This year Christmas is hitting hard.
Nothing can be the same.
Not when a baby has died.
Everything is different.
It has to be.
For my sanity.
Nothing can be the same.
Last year Tilda loved the tree.
People tell me to think of the good times
Our happy times with Tilda
Do you know what happens when I do that?
My heart breaks all over again
It is like someone is clawing at the insides of my mind
Wrenching my soul from my broken body
It is far too soon to think like that
Those memories are not comforting yet
It is all too soon
Being without her is still too new
She has not just gone away
She died
What use to us are the memories?
They just cause us even more pain.
We are not just grieving the daughter we miss
But for our old lives that died with her
Nothing can ever be the same again
So as you swig your wine and sip your sherry this year
Spare a thought for those whose hearts are breaking
Those who can no longer sing the carols they love
Without crying for the baby they’ve lost
Those who feel stabbed by every star
Blinded by every light
Those who have a part of them missing
Have the very heart of them missing
Those who are carrying on as best they can
For the children who rely on them
To create the magic of the season
For those who cry knowing for every present ripped open
There is one that was never bought or wrapped
Those who cannot answer the question
What would you like for Christmas this year
Because no one on this earth
Can ever give me the one thing I want
This year we will get through Christmas
It will not be easy, it will not be fun
And as we remember last year
We will not smile
We will cry
Because she is not here
This year or next
She will never have Christmas with her children
Our grandchildren
That can never be
We are mourning our 9 month old baby daughter
And all that she will never be
So this Christmas
We will not be merry
Or happy
Or thankful
We will be all that we can be
But it won’t come close to that
But we go through the motions
Because Esther and William deserve so much more
So much more than they have had or we can give
But we do the best we can
We have lights and stars and decorations
And finally
At last
We have our tree
Our Tilda tree
Our memory tree
A tree started anew this year
Adorned with lights and stars
And memories
I have not used any of our standard baubles this year
Only the things that mean something special
Stars for beautiful Matilda Mae
Bells to ring to make sure the angels are given their wings
Penguins and snowmen for our beautiful two
Angels and fairies for Esther
Trains for William, our boy
Every little thing on our tree
Is significant, special
Each year we will add something new
For Esther
For William
For Tilda too
Because Christmas is a time for Tilda
And this will forever be
Our Tilda tree
Your words are so moving Jennie. So strong, powerful, I hear your pain although I can’t say I understandas thst would be patroniding. I am here though, I am reading this, feeling the tears and thinking about angels. Xxxx
Your tree is beautiful Jennie and you are a strong mummy to get up each morning and try to carry on. Your heart is broken and your love for everything is lost. Hide away this Christmas with your husband and the twins and just grieve and take time to be silent. You should be thinking of yourself because this year there is no celebration for you. How can there be? I can hear your pain and your anger in this post and I know that each day is getting harder for you to cope. I hope the counselling will help you in some small way Jennie. Take care of yourself and thinking of your always x
Hi Jennie,
I hope there’ll be a Christmas someday where the good memories will be a comfort. Until then, I really admire you for making such a tremendous effort for your children.
I love the idea of having only significant things on the tree and adding something new each year, we do the same.
My best wishes during this difficult time xxx
Dear Jennie,
We sang for Matilda Mae at funtrain yesterday. We held up our stars and thought of her with tears in our eyes but smiles on our faces.
This year decorating our tree has been different too. I keep thinking of the photo you posted on Facebookasr year, of Matilda’s Christmas sensory box. And the picture with the lights. Our star lights are new this year and very precious. Our lite tree has it’s angel wings and we are all thinking of you. We have a star shaped candle to light on Christmas Eve when I know your heart will be breaking once more. Remember that if there is ever anything I can do I will do it. Always.
Xxxx
Oh my goodness, you did it. When I saw your tree it took my breath away and I just thought, Oh my God she did it!” and then I cried. I can’t even begin to describe how highly I think of you for doing that tree for Tilda and Esther and William, and doing it so beautifully, and I can’t imagine how much strength it took to do it. It’s perfect. Our tree has about three times the number of stars on it as last year… and like your wonderful friend ghostwritermummy, every time I turn on the lights on our mantlepiece I picture that photo of Tilda with her lights. I promise, Tilda will be thought of a lot more than once in our house this Christmas. Sending you all the love and strength imaginable. Will be online this Christmas if you need us… any time of the day or night (my phone will beep if I get a FB update)…xxx
Oh Jennie – it is a thing of beauty, just like Matilda. How much strength you must have to make such a beautiful tree for Esther, William and Tilda and with so many precious memories. I hope one day the memories of your happy times will fill your heart with warmth but until then, I hope that you get plenty of hugs from your family and are allowed time to just be how you need to be this Christmas. My grandma died in April and Christmas was always her favourite time of year so I will be lighting candles for them both on Christmas Eve. xxx
Such a gorgeous tree, I love all the decorations that really mean something to you all- we have those star of wonder decorations too 🙂
Must have taken so much from you to be bale to get this up this year.
When we got our tree up earlier in the month, Sam was memorised by the lights, and I instantly thought of Matilda, she will be in a lot of peoples thoughts this Christmas xx
You are helping us all to understand. Thank you.
Oh Jennie, your strength for Esther and William is truly amazing, your your tree is beautiful xx
Your tree looks lovely and I can not begin to imagine how much courage and strength than must have taken. In your pictures I see MM on the snowman’s headphones, bottom left of the third lot of pictures. I will make and hang a star today in memory of Matilda Mae.
Jennie, your tree is beautiful. I am so very sorry that your poor heart is so broken. I so wish it wasn’t so. Esther and William and Tilda have a very special and wonderful mummy. Lots and lots of love, Ruth.xxxx
A beautiful tree that shines with love and courage. Thinking of you xx
I for one am glad you have the Esther and William, a reason to get up, a reason to carry on, a reason to smile, a reason to put up a tree, as I am sure in some weird way it will be helping.
They will in an unconscious way be helping, and the tree and all it signifies is beautiful – just as you are.
Your poems move me to tears, one day, just one day they may help somebody else through a difficult time.
HUGE hugs to you all