The week started with a heavy heart
David took Esther and William out for the day
To give me some time to sort through our baby things
Many of them were Esther and William’s
Many of them were Tilda’s
Next month
After Tilda’s anniversary
We are starting work on improving the upstairs of our house
First will be the bathroom which is now alive and growing!!
And our bedroom
The bedroom we no longer use
Have not used since the night Matilda died
Our bedroom
Where our baby died
Where we and they tried to save her
Where I could not turn the light off
The light that shone
A spotlight on my beautiful baby
Dead
Too much hurt and pain
Overshadowed the fact that this was not just our room
But Tilda’s room
This is Baby Tilda’s room
The bedroom she shared with us every night of her life
She never had a nursery
Her room was our room
Which is why we now sleep on a mattress
On the floor of our lounge
David took Esther and William out so that I could sort through our room
We decided to donate Tilda’s things
All our baby things
To our local Sure Start Centre
From their they will be distributed to families in need
It feels like the right thing to do
I know no matter what
That we cannot use them again
Too many memories
Too much risk of heartache and pain
Nightmares and flashbacks
Of our baby gone too soon
On Monday
We took the things to the centre
Where the staff were so grateful
I told them all about Tilda
I seem to tell everyone we meet
The staff were so lovely to us
To David and I
They asked us if we were getting any support
And were genuinely concerned when we said we were not
They told us that Sure Start offer counselling
Right there at the centre
It is an ad hoc, drop in service
You just sign up for a session when you need one
They signed us up straight away
No forms, no questions
Just genuine care and concern
I wish we had known about the service sooner
Saying goodbye to Tilda’s things
And especially her beeautiful moses basket
Was really really hard
The next day
Tuesday
I just totally and utterly fell apart
My heart was breaking all over again
No parents should have to go through
What David and I have been through this past year
And continue to live with day by day
David was wonderful on Tuesday
Together we got through to bedtime
Then we cried
I cried and cried
And it helped
Crying helps
Sometimes all I need is
Someone to hold me and let me cry
Wednesday was a lovely day
My aunty and uncle came
As they always do
We love Wednesdays
We all have a little time to breathe
The week sailed by
As all weeks do
In a choppy sea of happiness and heartache
Tears and laughter
Messy play, art and craft
Storytelling, playing
TV watching
Sneezing and coughing
And loving each other
More than words can say
This was a week with a heavy heart
Supported and loved by family and friends
This was a week
Where we missed our baby girl
This was a week when every baby born
Felt like a dagger in my chest
This was a week consumed by loss
This was a week when a three year old boy died
And all the fear and pain and rage came rushing back
This was a week with a heavy heavy heart
Oh Jennie, no-one should have to go through what you have gone through. As ever all my love xx
Jennie, I’m so so sorry your week has been so so hard! But so pleased the people at the Sure Start Center have looked after you both and can continue to do so. I really and truly feel your pain reading your posts and wish baby Tilda was still with you every day xx
I can only hope your pain gets lighter. A very emotional read with beautiful photos of your children.
Sending hugs, you have been so strong this last year xx
Thanks for linking up to Project 365.
Hugs…so sorry you had such a difficult week.
Glad you will now be getting some support via counselling from Sure Start. So surprised you weren’t told of them before…hope it helps you x
Dearest Jennie,
Everything you do inspite of all your pain and grief is inspirational. You did something kind and generous for needy families and I think Matilda was with you on that journey and make sure you knew about the counselling sessions while you were there. I really believe Matilda was born to you to be your guiding light – born to be an angel and be your inspiration here on earth. And what an inspiration she is to you. I can’t imagine the pain and heartache you go through without your baby in your arms. I think about you so much Jennie and wish there was something I could do to help you. Xxx
what a sad sad week, and how brave of you to share it with us all. Your heart break and anguish is just to awful for me to comprehend.
I am truly glad though you have found a source of support, and I truly believe Tilda sent you to that centre to pass on her stuff so that you found that support. I am glad you have each other to hold onto and cry.
Love the top picture of Esther and her laugh, and William being a typical boy and playing with his track.
hugs to you all. xx
When you cry, when anyone cries, all the hormones released by stress, that would otherwise build up, are cried out. Tears heal in more ways than just release. Tears are good.