Our Tilda Tree

This year Christmas is hitting hard.

Nothing can be the same.

Not when a baby has died.

Everything is different.

It has to be.

For my sanity.

Nothing can be the same.

Last year Tilda loved the tree.

People tell me to think of the good times

Our happy times with Tilda

Do you know what happens when I do that?

My heart breaks all over again

It is like someone is clawing at the insides of my mind

Wrenching my soul from my broken body

It is far too soon to think like that

Those memories are not comforting yet

It is all too soon

Being without her is still too new

She has not just gone away

She died

What use to us are the memories?

They just cause us even more pain.

We are not just grieving the daughter we miss

But for our old lives that died with her

Nothing can ever be the same again

So as you swig your wine and sip your sherry this year

Spare a thought for those whose hearts are breaking

Those who can no longer sing the carols they love

Without crying for the baby they’ve lost

Those who feel stabbed by every star

Blinded by every light

Those who have a part of them missing

Have the very heart of them missing

Those who are carrying on as best they can

For the children who rely on them

To create the magic of the season

For those who cry knowing for every present ripped open

There is one that was never bought or wrapped

Those who cannot answer the question

What would you like for Christmas this year

Because no one on this earth

Can ever give me the one thing I want

This year we will get through Christmas

It will not be easy, it will not be fun

And as we remember last year

We will not smile

We will cry

Because she is not here

This year or next

She will never have Christmas with her children

Our grandchildren

That can never be

We are mourning our 9 month old baby daughter

And all that she will never be

So this Christmas

We will not be merry

Or happy

Or thankful

We will be all that we can be

But it won’t come close to that

But we go through the motions

Because Esther and William deserve so much more

So much more than they have had or we can give

But we do the best we can

We have lights and stars and decorations

And finally

At last

We have our tree

Our Tilda tree

Our memory tree

A tree started anew this year

Adorned with lights and stars

And memories

I have not used any of our standard baubles this year

Only the things that mean something special

Stars for beautiful Matilda Mae

Bells to ring to make sure the angels are given their wings

Penguins and snowmen for our beautiful two

Angels and fairies for Esther

Trains for William, our boy

Every little thing on our tree

Is significant, special

Each year we will add something new

For Esther

For William

For Tilda too

Because Christmas is a time for Tilda

And this will forever be

Our Tilda tree

14 thoughts on “Our Tilda Tree

  1. Your words are so moving Jennie. So strong, powerful, I hear your pain although I can’t say I understandas thst would be patroniding. I am here though, I am reading this, feeling the tears and thinking about angels. Xxxx

  2. Your tree is beautiful Jennie and you are a strong mummy to get up each morning and try to carry on. Your heart is broken and your love for everything is lost. Hide away this Christmas with your husband and the twins and just grieve and take time to be silent. You should be thinking of yourself because this year there is no celebration for you. How can there be? I can hear your pain and your anger in this post and I know that each day is getting harder for you to cope. I hope the counselling will help you in some small way Jennie. Take care of yourself and thinking of your always x

  3. Hi Jennie,

    I hope there’ll be a Christmas someday where the good memories will be a comfort. Until then, I really admire you for making such a tremendous effort for your children.
    I love the idea of having only significant things on the tree and adding something new each year, we do the same.
    My best wishes during this difficult time xxx

  4. Dear Jennie,
    We sang for Matilda Mae at funtrain yesterday. We held up our stars and thought of her with tears in our eyes but smiles on our faces.

  5. This year decorating our tree has been different too. I keep thinking of the photo you posted on Facebookasr year, of Matilda’s Christmas sensory box. And the picture with the lights. Our star lights are new this year and very precious. Our lite tree has it’s angel wings and we are all thinking of you. We have a star shaped candle to light on Christmas Eve when I know your heart will be breaking once more. Remember that if there is ever anything I can do I will do it. Always.
    Xxxx

  6. Oh my goodness, you did it. When I saw your tree it took my breath away and I just thought, Oh my God she did it!” and then I cried. I can’t even begin to describe how highly I think of you for doing that tree for Tilda and Esther and William, and doing it so beautifully, and I can’t imagine how much strength it took to do it. It’s perfect. Our tree has about three times the number of stars on it as last year… and like your wonderful friend ghostwritermummy, every time I turn on the lights on our mantlepiece I picture that photo of Tilda with her lights. I promise, Tilda will be thought of a lot more than once in our house this Christmas. Sending you all the love and strength imaginable. Will be online this Christmas if you need us… any time of the day or night (my phone will beep if I get a FB update)…xxx

  7. Oh Jennie – it is a thing of beauty, just like Matilda. How much strength you must have to make such a beautiful tree for Esther, William and Tilda and with so many precious memories. I hope one day the memories of your happy times will fill your heart with warmth but until then, I hope that you get plenty of hugs from your family and are allowed time to just be how you need to be this Christmas. My grandma died in April and Christmas was always her favourite time of year so I will be lighting candles for them both on Christmas Eve. xxx

  8. Such a gorgeous tree, I love all the decorations that really mean something to you all- we have those star of wonder decorations too 🙂

    Must have taken so much from you to be bale to get this up this year.

    When we got our tree up earlier in the month, Sam was memorised by the lights, and I instantly thought of Matilda, she will be in a lot of peoples thoughts this Christmas xx

  9. Your tree looks lovely and I can not begin to imagine how much courage and strength than must have taken. In your pictures I see MM on the snowman’s headphones, bottom left of the third lot of pictures. I will make and hang a star today in memory of Matilda Mae.

  10. I for one am glad you have the Esther and William, a reason to get up, a reason to carry on, a reason to smile, a reason to put up a tree, as I am sure in some weird way it will be helping.
    They will in an unconscious way be helping, and the tree and all it signifies is beautiful – just as you are.
    Your poems move me to tears, one day, just one day they may help somebody else through a difficult time.
    HUGE hugs to you all

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