Grief is inconvenient
It has no agenda
Keeps no schedule
Does no forward planning
You can try to guess when the worst will hit
But more often than not you are wrong
Grief is inconvenient
It is not aware of your plans
When you do and do not have help
When the children are or are not at school
I am certain that even if it did know
It would not much care
Grief is inconvenient
Grief comes for you when it sees fit
It does not tease or flirt
It consumes
It suffocates
It takes you over
Relentless wave after relentless wave
Grief is inconvenient
Striking anytime, any place
It takes you without warning
It comes and it stays
And it ruins your day
Grief is inconvenient
Soul destroying
Relationship ruining
Family breaking
Grief does not care who else is in it’s path
Grief is coming for you
Grief is inconvenient
Unless a bad day falls when we have friends or family here
David has to step in and help
Then I feel guilty to my core
For taking him away from his work
For his business or on the house
He needs me to be coping now
He cannot step in all the time
Grief is inconvenient
I do not have my Mum round the corner
To pop over for a cuppa
Or to help for an hour or so
My friends all go to work
Of course they do
But sometimes I just need someone for me
Grief is inconvenient
When you are a mother
Because it is just not supposed to be
We are not built with enough capacity
I do not have the capacity
To grieve for one child
While with the others playing carefree
Grief is inconvenient
When you are trying to be a mummy
I am living testament that it just cannot be done
You cannot parent full time for children here on Earth
When you have a baby angel in the sky
She needs and deserves my attention too
I need and deserve some attention too
Grief is inconvenient
It is taking over me
I know no longer know how to enjoy, to be
I am trying to be the best mummy I can be
To all of my children
But on days as dark as this one
I am not sure it can be done
I am not a machine!
Grief cannot be programmed
Or controlled
You do not know when it will come along
Or how it will manifest it’s hold
Grief knocks you sideways
It sweeps you off your feet
In the worst imaginable ways
Grief takes hold
It pushes you down
It isolates you
From all you know, you love
You cry alone
In the darkest corners of your mind
And time just seems to stand still
While all about you carry on unaware
Oblivious to how it truly feels to be me
Grief is a monster
It frightens and haunts
I am so lonely
I feel so alone
I cannot have bad days
It is not possible to take time to cry and to rage
I cannot
Because it leads to more guilt and grief and rage
A house of horror
Of fighting and shouting
And all because we miss our little girl
The grief takes hold
The day unfolds
The tears flow
The confusion reigns
The anger builds
The behaviour deteriorates
And grief has won
Taken us down
Taken me
And through me them
And I am powerless
I have no clue what to do
To make it better
I miss my little girl
But I have to fight the grief
I have to block it’s course
I cannot have a day where I choose not to play
I cannot have a day of the silence I crave
I cannot take time out to grieve
I cannot take unscheduled time
It just cannot be done
Because the only person truly able to help
When the need for time comes on is David
And he needs his time too
I have been a terrible mother today
To all of my children
A terrible wife to David
Because I was not strong enough to battle the grief
Our day has ended like this
In heartache and despair
Grief is inconvenient
Striking anytime, any place
It takes you without warning
It comes and it stays
And it ruins your day
Grief is inconvenient
Soul destroying
Relationship ruining
Family breaking
Grief does not care who else is in it’s path
Grief is coming for you
I’m so sorry.
xxxxxxxxxxx
God, this is amazing writing and I so wish it were only great writing and not really your reality today. Grief came for you today, but you know you are so strong 99 days out of 100, and how CAN it be not ok for you to fall apart on the 100th? It HAS to be because nothing else is possible! I wish I had known your day would turn out like this this morning, I should have got in the car and driven down to you to look after the twins, or just be with you. I could have. Next time I have a free day and you show signs of a possble catastrophic day ahead I will follow my instincts and come… I’m sorry I didn’t. 🙁 I think the only thing to be done is probably to take a dustpan and broom and sweep away the emotional debris of the day, forgive and love each other (even though there really is nothing to forgive you know!) and tomorrow is another day in which I pray grief takes it easier on you… I’m sorry Jennie, this is just too, too hard. No one should have to live through such pain. No one, least of all such a good person as you are. Please be gentle with yourself… it’s just too hard and you shouldn’t have to live through this at all, and yet somehow, you are. No one could do it better, you deserve NO criticism, least of all from yourself! x x x x x x x x x x x
Do not be so hard on yourself… So sorry for you and your family. Mel
You are doing so great. Your baby died – ask anyone how they would cope with that. Especially as you are reliving all the fresh feelings again from last year. Xxxx
Oh Jennie I have no words, I just wish I could take all of this away from you and bring Matilda back xxx
(((xXx)))
Grief is a horrendous thing. Thoughts and prayers with you Jennie. You are doing the best you can.
Oh Jennie, this is such a heartbreaking post. You are torn into pieces. I can’t even begin to imagine how horrendous your days are at times. You do your very best, you could not possibly give more than you do.
Is there any chance that you could get a childminder for a few hours, to give you a bit of space to be you, to grieve, to have silence? You need time for you too, if you can find any.
You are amazing, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, you are just getting through the best you can. Thinking of you xxx
xxx #nowords #justhugs xxx
I’m so sorry. I hope tomorrow is an easier day. I wish I knew what to say – words just seem so useless xxx
I so often wished I lived around the corner.
I would drop food, I would take Esther and William out on a walk or out in the garden to give you time.
I would go away when you’d tell me.
I’d do your cleaning…
It would be about you and not about me.
I’m sorry it is not so…
I’m sorry such a lovely couple as you are is living this nightmare.
It’s not fair. It really is not fair.
x
I am so, so sorry Jennie. I’ve never commented before. I’ve not been following you for long, just kind of watching from the sidelines. Your story is heartbreaking and consuming – I don’t think there is anyone who can know what’s happened and not ache for your loss. I can’t do or say anything to help, but I just wanted to say that your memories of Matilda make so much of the internet shine – you honour her beautifully with your words and honesty. I feel so privileged to know about her through your writing. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say your little girl is a powerful force in so many lives. I am thinking of you and your family at this painful time. Know that there is a lot of love in the world for you and your baby xxx
Dear Jennie
I just read your beautiful and touching words about Matilda Mae. I discovered your website through great north mum so I don’t know you or your family but felt compelled to write to you and say that I lit a candle on the 2nd feb for Matilda and all the other little ones gone too soon. You manage to convey your thoughts, feelings and grief in a truly exceptional way, but what really shines through more than anything , even in what must be your darkest times is your capacity to love, your husband your twins and Matilda. I just wanted to write and say thank you for sharing this and wish you peace. Angela
Jennie, you write so beautifully even when you are being swallowed up by despair and pain. You are so right, grief is a monster, everything that has happened to you is a nightmare. You deserve time, silence, space but with small children these are three things that are so hard to find at anytime. Please don’t be hard on yourself, what you achieve everyday is miraculous, you are an incredible mother, the best of the very best. Please look after you xxx
I hope the following days have been easier on you. Everyone breaks at some time, you have more reason than many xx
Hugs to you beautiful Jennie!
Grief is not something you can change, how you cope with it is not really in your power to change either. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself! Some of us take a lot longer to get up again after a blow. (And my God have you been dealt an horrific one.)
Change what you can change: Can you get someone (aside from David) to be there and step in when the waves become too high and you feel you are drowning? Someone who is there to help at anytime? An au pair, a nanny?