Monster Mummy

I am struggling today

I have horrible sinus pain

That is affecting my teeth and my head

And giving me pressure behind one eye

It makes moving with small people

Quite a challenge

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David and I took Tilda’s things this morning

I had planned to drop and run

But the ladies were so kind and so thankful

I had to explain why we were donating

I had to tell them Tilda’s name

I wanted to know where her things were going

The ladies were wonderful

They explained how the things are distributed

And where to

And then they looked at David and I

And asked

What help are you getting?

What support are you getting?

To which we honestly replied none.

We told of the attempts to access counselling

Through our GP

And then one lady said

We do bereavement counselling here

We do family counselling

You can come together

The children can go in to the free creche

No forms, no phone call

Just come in and talk

A true drop in session

Available when you need to talk

We start next week

David is away so I will go on my own

But in the future we can go together

Esther and William too

How did we not know that this service was there?

How had no one told us that this support was available?

Perhaps they did

The night that Tilda died

But everything was such a haze

Why has no one called us and told us that someone was there?

It has been a year!

I am thankful that we can talk to someone now

But I worry that it has been left too late

I worry for couples not as strong as David and I

That do not have other children to pull them through

Bereavement care in this country needs to be looked at

Needs to be coordinated

And people should be given gentle reminders of what is there

I am certain that what I wanted and needed has changed month by month

Life is truly horrible when a baby dies

Sometimes you want to lock yourself away

Others you crave someone to talk to

I cannot help but tell everyone I meet about Tilda

I cry as soon as I start to talk

But I talk all the same

Because she is my daughter and I love her

And I will never let her be forgotten

We are a family of five!

Saying goodbye to Tilda’s beautiful things

The realisation that help was there and we did not know

The sinus pain

All of these things built up into a panic

A rush of fear and anxiety

I was a monster mummy to Esther and William today

It did not last long

I felt myself change

And I rushed out of the room

As fast as I could

I sat on the stairs

And I cried

I sobbed and sobbed

And my heart broke all over again

But it is what I needed to do

Esther found me

She wanted a story

And we snuggled together beneath a blanket

Esther, William and me

And we read stories

And it was all okay again

David is going away next week

I am terrified of parenting alone

It is ridiculous

People do it all the time

Every day

I was determined that I was going to be okay

But I know that I am not

The closer we get to Tilda’s anniversary

The more fear and anxiety I feel

The more I am struggling to breathe

The easier the tears begin to fall

I feel like I am losing myself

I feel like I am forgetting how to be a mummy

I know that I am grieving

That I am just so desperately sad

But I want to be strong for my children

For my husband

I am just not sure that I can

David only ever works away once a year

For one week

And on the last day of that week last year

Baby Tilda died

People can say it is just another day

It is just a date

Just a number

It is not just anything

It is the anniversary of the day our baby died

The anniversary of the day our family changed forever

The day I lost myself for always

Never to be quite the same

It is the time we start to relive our last days with our daughter

It is the time we question what we could or should have done

It is the start of reliving our earliest days without her

It is going to be living hell

And it is beginning already

It has already begun

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16 thoughts on “Monster Mummy

  1. Dear Jennie,
    I really feel for you. I know this does not help, nor does it make anything any less awful for you, but there are lots of people out there who are reading the beautiful yet sad things you write, and like me, lie awake at night, thinking about you, your little Matilda, your gorgeous Esther and William. Mel

  2. Oh my goodness Jennie, this is going to be so hard. So painful. But you have no choice but to go through it and I hate that. Looking at her picture it is still so hard to believe that Matilda is not here. And I never had the chance to see you with her, to see you happy. I am so so sorry and I cannot wait to see you at the weekend.
    xxxxxxxx

  3. Literally just cried for you, I hate that you have to go through this.

    I am glad that you have finally found help though, it is almost like a sign that you find it when donating Tilda’s things too, at a time when I think you must need it most since it is approaching the anniversary too. I hope the sessions help you all, I know it won’t change what has happened but hopefully it will help you find ways to cope.

    I also get very anxious when solo parenting, but can’t imagine how hard it must be for you with everything playing on your mind. Feel free to tweet away if you are finding yourself lonely or needing support that week xx

  4. Must be so hard. Just don’t have any words x but I truly hope blogging it out is it’s own kind of therapy xxx You are an inspiration for anyone who’s been through what you have and I hope that carries on giving you strength xxx

  5. I wish I lived near you and I could go around and help you with the twins, meals, bath and bedtime. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. I have no doubt that Matilda Mae lead you to this place today and that is why you found out what you did today. Maybe before this you had other stages of grief to go through and now you are ready to talk. I truly believe Matilda Mae’s spirit lives in your heart and in your darkest moments she is there with you holding you tight. Be gentle on yourself and you could never be a monster mummy just a heartbroken one who is so kind, thoughtful, imaginative, creative, adoring mummy – one we all aspire to be! Take care xx

  6. I couldn’t leave this post without commenting Jennie. I get anxious when I have to solo parent, let alone with such a heart wrenching date approaching, you are bound to feel the way you are. But just remember you are not a monster Mummy, from what I can tell you are one of the best. I also wanted to tell you that there is not a day that has gone past this last year that I haven’t thought of Matilda and your family, and I will be thinking of you extra hard over the next couple of weeks. xxx

  7. Jennie, you asked a while ago what being brave meant. I think being brave is
    helping others when it hurts your own heart so much to do so. I think being brave is accepting help and allowing yourself to be loved even when parts of you are broken. You seem to me to be so so incredibly brave. Stars have a whole new meaning to me since I started reading your words. Matilda Mae touches people every day . Much love to you & your husband & beautiful twins xx

  8. Hi Jennie,
    I think Matilda Mae led you there today. She knows your sorrow and wants to help you, David, William, and Esther. Of all the days you could have done this heartbreaking task, you did it today, just a few weeks shy of the day Tilda joined the angels. You were there today because you weren’t ready before. Knowing your precious baby lives on in your heart doesn’t ease the ache of your empty arms. God Bless you.

  9. Goodness Jennie my heart breaks for you again and again. What a horrible world you are living in. Could a friend or family member move in while David is away? It is very normal to feel the way you do, after what you’ve been through and are still experiencing daily. I am glad those ladies are there and that you have someone to talk to. That there is no readily available help like this is truly shocking. Love to you x x

  10. Oh, Jennie, I have cried for you and you family, and for your gorgeous Matlida on reading this. Sorting through her things must have been so difficult, but I am so glad you have been offered the counselling now you need. There is no way you are a monster Mummy at all, you are just a heartbroken one who is also being a wonderful Mum to your twins. Sending all my love and strength for the weeks ahead. Xxxx

  11. Oh Jennie, only the fact that I’m reading this on a packed train on my way to work stops me from breaking down in tears and sobbing for you, for Tilda, for the cruelness of it all. You are under immense emotional pressure and it’s heartbreaking to see someone going through such a nightmare, my thoughts and prayers are with you always. You will get through it, it will be awful yes, but you will do it and your darling twins will give you the strength to. They love their wonderful mummy oh so much, as does your angel shining down on you, always in your heart. Be kind to yourself, you are amazing and strong xxx

  12. Jennie this is heartbreaking to read. These weeks ahead are going to be awful. I hate it when my husband goes away and I have the 2 children on my own for 2 nights – let alone a week with the emotional pressure that you are under. You will come through all this – you have already made it through so many hellish days – its just so cruel and unfair that you have been given no choice. I’m so pleased you have found out about the family counselling – but yes – its such a failing in the system you were not informed of this sooner! Thinking of you lots and sending you much love xxx

  13. Well, i have cried,sobbed many a time for you all Jennie and to this very day, i do not know where your strength comes from, i truly don’t.

    You are the “Mother” of all earth Mummies. I do adore you so and also worry a lot for you since the loss of Tilda Mae. I know you have a very testing time looming and if the responses of your blogs help you in any small way then i am enormously relieved. I have witnessed over time an outpouring of love,compassion and sheer willing for you to come through this ordeal. I for one will carry you in my thoughts for eternity. Never a day goes by when you don’t pop into my mind.Bless your Hearts all of you. Try n Take it eezy breezy and please know, WE CARE!!!!
    XXXXXXXX

  14. Well, i have cried,sobbed many a time for you all Jennie and to this very day, i do not know where your strength comes from, i truly don’t.

    You are the “Mother” of all earth Mummies. I do adore you so and also worry a lot for you since the loss of Tilda Mae. I know you have a very testing time looming and if the responses of your blogs help you in any small way then i am enormously relieved. I have witnessed over time an outpouring of love,compassion and sheer willing for you to come through this ordeal. I for one will carry you in my thoughts for eternity. Never a day goes by when you don’t pop into my mind.Bless your Hearts all of you. Try n Take it eezy breezy and please know, WE CARE!!!!
    XXXXXXXX
    Lindie-Lou
    Ms Linda Rose Granville-Halstead

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