in my heart
It hurts like hell every single day
Since we were torn apart
Ever since Baby Tilda died
Ordinary life has become impossible
Every day I am riddled with guilt
That I am alive
And my baby is not
She was and is and always will be a part of me
Oh. Just oh 🙁 useless virtual hugs again, useless sorry 🙁 xx
I hope that fury would never be a part of your life, and yet understand why it may envelop you.
I am so amazed by how much you have done in Matilda’s name, that I hope in doing so you find a peace.
I can only go by what I have read, but I do hope that all that you do in Matilda’s name gives you a strength, that she is by no means by forgotten.
She is an inspiration to all that have heard her name.
You are making her life on Earth mean so much to so many.
I can only offer love, strength and hope to get you through.
I hope you find them, from all of us. xx
Sending lots of love. I have no idea how you feel, I can only imagine and that is awful enough. I hope that you can find some comfort somehow. It doesn’t take away your pain, but there are so many people who think about Tilda, you and your family every day, as you have all touched us. We can’t take away your pain (I wish we could), but we are all here to support you when you need us xx
You will be able to hd this baby, and love this baby. It does not mean that Matilda is not missed and not loved. I hope that you can see this.
Xxxx
I am so so sorry. This poem is incredible. When you write it’s been 13 months and not a day goes by when you haven’t cried, it just hits home to me the enormity and desperation of your loss. Jennie, there is nothing a stranger like me can say except please know you are amazing and people all over the world wish things were different for you xx
I don’t know what to say but I hate reading and running. This is just heartbreaking. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel each day and again, this is why I think you’re so brave. All I can do is send my love. I’m sorry xx
I’m sorry, I don’t have any words other than to say that I’m reading, I’m here and you’re in my thoughts every day Jennie xx
Just sending lots of love and hugs. Xxxxx