Every fibre of my being
Every beat of my heart
Every intake of breath
Each gives life
Each gives fear
Terror
Each gives hope
Excitement
Too quickly quashed
By the power of loss
Every part of me
Growing new life inside of me
Every new discovery
Is somehow gently telling me
That this baby
Is a gift from Heaven
God has answered our prayers
But I am certain Baby Tilda
Has been helping with specifics
I am certain now
That the baby we lost in the summer
Was never meant to be
They were our gift to Matilda Mae
A sibling to join her
And be by her side in the sky
But this baby
This rainbow baby
Growing inside me now
This baby is her gift to me
Tilda’s gift to us
And it is a wondrous gift
With very special timing
This pregnancy
Is dated from the welly walk
2nd November 2013
The day we walked in our wellies for Matilda Mae
Matilda Mae was 9 months in the womb
9 months with her family
9 months in the sky
On that 9 month anniversary
Her wondrous gift began
The brushes were chosen
The colours mixed
The canvas prepared and primed
To grow a tiny rainbow
A tiny rainbow baby
Tilda’s present from the sky
I was 3 months pregnant
On Tilda’s anniversary
2nd February 2014
When Tilda had been dead for a year
I think our daughter in the sky
Hoped our daughter in my tummy
Might help to soften the cruel jabs and blows
Of those dreadful, darkest days
If this baby continues to grow
And I pray everyday that she will
We would reach 9 months on
2nd August 2014
Full Circle for Matilda Mae
Her 18 month anniversary
The day of the sky dive for The Lullaby Trust
I am certain these numbers are not just coincidence
I am certain there is code in there
A message from our number cruncher
That all of this is meant to be
It is hard to believe
Hard to understand
Hard to bear
I want to love our rainbow baby
As much as I love Esther and William and Matilda Mae
But I am terrified of losing her
I am scared she will not stay
I want
I need
To believe that Tilda is watching over us
Sending us all her blessing and her love
But at the moment I feel mostly fear and guilt
And that perhaps I do not deserve to mother another?
I cannot stand the thought of people forgetting Tilda
And though I want this baby so so much
A beautiful healthy baby
To grow as a person of their own
I also want them to feel the love and presence
Of their sister in the sky
And I need to feel that too
And I am certain that these numbers are a sign
This rainbow is a beautiful gift
Full of blessings and love
From all on Earth and those above
Every fibre of my being
Every beat of my heart
Every intake of breath
Each gives life
Each gives fear
Terror
Each gives hope
Excitement
Too quickly quashed
By the power of loss
Every part of me
Growing new life inside of me
Every new discovery
Is somehow gently telling me
That this baby
Is a gift from Heaven
God has answered our prayers
But I am certain Baby Tilda
Has been helping with specifics
Impossible for this baby to make us forget Matilda Mae. Impossible. She was too special, too unique. And this raimbow baby will be too special in their own unique way, tied together to Tilda by similar DNA, something magic linking them in the stars from which we all originate but a sister with an altogether different personality of her own. Unique and precious each… xxx
Beautiful words yet again. No one will ever ever forget baby Tilda but I truly believe, like you, that this is her gift to you, her Daddy and her big brother and sister and what a beautiful gift it is! I can’t imagine how hard and difficult it must be to try and relax during this pregnancy. My best friend is also pregnant with her Rainbow and I know how anxious she is. Sending love and hugs xx
Jennie, how beautiful and wonderful , these numbers certainly are a sign that you and Matilda Mae continue to be in tune with one another.
I have a special number too.
Our youngest is nearly 6 years old and I didn’t think I would have another child. My focus was on achieving ‘things’ for my existing family ; but reading about your Matilda Mae touched a dormant part of my heart and rekindled my desire to focus on building my family in the way it was really right for us.
It is the 2nd of November 2013… that my current pregnancy is dated from too.
It never felt right to tell you this before but I am so happy I can tell you now.
Thank you Jennie and Matilda Mae for my baby too.
X
Sooo happy for Jennie and its so lovely that Tilda has been helping with specifics and they must have met too. I love the name rainbow baby already. xx
We will never forget Matilda Mae. And yes, I believe this baby is an answer to prayer, and that the numbers mean something, a special link to Tilda who is and will always be part of your family xxxxx
Congratulations on your pregnancy, how wonderful! I could never ever forget your beautiful little Matilda…she has a special little place in my heart. x
How very very spooky. Yesterday I saw a rainbow whilst out, which wasn’t even in my eyeline. I stopped and photographed it. Lifted Aaron to see it over the 6 foot fence. THEN I got home to YOUR rainbow news and could not believe the coincidence so blogged about it today.
Then today, me and Aaron go for a play date, and we are not long home, and I see your post, and it is about when you would have conceived. TODAY I was discussing your good news with my dear friend, and she was very happy to hear about your rainbow. I had already done the maths with her, that I now see you have done above. Two days of signs. Two days of coincidences.
Numerology is very important. The universe is BUILT on it. All good omens that you describe and certainly not coincidences at all.
I’ll always think of you whenever I hear the numbers 999 now. Just like a rainbow is the colour after the storm. 999 is the SOS call after the emergency. You’ve had your 999 call answered.
You write so incredibly beautifully – I hope one day you write a book.
Liska xxx
Congratulations. I like everyone else will be wishing you all the best with this pregnancy. I think you are right; these numbers cannot be a coincidence. Matilda Mae will not be forgotten, you have ensured that. x
AND NOW (as discussed on Twitter) I finally know why I FELT something, when I tweeted you about the 99 red balloons song.
Will listen to it a lot tonight and think of Matilda Mae AND her rainbow:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14IRDDnEPR4
Liska xx
Jennie when I first found out about your pregnancy it was late in the evening. I’d had a long day and was really tired. I read your words and burst into tears. I felt such relief that here was something so wonderfully positive in the midst of such sadness. I went straight upstairs to tell my husband and I could hardly speak for sobbing. He was so taken aback – ‘but surely this is happy news?!’ – I said yes – of course – I am just so relieved and happy for her.
Your rainbow baby will not mean that anyone forgets Tilda, but what I think we all hope is that she can bring some joy back into your day. Every moment has been blighted since Tilda’s loss – I hope this Rainbow Baby can bring joy back into that equasion. You will never stop missing Tilda, but I hope that alongside the sadness, you will be able to experience simple happiness again xxx
Wow, can’t stop thinking about all these signs. You are giving me shivers! Congratulations again. You deserve some good news at last. Xxx
I’m sure baby Tilda is making sure that everything with your little rainbow baby is how she wants it to be. Big hugs I look forward to reading more about your rainbow baby very soon x
From the moment I knew about your precious rainbow baby I have felt such strange mixtures of happiness and fear. I am scared for you as I know this will not be easy. But I am so happy for you! You do deserve to be happy and yes, I think that there are so many signs that Matilda is looking our for you. Like you, I need to believe there is something more than this life we have here. And why wouldn’t your beautiful Matilda send such love to you, as you loved her so much when she was alive?
xxxxx
Jennie, this is such a beautiful post – it has made me feel very emotional. Matilda is looking out for you all. How could any of us ever forget her – so many things make me think of her instantly. She will be so proud of everything you have done over the past 12 months. I really do send you all my best wishes xx
Beautiful words, as always… Congratulations. x Mel
You are such a fantastic mother with so much love to give, of course you deserve to have that joy and beauty of another baby, this special rainbow baby. All these signs are so special. We will all be here to hold your hand on this journey xxx
Congratulations! You deserve this new happiness and she/he will be really lucky to have you as mom.
A rainbow! I adore rainbows! Such wonderful news, with a due date of 2nd August too. I am so happy for you all. And I hold you in my heart every day knowing how hard this time is and going to be for many many months to come. If there is a way, lock the fear & guilt to one side, revel in the miracle of this little bud growing.
You are such a wonderful mother, you deserve to have many, many children and lots of happiness with them. All the best with this new part of your journey.
She has definitely been watching and helping you along.
Lots of love and I’m so looking forward to the sky dive – it’s all for you Matilda Mae x
Catching up on your blog – massive congratulations!! I am thrilled for you, YAY!!!! What wonderful news to discover on Valentine’s Day. I am sending little prayers for your rainbow baby, and for Baby Tilda, who will never ever be forgotten. Please do not feel guilty because you feel happiness and hope. You, your family and MM so deserve to see you happy again. Lots of love, Dxx
Oh my gosh, reading this is a roller coaster of emotions – you are one brave wonderful lady! You’re Daughter Matilda May is watching over you I believe and I wish you all the luck in the world with you’re Rainbow baby! Congratulations! Sending Love x
Just caught up on these posts too. Am so pleased for you! I promise I’ll never forget your precious Baby Tilda, how could she be forgotten? Am sending you lots of love and strength for the months ahead and hope you have all the support you need. Am so delighted you got your rainbow now. xxxx
This is beautiful, you come across such a brave and strong lady. I’m praying for a rainbow baby this year after two miscarriages I had to give birth last month at 17 weeks pregnant as our little boy had a rare chromosome disorder. Good Luck with everything! Your a real inspiration xxxxx
This is so beautiful, I don’t believe that this is just a co-incidence I think Matilda is definitely watching down on you all. I am so thrilled for you all. And no one could ever forget her xx
Hii
I had similar story this is my 9th pregnancy .only one live normal daughter with me.i lost my second issue in these same dates n now due on the same date .
Is this coincidence ?
I remember when I lost my second baby boy I use to curse myself ,fight with God n ask Him return to me .
Sometimes I feel He is giving me back.
I m really scared 32 weeks pregnant .few weeks left .
Getting flashbacks of my previous losses.
Yess their is mixture of feelings .yess I can say this is my rainbow baby .waiting desperately .
N can I understand UR feelings.