Here it is
The month I have been dreading
One year on from the day you died
One year on from when part of me died
One year on from the start of the darkest days, weeks, months and year of my life
You died
And although you died on a day
A night to be precise
The pain is not contained to that one day
You died on the second
It was not really until the morning of the third that we were able to even think about what had happened
It was the fourth before I had any words
Every day in February Esther and William would ask
Where is Baby Tilda?
They could not understand where you had gone
How could they when we could not believe it ourselves?
February was the month when all your Daddy wanted to do was sleep
February was the month we had to sort through all your things
February was the month we waited for you to have your autopsy
February was the month we saw you, your body, in a coffin
February we chose the things you would take to Heaven
February we brought them to you in your casket
Daddy was so brave laying them with you
February was the month we planned your funeral
Tried to find the right words, right music, right way to say goodbye
February was the month Esther refused to go in the bath
None of us were coping very well without Baby Tilda here
February was the month we had to tell people
Over and over again
That our baby daughter had died
February was the month I was filled with milk
And had no baby to feed with it
The 2nd February is the anniversary of Baby Tilda’s death
February held the darkest days of our lives
We had no will
No direction
No clue where to turn
It is not just about one day
We will always dread February
We will always struggle in February
The days of that first February haunt us still
They will til the day we die
And here it is arrived
February
Rudely declaring that one year has gone
One year without Matilda Mae
When a baby dies
Time is not a healer
Each year gone is a year further away
Another year of potential lost
Another year of milestones missed
I will always hate February
I have no words but I’m sending you so much love xxxxxx
No words, just love. So much of it xxxx
I don’t have any words but I am thinking of you Jennie, and I am thinking of your family too. x x x
Sending you and David all my love and strength to help you through this horrible horrible time xxx
No words. Nothing I can say. Love you. You’re being incredible and Matilda Mae is undoubtedly proud beyond belief and radiating her love for you from Heaven. I’m sorry x x x x x x x x x x x
So, so sorry for your loss. There are no other words, just an abundance of love and hugs, of peace and protection from the harshness of this month. x
You are in my thought’s all the time. February is also the anniversary of my wonderful mums death and her birthday so it is also a month I dread…even 14 years on. I have made a small donation to your fund for Matilda Mae, it’s not a lot but I wanted to do something “real” as words so often don’t seem enough xxxxx
Sending you all so much love xxxxxx
Thinking of you and your family today X
No words just hugs.
Hugs for you all xx
I’ve thought about you in some way, every day since that fateful day. Extra special thoughts and prayers for you tomorrow x x
I have no words for this post. My heart breaks for you all. xxx
I feel so sad for you and I’ve never even met you. I never met Tilda. Your story has affected so many, and so many are thinking of you. Hugs. xxx
Oh Jennie, just like everyone else, I don’t know what to say. Just know that we’re all here and holding you up and offering a shoulder. Sending so much love. x
Sending you much love, and thinking of you and your family at this very dark time. X
No words, just tears ….and lots of love and hugs to you all. xx
Dear Jennie,
I don’t know you, sadly never met Tilda and can’t even begin to imagine your pain, but I am thinking of you and sending you and your family love. Life will never be the same without Tilda, but you sound like an amazing mummy and I hope you find the peace and joy you so deserve. You and your baby girl have touched so many lives.
Jennie,
I discovered your blog on 05.10.13, the day my son turned 9 months old. As I read through your experiences I cried and cried. My husband and I snuck into my baby boy’s room and gently lifted him and removed all the quilting from his cot and placed him back down. I didn’t sleep that night, I thought about your sadness and I thought about how quickly life can change. I was terrified and heart broken at the same time.
And Jennie I hope you can forgive me for this, I deleted you from my twitter feed, not because I don’t care but it was all too painful, too close to home for me to read. I felt useless that I could not help you. 140 characters is never enough. But it doesn’t mean that you haven’t been in my thoughts, especially today.
As I dip in and out of your blog it is so sad to read, and it hits me that although I can choose to dip in and out of the sadness it is your everyday existence. I think you are amazingly strong.
Even though we have never met I feel heartbroken for you but I am also so proud of you. I think it is inspiring how you have carried your grief around in your heavy heart but continued to be an amazing mother to your family and keep the memory of Tilda true and happy. I think it is amazing how you have made it your work to raise awareness and offer support.
I hope tonight you are surrounded by those who love you to support you through this difficult day, and that they continue to stand by.
You are a superhero.
God Bless. xx
I came across your blog when I was looking for ideas for my granddaughters 3rd Birthday Gruffalo Party….little was I to know how much I would think about a total stranger and her grief…..I had to sign in today, thinking of you and your family.
xxx
My eyes are full of tears for you all, take care over this hard time xx
Absolutely utterly heartbreaking. I’m so so sorry xxx
Sending you lots of love and strength, and especially thinking of you now, and of beautiful Matilda Mae. My heart is breaking for you. Take care. Xxxxx
It is utterly unbearable. My thoughts are with you and your family. Nothing can make this better, but I hope there is some comfort in all your friends, close and far away, holding you in their thoughts this month and always. xxx
Jenny – I read your blog often – but haven’t commented before. I think of you, your family and your beautiful baby Tilda often. I am so sorry she’s not here with you. Much love x
Jennie,
I wanted to come and tell you once again, that I have thought of you every single day without fail since Matilda Mae went to heaven. It is utterly cruel, horrific and terrible that you have to live with this pain every single day. Know that you have so many people, near, far and wide that are thinking of you. Always. xx
Jennie, I can only begin to imagine how incredibly hard today has been, and how impossibly hard tomorrow will be. Sending you hugs – I hope you have a lot of love and support around you xx
No words, but sending you love in this harshest of months. My heart breaks all over again when I read your words and see the photo of your beautiful beautiful baby girl, I will never understand why she has been so cruelly taken from you. It defies all sense. xxx
I do not know what to say… But I am here trying hard to find the words. In honesty I don’t think I can say anything except you are amazing, you are awesome parents, kind caring and loving. It kills a part of me knowing such a wonderful family lost an Angel. Its not right, and makes no sense – its cruel and unfair.
Huge hugs to you all. XxxxX
Once again, me who thinks I am a wordsmith have none that are adequate. Know that I am thinking of you and your family and knowing that Matilda Mae is a huge part of that family and always will be.
I sit, I reflect and I wish I could make things better.
Think of you often, more than you know.
Much love today and always
I came to know your blog through the loss of Matilda. I wish it was for a different reason. I have always thought that in the photos Tilda looked wise beyond her years. A beautiful baby who, though she was here just for just a small while, has made such a big difference. I’m thinking of you today Jennie and will light a candle in the morning where it will burn brightly through the day and into the night. For Matilda Mae xxx
This moved me to tears. I cannot imagine your pain. No words, just love xxxxx
Jennie, my thoughts, love and strength are yours today. The mixture is ready and waiting for the children to be up and ready then we will blow big beautiful bubbles for Matilda xxx
There are just no words, but I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Hugs, Sophie.
Thoughts are with you all Jennie.
Thinking of you x
I’m so sorry for your loss. I am positive she is resting peacefully in Heaven. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Thinking of you all so much
Beccy x
My heart breaks for you, my eyes fill with tears. I am so so sorry. Xxxxxx
xxx – sending you strength.
Just reading that has brought tears to my eyes! You are all in my thoughts xx
loving thoughts to all of you xx no words are enough but it is all I have.
Thinking of you all Jennie today and beautiful Matilda Mae in heaven, everyday. All our love and strength to you. Vx