Growing A Rainbow: A Gift For, A Gift From

Every fibre of my being

Every beat of my heart

Every intake of breath

Each gives life

Each gives fear

Terror

Each gives hope

Excitement

Too quickly quashed

By the power of loss

Every part of me

Growing new life inside of me

Every new discovery

Is somehow gently telling me

That this baby

Is a gift from Heaven

God has answered our prayers

But I am certain Baby Tilda

Has been helping with specifics

Clever Baby Tilda

I am certain now

That the baby we lost in the summer

Was never meant to be

They were our gift to Matilda Mae

A sibling to join her

And be by her side in the sky

But this baby

This rainbow baby

Growing inside me now

This baby is her gift to me

Tilda’s gift to us

And it is a wondrous gift

With very special timing

This pregnancy

Is dated from the welly walk

2nd November 2013

The day we walked in our wellies for Matilda Mae

Matilda Mae was 9 months in the womb

9 months with her family

9 months in the sky

On that 9 month anniversary

Her wondrous gift began

The brushes were chosen

The colours mixed

The canvas prepared and primed

To grow a tiny rainbow

A tiny rainbow baby

Tilda’s present from the sky

I was 3 months pregnant

On Tilda’s anniversary

2nd February 2014

When Tilda had been dead for a year

I think our daughter in the sky

Hoped our daughter in my tummy

Might help to soften the cruel jabs and blows

Of those dreadful, darkest days

If this baby continues to grow

And I pray everyday that she will

We would reach 9 months on

2nd August 2014

Full Circle for Matilda Mae

Her 18 month anniversary

The day of the sky dive for The Lullaby Trust

I am certain these numbers are not just coincidence

I am certain there is code in there

A message from our number cruncher

That all of this is meant to be

number cruncher

It is hard to believe

Hard to understand

Hard to bear

I want to love our rainbow baby

As much as I love Esther and William and Matilda Mae

But I am terrified of losing her

I am scared she will not stay

I want

I need

To believe that Tilda is watching over us

Sending us all her blessing and her love

But at the moment I feel mostly fear and guilt

And that perhaps I do not deserve to mother another?

I cannot stand the thought of people forgetting Tilda

And though I want this baby so so much

A beautiful healthy baby

To grow as a person of their own

I also want them to feel the love and presence

Of their sister in the sky

And I need to feel that too

And I am certain that these numbers are a sign

This rainbow is a beautiful gift

Full of blessings and love

From all on Earth and those above

growing rainbow

Every fibre of my being

Every beat of my heart

Every intake of breath

Each gives life

Each gives fear

Terror

Each gives hope

Excitement

Too quickly quashed

By the power of loss

Every part of me

Growing new life inside of me

Every new discovery

Is somehow gently telling me

That this baby

Is a gift from Heaven

God has answered our prayers

But I am certain Baby Tilda

Has been helping with specifics

25 thoughts on “Growing A Rainbow: A Gift For, A Gift From

  1. Impossible for this baby to make us forget Matilda Mae. Impossible. She was too special, too unique. And this raimbow baby will be too special in their own unique way, tied together to Tilda by similar DNA, something magic linking them in the stars from which we all originate but a sister with an altogether different personality of her own. Unique and precious each… xxx

  2. Beautiful words yet again. No one will ever ever forget baby Tilda but I truly believe, like you, that this is her gift to you, her Daddy and her big brother and sister and what a beautiful gift it is! I can’t imagine how hard and difficult it must be to try and relax during this pregnancy. My best friend is also pregnant with her Rainbow and I know how anxious she is. Sending love and hugs xx

  3. Jennie, how beautiful and wonderful , these numbers certainly are a sign that you and Matilda Mae continue to be in tune with one another.
    I have a special number too.
    Our youngest is nearly 6 years old and I didn’t think I would have another child. My focus was on achieving ‘things’ for my existing family ; but reading about your Matilda Mae touched a dormant part of my heart and rekindled my desire to focus on building my family in the way it was really right for us.

    It is the 2nd of November 2013… that my current pregnancy is dated from too.

    It never felt right to tell you this before but I am so happy I can tell you now.

    Thank you Jennie and Matilda Mae for my baby too.

    X

  4. We will never forget Matilda Mae. And yes, I believe this baby is an answer to prayer, and that the numbers mean something, a special link to Tilda who is and will always be part of your family xxxxx

  5. Congratulations on your pregnancy, how wonderful! I could never ever forget your beautiful little Matilda…she has a special little place in my heart. x

  6. How very very spooky. Yesterday I saw a rainbow whilst out, which wasn’t even in my eyeline. I stopped and photographed it. Lifted Aaron to see it over the 6 foot fence. THEN I got home to YOUR rainbow news and could not believe the coincidence so blogged about it today.

    Then today, me and Aaron go for a play date, and we are not long home, and I see your post, and it is about when you would have conceived. TODAY I was discussing your good news with my dear friend, and she was very happy to hear about your rainbow. I had already done the maths with her, that I now see you have done above. Two days of signs. Two days of coincidences.

    Numerology is very important. The universe is BUILT on it. All good omens that you describe and certainly not coincidences at all.

    I’ll always think of you whenever I hear the numbers 999 now. Just like a rainbow is the colour after the storm. 999 is the SOS call after the emergency. You’ve had your 999 call answered.

    You write so incredibly beautifully – I hope one day you write a book.

    Liska xxx

  7. Jennie when I first found out about your pregnancy it was late in the evening. I’d had a long day and was really tired. I read your words and burst into tears. I felt such relief that here was something so wonderfully positive in the midst of such sadness. I went straight upstairs to tell my husband and I could hardly speak for sobbing. He was so taken aback – ‘but surely this is happy news?!’ – I said yes – of course – I am just so relieved and happy for her.

    Your rainbow baby will not mean that anyone forgets Tilda, but what I think we all hope is that she can bring some joy back into your day. Every moment has been blighted since Tilda’s loss – I hope this Rainbow Baby can bring joy back into that equasion. You will never stop missing Tilda, but I hope that alongside the sadness, you will be able to experience simple happiness again xxx

  8. From the moment I knew about your precious rainbow baby I have felt such strange mixtures of happiness and fear. I am scared for you as I know this will not be easy. But I am so happy for you! You do deserve to be happy and yes, I think that there are so many signs that Matilda is looking our for you. Like you, I need to believe there is something more than this life we have here. And why wouldn’t your beautiful Matilda send such love to you, as you loved her so much when she was alive?
    xxxxx

  9. Jennie, this is such a beautiful post – it has made me feel very emotional. Matilda is looking out for you all. How could any of us ever forget her – so many things make me think of her instantly. She will be so proud of everything you have done over the past 12 months. I really do send you all my best wishes xx

  10. You are such a fantastic mother with so much love to give, of course you deserve to have that joy and beauty of another baby, this special rainbow baby. All these signs are so special. We will all be here to hold your hand on this journey xxx

  11. A rainbow! I adore rainbows! Such wonderful news, with a due date of 2nd August too. I am so happy for you all. And I hold you in my heart every day knowing how hard this time is and going to be for many many months to come. If there is a way, lock the fear & guilt to one side, revel in the miracle of this little bud growing.
    You are such a wonderful mother, you deserve to have many, many children and lots of happiness with them. All the best with this new part of your journey.

  12. Catching up on your blog – massive congratulations!! I am thrilled for you, YAY!!!! What wonderful news to discover on Valentine’s Day. I am sending little prayers for your rainbow baby, and for Baby Tilda, who will never ever be forgotten. Please do not feel guilty because you feel happiness and hope. You, your family and MM so deserve to see you happy again. Lots of love, Dxx

  13. Oh my gosh, reading this is a roller coaster of emotions – you are one brave wonderful lady! You’re Daughter Matilda May is watching over you I believe and I wish you all the luck in the world with you’re Rainbow baby! Congratulations! Sending Love x

  14. Just caught up on these posts too. Am so pleased for you! I promise I’ll never forget your precious Baby Tilda, how could she be forgotten? Am sending you lots of love and strength for the months ahead and hope you have all the support you need. Am so delighted you got your rainbow now. xxxx

  15. This is beautiful, you come across such a brave and strong lady. I’m praying for a rainbow baby this year after two miscarriages I had to give birth last month at 17 weeks pregnant as our little boy had a rare chromosome disorder. Good Luck with everything! Your a real inspiration xxxxx

  16. Hii
    I had similar story this is my 9th pregnancy .only one live normal daughter with me.i lost my second issue in these same dates n now due on the same date .
    Is this coincidence ?
    I remember when I lost my second baby boy I use to curse myself ,fight with God n ask Him return to me .
    Sometimes I feel He is giving me back.
    I m really scared 32 weeks pregnant .few weeks left .
    Getting flashbacks of my previous losses.
    Yess their is mixture of feelings .yess I can say this is my rainbow baby .waiting desperately .
    N can I understand UR feelings.

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