Panic, Flashback and Hurting Inside

I am really struggling today.

Just sat here in rivers of tears

Laboured breathing

Heavy heart

Aching limbs

Total hopelessness .

I am not sleeping very well.

We are still sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the lounge.

David is entering his busiest time of the year and so sleeping less and working til the early hours.

I am going to bed and just lying awake.

The same thing happens every night as has always happened since Tilda died.

Flashbacks to finding her

The horror, the fear, the heartache

The darkness

The cold

Going over and over what happened and wondering what I could have done differently

Should have done differently

To still have her here

Wondering if coroners are allowed to lie to protect the parents from blaming themselves

Missing her burns me, sears me, pierces me

The pain of missing her

Of having made it through another day

Of being another day further away from when I last held my daughter

My darling baby girl.

Every night is always the same

Some nights sleep comes more easily

Recently I am taking ages to fall asleep

And when I do it is a tangle of restlessness

Guilt and horror rule my dreams

Pain and fear and pulsating panic

Waiting for when I wake

And before I know it, it is morning

And the cycle begins all over again

Knowing that the minute I lie down

The nightmares will start again.

The cusp between awake and sleep is bad

But it is not the worst

The panic attacks during the day are the worst

They seem to come from nowhere

A blow to the chest

A punch to the stomach

Being gripped in the tightest vice

They physically hurt and leave me emotionally exhausted and teary

And they are brought on by any small change in routine

Driving makes my heart race

The preschool run I hate

I wonder about keeping Esther and William at home with me

But they like school and I need some time for me

I crave that time for me

I know I am feeling worse at the moment

With Christmas on the horizon

I swing from wanting to keep busy and make the festivities as magical as they can possibly be

To wanting to hide from the world and not surface again until March

For after Christmas comes new year and then Tilda’s anniversaries and then comes new babies, not for me

Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up

When I am panicked I am irrational

I am horrible to David and to the children

But the person I am hurting most is me

Because when I am like that on the outside

It is already too late

The damage to me all done

I am falling apart on the inside

Tearing myself into jaggedy shreds on the inside

And by the time it is noticeable to others

I have been punishing myself a good while

Hurting and screaming and raging within

Desperate for help but not knowing what I need

Or how to begin to ask

What can possible help me?

Apart from having Tilda back which can never ever be

And then when I can take no more

I end up like this

A weak scrumpled pile of patheticness

Utter sadness and despair

Collapsed on the living room floor

In agonising silence

Wishing I had somewhere peaceful to sleep

25 thoughts on “Panic, Flashback and Hurting Inside

  1. Jennie, I can not imagine the heartache you live with every day, but talking has to be a good thing – whether that’s in person or in writing. You have to let it ut, whether it’s shouting, crying, even smiling, when you remember the happier times. I would imagine that how you are feeling today is totally normal, totally justified. You are doing wonderful things to make sure that no one forgets your little star, which helps a lot of people today and in the future. But I’m sure that all this, must make you even more exhausted. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you have two wonderful little people who are physically with you, and one who will always be in your heart – no one can remove her from there.
    I’m not sure that writing this helps you at all, but I hope it does x

  2. Jenny,

    My heart breaks for you. Everyone else seems to move on but you’re reliving the moment over and over. This isn’t sustainable (as your body is already telling you).

    Have you been offered bereavement counselling? Has your GP been sympathetic? Before you torture yourself until you are ill you have to seek some professional advice. (I apologise in advance if you have already done so).

    Your little ones need their mummy and you need to feel better without guilt.

    xxxxxxx

  3. Oh Jennie, my heart literally aches for you everyday. I can’t even begin to imagine the unbearable pain in your heart right now and I hope I never have to experience anything like it. I just wish there was something I could do. I’m sorry for being a rubbish friend. I’m struggling right now but not even a million times near where you are. I hate myself right now. Really HATE myself.
    Sending you a heap of hugs until I can give you a real one again xx

  4. Hi Jennie, I have been following your story and always want to say something but can never quite find the words. I am so, so sorry that you or anyone has to go through this. You seem to be an amazing woman and mother. I hope that writing helps a little bit, and that knowing that so many others care and wish things were different is a small drop of comfort in your sea of despair. I’m sure people telling you not to feel guilty is pointless but you shouldn’t. You should be proud of yourself for giving your beautiful baby girl such a lovely life and for doing such wonderful things in her memory.

  5. Huge hugs to you. I hope they help but realise that it’s a mere drop in the ocean compared to what you are suffering. Why is life so so unfair?

    Have you ever heard from your doctor about counselling? I wonder if meditation might help with your breathing if you are having a panic attack? I’m not trying to detract from what you are going through, just hoping you are getting some help because you are not super woman xxx

  6. Coroners are absolutely not allowed to (or inclined to) lie, if they did the same mistakes would be repeated over and over again. There was nothing you could have done differently, you did everything right. You filled her life with love, happiness and security. There is so much love for Tilda in everything that you do, and that love is all that she knew.
    I second Charlotte’s suggestion about contacting your doctor, panic attacks are almost impossible to get a handle on without outside help, and some support outside of family might feel less pressurised. xx

  7. You are not a pile of patheticness … you are someone going through a terrible horrible time … know you’re being thought of and loved from across the country by people that have met and never met you and that you and Tilda fill many hearts … but as the lady above said, you might find it helps talking to someone trained in counselling support, I don’t know if you’ve spoken to anybody at all … I didn’t want to do that when I had a miscarriage or after my partner died as it felt too real but in the end a friend just put me in the car and took me to a counsillor and it really did help dull the grotesque pain and bought me closer to feeling some peace … it didn’t diminish or tarnish the memory at all but somehow made it more tolerable … but you are NOT a pile of patheticness …

  8. I wish I could just get on the train and come over,
    I want to hug you, support you, talk and listen to you.
    I want to entertain the children while you have some time to yourself.
    You are amazing & I have ideas,
    Your baby will never be forgotten, I and so many others will make sure of that.
    Matilda Mae, Tilda, baby Tilda, your blog baby’s name is spoken every day and will continue to be.

    Soon we will have some time to talk,laugh and cry together,
    Until then you are in my heart,mind and prayers.

  9. I cannot imagine what you are going through and this post broke my heart. To think you fight this fight everyday…I know Tilda will be wanting her Mummy to sleep. To rest. You need it to keep being the amazing Mum you are to your children. I hope you can find peace soon, because my goodness hunny, you need it. xx

  10. Oh my goodness Jenny, be kind to yourself…you have lost a baby and still so recently. I know with the year changing it might seem like a long time but its still so raw.

    You are allowed to be a mess. Its okay. Its okay to not be coping. Its almost as it should be. No-one could suffer such a tragedy and just carry on.

    `I remember a line from a film…i think it was sleepless in seattle..where tom Hanks says…

    “im going to breathe in and out all day long and one day, maybe i wont have to remind myself to breath in and out all day long’

    Maybe that is just where you are right now at this moment, and actually being able to do that is what you are doing best..right now.in the middle of such grief.

    Go easy on your self.

    xx

  11. My heart aches thinking of your pain. You are not pathetic and I hope you can get some help and support to help you through all this.

    x

  12. My heart breaks for you Jennie. You are not pathetic, you are not irrational – you are grieving for your child- something no parent should ever have to do. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself. xx

  13. Oh Jennie, just to echo what everyone else is saying. You are not pathetic, you have been through so much this year, losing Matilda and having a miscarriage, but still being a wonderful mother to your gorgeous twins. Please be kind to yourself, and please do consider outside help if you haven’t already. My heart is breaking for you, sending lots of love and hugs. X

  14. Jennie, I’m so so sorry xxx I wish I could come right now and help you, give you a hug, play with your children (well not right now, I’m sure they are in bed, unlike mine who are rampaging around the house at 9pm!), do the pre-school run in the morning, make you some tea, wash the dishes or something useful. Rambling comments are a poor substitute, but at least you know I’m here. Lots of love xxxxx

  15. You are not pathetic or irrational. Not one bit. Could counselling help? I don’t mean to fix anything, but just having someone to talk to who is there to do nothing but listen and give their support? My heart aches for you and I know that doesn’t help at all. You’ve had the worst year I can possibly imagine and it hurts me every day that not one of us has the power to make that better xx

  16. I don’t know what to say but I had to say something after reading such a heartfelt post, you are a wonderful, brave women who is bound to have hard times after going through such a tragedy, please don’t be so hard on yourself. I know it’s easier said than done.

  17. Oh Jennie, what can I say that hasn’t already been said… my heart breaks for you every day and I wrack my brains to try to find a way, a means, to try to make things better for you, but of course there is nothing I can do or say that can change the heartbreak. I only wish there was. Thinking of you and your precious baby Tilda every day and praying for peace for the both of you. Always here any time you want to meet or talk or cry or anything… xx

  18. I can’t imagine how you feel, there’s nothing worse. But you are being so strong, it is going to hurt everyday but you have 2 other beautiful babies to look after who need you strong and happy. Have you had counselling? It’s worth a try! xx

  19. Jennie, I am so sorry I missed this. I am so so sorry I cannot bring Tilda back. I am sorry nothing I say here will make it any better. But know this, YOU are fantastic mother to Esther & William, they adore you. This time of year was always going to be difficult, but know that you are surrounded by friends & family who love you very much, and know that in any hour of need we are here to shout at, scream at, cry at, any thing you need us for. We will all still stand beside you, hold you up and help you all as a family get through this together. I am only around the corner lovely lady, anything you need, day or night, I hope you know you can call on me. x

  20. Oh Jennie, I don’t know what to say, as I am sure my words won’t really help. But please know you are not pathetic, you are grieving you beautiful girl, this time of year my be especially hard. Thinking of you xx

  21. Jennie i cant imagine what you are going through and although i know no words will help you. You are an amazing mother to Esther and William

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