I am really struggling with Christmas coming up.
It hurts so much that Tilda is not here.
She would have adored Christmas this year.
Having my daughter ripped from my life
Has for me ripped the heart out of everything
I do not really enjoy anything anymore
I do a damn good job of pretending otherwise
But mostly I hate my life
Nothing feels right anymore
And I try so hard to carry on
But sometimes I just want to scream out loud
That I am not okay
This is not okay
And for me it never will be
I am not dreaming of a white Christmas this year
I have no hope of a merry one
Or of a happy new year
I am dreading the end of the year
More than any words can sanely explain
This Christmas
This advent
This season of festivity
I want to remember my daughter
My beautiful Matilda Mae
I am going to see her in all we do
She is going to be missing everywhere that we go
Too few presents
Too few places at the table
Too few children, grandchildren, cousins and friends
She is missing from me
She is me
She was
I cannot think of a way to get through Christmas without her
It is so unreasonably cruel and unfair
And I know I have other children
Don’t you think I know!
They have many many Christmases ahead for them
This one for me has to be at least partly for her
Baby Tilda
Matilda Mae
This Christmas I have a dream for her garden
For Baby Tilda’s garden
But it seems that a dream it will stay
So
If there is any way of reading up in heaven
Then this Matilda Mae
Is what I would have liked your garden to be like this Christmas
I love you x
I want to decorate your garden
With twinkling jewels from the sky
Bathe your place in starlight
Magic twinkles from on high
I want to fill it with characters
To make your siblings smile
So that they can have their happy Christmas
And can be distracted when I cry for a while
Figures to look at, to talk to
To be with as you are not here
A collection of festive symbols
A gathering of light and love
To show that one very special baby
Is not home for Christmas but in heaven above
I can never make life right again
Things will always be a miss
But on feasts. festivals and gatherings
Baby Tilda I can do this
And I know that these are all material things
But for me they mean something
And they are all I have
Or do not have as the case may be
You have, and always will have, three children so Christmas will always be for Tilda too. You shouldn’t have anyone say otherwise or make you feel bad for thinking this way (if I’m reading this post right). No-one has the right to tell you how to grieve for your beautiful baby girl. No-one. My heart aches for what you are going through and what you have to face. I wish I could find the words to ease you pain but I know that no-one can ever do that. Just know that I am always thinking of you and Tilda. Sending love, always xx
Jennie, your Miss is one none of us can feel for you.
But your wish to fill her garden, Matilda Mae’s with things, can come true, let us send some items, I would happily send some lights or a figure to adorn the garden and to as you say distract her siblings, whilst you have a cry.
Or let us send some pennies, we can’t change things, but we can help to make this wish come true this time.
Much love and hope the little box I gave you on the Welly walk was OK and something you could add to her garden even x
Tilda, you are so missed right now (and always). You leave such a gaping hole in your family this year. And you are so, so missed and so, SO loved.
I second the comment from Sadie, above. If there’s anything we can do to make this dream of Tilda’s garden come true, please PLEASE tell us what because we want to do anything, any tiny little thing that will do almost nothing to take away your pain.. yet ALMOST nothing is so much better than nothing and for us totally worth it. Would love to help put into action some of these ideas… Christmas is still a month away and reindeer and lights we can do! We just need to organise ourselves… and I know noone better at organising than you! Organise US and watch us jump… 😉 xxxxxxxxx
Tilda’s garden is like life at the moment. Uncertain, unfinished, not quite right and perhaps it will never be just so. But there is no doubt that every speck of soil in that garden is filled with love and the plants grow because of you. I don’t think you will ever get the garden just right. There wil always be something you want to do or say and someone so very special missing. Nobody will tell you it is wrong to remember baby Tilda at any time but knowing how much she loved Christmas last year, and how close you now are to her final weeks.. Who will blame you for struggling? I cannot do or say anything to make it better but I can be there for you to cry and to grieve. Sending so much love. See you next week xxxxx
Dear Jennie. My heart breaks for you. Its really worrying that you say you hate your life most of the time. I don’t know if you are having counselling or will in the future but it sounds like it would be good for you to speak completely truthfully to somebody. You have also suffered miscarriage recently and this will also be affecting your mind and hormones – you might have brushed this under the carpet like so many of us do and have done. I hope you can find the strength to be gentle to yourself. I don’t know you but your words touch my heart. I wish you peace and strength.
I cannot imagine how hard this time of year must be after loosing someone, especially a child, especially the 1st Christmas without her. I hope that you manage to take some time for yourself to be with Tilda this Christmas, and hope you manage to at least get some twinkly star lights for Tilda’s garden. xx
(((xXx)))
I cant even begin to express how sad I feel for you facing your first Christmas without Matilda Mae and knowing that every Christmas will be without her. If there is anything we can do to help please ask – I know I am miles away but please let me have your address and I will try and find a special thing for the garden to send. I love that photo of her with the Christmas tree. That star decoration says it all ‘star of wonder, star of light’ so beautifully pertinent. Praying for some moments of happiness and peace in the weeks ahead for you. xxxxxxxx
The thought and reality of Christmas must be heartbreaking without Matilda. I’m so sorry. I want to echo what the lady above me said – that somehow in the coming weeks you will find some moments (however brief or fleeting) of happiness xx
I think you need to give yourself permission to make it as much about Tilda as you need to, this year and every year. She will always be part of your family. As long as Esther and William are happy – and I know you will plan everything perfectly so that they will be, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Sending you so much love xxxxx
Jennie, I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now I stumbled upon it from something mentioned on Mummyography blog. My heart truely goes out to you and how you are feeling, since reading the last few blog posts you have been very much in my thoughts and prayers. I gave birth to my daughter in February this year and I looked into the option of using a doula, in the end I did not use one as I had a planned section. But the lady who I interviewed and would have used was a lady called Mary Turner and she lives in Malvern Worcestershire. I found her from the doula uk website and just before last Christmas met with her to see if we ‘were a got fit’. As well as being a doula she is a councillor and therapist with special expertise in dealing with death and in particular the loss of a child. She has a website Mary Turner. Org. I think it really may help you to talk to someone about your feelings, the panic attacks and grief you feel. I don’t wish to interfer or pass judgement in any way but I want to reach out and help you.
On a very different tack I have read some of the posts about Ester and William and the fact that you feel that they are too young to be starting school at 5 particularly as they were premature. I too have concerns about sending my daughter to school at 5 and in particular making children do SATS at 7, pushing them through the machine that is the state education system. Whilst both my parents were state teachers, my mother in primary and my father in secondary and laterly a college they chose to educate my sister at a Steiner school. This was done for a range of reasons and my sister now has 6 children all of whom go to a Steiner school and my husband and I will be sending our daughter there. Steiner schools sit outside the national curriculum and they place great focus on children enjoying their childhood and learning through play and experience rather than formal mechanisms. They do not teach reading or writing till age 7, they learn to express themselves through art, imaginative play and music. They do not attend a full 5 days at school till age 8 and the schools are very flexible about when each child starts and it does not have to be until the parents feel it is right for that child, they very much believe that children are individual and need to be treated as such. All my sisters children seem very happy in a Steiner school and they are all extremely articulate little people, I already take my daughter to a family afternoon at the school one afternoon a week. Steiners philosophy is about encouraging children’s imagination, they use wooden toys, neutral modelling clay and lots of natural elements to build the childrens imagination and creativity rather than giving lots of plastic toys which have all the imagining done for the child. The sentiments of Steiner education seem to me to resonate with a number of the values that you have expressed in your blog posts. There is one in Cantebury and whilst they are private schools they are significantly cheaper than most and will always work with you on finances as they do not believe that money should ever preclude a child from a Stener education. I do hope that you don’t mind my long post and ‘what’ I have written but I felt compelled to reach out to you. Take care Helen x
Darling I was just thinking of you today as I was making preparations for the festive season. You are so right to make a lovely Christmas garden for all 3 of your babies. Much love H x
Jennie no words i can say can take your pain away. What you want for Tildas Garden sounds beautiful i know i am miles away but if there is anything i can do for you to get Tilda’s garden how you would like it please let me know. xx