High Low

After every high

Big or small

These days

Comes a crashing

Crushing

Low

My daughter has been dead for 10 months

And I am not coping very well

I can smile just about

I can get through each day

I might laugh at your jokes

Attend functions and parties

But there is not a moment

Of any single day

That my heart is not breaking inside

That anger and rage is not coursing through my veins

I want to shout at so many people

Who just seem to forget

It has been no time at all since our baby died

It is not something that you get over

It is not something that gets better

And it poisons everything that you do

Because she is not there

And she should be

She is not where she should be

We are no longer how we should be

Things will never ever be normal for us again

And all the things we do for others

Cost us

Cost us dear

Even for Esther and William

At the end of a day made magical for them

I am physically and emotionally exhausted

The nightmares are more vivid

The insomnia more fierce

The panic attacks more frequent

More difficult to control and overcome

It is not getting easier

Or better

In some ways the worst is yet to come

As we relive our last days with her

And those earliest hours without

As we try to get through Christmas without our baby girl

We would have made so much more of her first Christmas

If we had known it would be her last

How would you suggest getting through the festivities when your baby has recently died?

I can’t make any sense of the world anymore

I find it hard to understand how little people understand how we feel

I feel like screaming

Shouting

Yelling

Raging

Our baby is dead!

She is dead!

Just like I did the night that she died

Over and over and over and over

Hysterical screaming

Inability to comprehend

Yet stating the fact

She is dead!

I can still hear myself

And it frightens me

The physical pain of missing her

Every single day

Frightens me

How much I am missing of Esther and William’s life

Every single day

Frightens me

Today I have admitted to myself

Something I have always known

I cannot do this on my own

I need help

Professional help

Someone to talk to

Who can tell me

Honestly

That everything I am feeling is okay

That hurting like this is okay

That the anger and the pain is okay

That I am grieving

But also to tell me how to live with my grief

In a way that lets me function as a person

As a wife and a mother and a friend

How to drive my car without having a panic attack

How to live in my house without feeling hatred for everything in it

How to like myself again and believe in me

How to be a good mother to my living children

I think I have forgotten how

How to live with Matilda gone

It is not easy

It does not get better

It is heartbreakingly

Glass shatteringly

Bone crushingly

Hard

And I cannot do it on my own

I can speak at The House of Commons

But only through tears and piercing pain

I can attend an event at a palace

But I cannot rest once I am home

I can make my children laugh and smile

But the pain of the one not there is magnified all the more

With every single measurable high
Comes a crashing

Crushing

Low

My daughter has been dead for 10 months

And I am not coping

19 thoughts on “High Low

  1. I’m so sorry Jennie. It’s okay to feel this way, how could anyone expect you to get over it? Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find solutions quickly. Just getting through each day is an achievement. But I hope you find the help you need soon. And I hope it makes a difference. It’s horrible to see you in so much pain. I don’t have any solutions but I’m here and I always will be. Sending you so much love xxxx

  2. Yes, Jennie… yes yes yes, help is where it’s at now. It’s Time. Love love love love love you. x x x x x x

  3. Must be so so hard for you, can’t even imagine. Your feelings sound totally normal to me. Praying that the help you are seeking might help you find a little peace xx

  4. I’m so sorry Jennie, I wish more that anything that I could say something that would help. Your feelings sound normal, justified and okay. I really hope you find someone to talk to that helps and gives you what you need xx Thinking of you xx

  5. I know how hard it has been to reach this realisation but I am so relieved that you got there. I hate hate hate everything that has happened to you but I know that you are no ready to seek help from elsewhere and to find a way at least to function in a way that is acceptable to you. If there is anything I can do, as usual, please let me know
    xxxxx

  6. I’m glad you are going to speak to someone and get some help. It must seem like only yest it all happened, it certainly feels like time has stood still since. She was your world and you can’t just stop and move on. Big big hugs xx x

  7. It IS OK to be feeling what you’re feeling. You’re not ‘supposed’ to have got over it. It isn’t ‘supposed’ to be getting better. I don’t see how there can be a ‘supposed’ about life after the death of a child.
    I know how much you wanted to work through this yourself but I’m so relieved you’ve decided to talk to a professional. I really hope they can help you find a way to life you life. Sending you much love, hugs and strength as always xxxxxx

  8. Jennie I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your beautiful little girl. I wish I had something useful to say but I didn’t want to just read and not let you know you’re in my thoughts. How you are feeling is I am sure quite normal but I am glad you are going to speak to someone. It’s something only you can decide to do when the time is right for you. Sending lots of love and hugs xxxxxx

  9. I think seeking help is absolutely the right thing to do now. It can’t change the fact that you have lost your beautiful daughter, but if it can equip you with ways of coping in the days and weeks and years ahead – it will be worth its weight in gold. How could you ever be expected to be able to deal with this on your own? Thinking of you and sending love xx

  10. A heartbreaking, honest post written from a broken heart. I think speaking to someone will help you to find ways to cope each day. I cried when I read this post this morning. I am so sorry Jennie and if there is any way I can help – maybe to raise some money to you could get professional help straight away from a private counsellor – I would love to help in some small. Take care of yourself strong mummy x

  11. Great Idea from Fiona, let us know if there is anyway to help to raise money to get immediate help for you. Waiting lists can be quite long depending on your local GP etc. Seeking help is the right thing to do at the time you are ready for it. x

  12. We are thinking of you, always and cannot imagine how horrendous life is, existing without Matilda Maw-before I got to you saying you are now ready for help and support, I was going to offer the same. Having someone who can help you find strength, someone outside will give you the tools to cope. Sending huge love, always xxx

  13. Hi Jennie,
    While it’s not for the same thing at all, I’ve been through PTSD myself and used to suffer with many of the symptoms you’ve described. I know how difficult just admitting that you need help is so good for you for taking a step towards getting the support you need. Unfortunately the cause of PTSD rarely stops being painful but the symptoms can get a lot better.

    Good luck to you x

  14. Jennie – I wish there was more I could do than write a few words. I truly do think of you all and Matilda every day as I have done since the 2nd February. You are such an incredibly strong woman and I really do admire what you are doing to raise money and awareness for the cruel evil that is SIDS. I hope you do not have to wait long to get professional help so that you can focus on you and your needs. Matilda has a place in so many people’s hearts. With virtual hugs and much love, Eleanor xx

  15. This so heart breakingly, searingly honest – just a taste of the unimaginable agony you are going through. I think you are right – it is time for you to have your space where it is all and only about you and how you feel. Finding Baby Tilda as you did would be traumatic for a person who didn’t even know her,let alone her parents – and your feelings, the panic attacks etc do sound like PTSD. I hope you find the right person to help you with all of this, whilst what we all REALLY wish for is that you could have your beautiful daughter back with you. Big hugs xx

  16. Jennie, it is an incredibly hard path you are forced to walk. I hope you find who you seek, someone to help guide you along this path and help answer some of your questions.

  17. Oh Jenny. Well done for taking this huge step today. Admitting to yourself that you are not coping is a huge, huge thing and sometimes even that realisation can make you feel worse to begin with but it is the start of you being able to rebuild things. It is true, you will never ever get over the loss of Matilda, I know you wouldn’t want to either but you can learn how to live with that loss, you can start to rebuild your life, with help and time xxxxxxxxxxx

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