When we decided to have a baby I assumed that we just would fall pregnant
I did not think it would take months of investigations, drugs and procedures to conceive
When we got pregnant I just assumed if I followed the rules I would carry my twins to term
I did not think that I would get sick, nearly die, nearly lose my babies before they were born
When I thought about delivering my twins I assumed that it would be a planned caesarean section
Babies delivered into our arms
I did not think they would be born at 27 weeks, hooked up to machines and laid all alone in a plastic box
When I imagined being a mummy
I imagined sleepy cuddles, beaming smiles, the four of us together at home
I did not think we would leave the hospital alone
Leaving our babies fighting for their lives
When I watched my preemies
Have procedures and tests
Have their breathing controlled by machines
I wondered if they would ever come home
When my tiny twins were allowed to come home
I wondered how long they’d survive
As they grew older and stronger
I allowed myself to begin to believe
I assumed that we were all going to be alright
When I was breastfeeding premature one year old twins
I did not think I could fall pregnant
Matilda was miraculously conceived
When I imagined the perfect pregnancy
It came with Matilda Mae
When I pictured my perfect water birth
It happened with Matilda Mae
When I was mother to three small children
I expected it to stay that way
When I gave birth to my full term baby
I never ever expected her to die
As each month passed and she grew more beautiful and strong
I did not ever have reason to think she might die
But she did
When you have a traumatic premature birth and your babies have to go to NICU
You assume that the worst has happened
I assumed the worst had happened
Never ever assume
Make the most of every moment
Be grateful for every milestone
Some families will never have that day
Because of you, I remind myself to make the most of every day, even the challenging hard ones. Sending love xxx
I try to remember your words but it is so easy to fall into traps where life takes over and you run on auto pilot. I’m not sure I will ever truly understand the precarious of life, even after having almost lost two of my own babies. Maybe it’s that ‘almost’. The worst has been avoided for me and so I go back to how things were… maybe. Another beautiful post and lots to think about
xxxx
So true. Sending you Lots if Good thoughts!
I thought I’d lost my son when he was born. Tomorrow, he’s going to be four years old. Every day, I’m so thankful for him being with me. This is such a thought-provoking, moving post. Thank you for writing it.
Such a beautiful post xx