I find it hard to write now about how awful Esther and William’s earliest days were.

I find it hard because they are here and they are wonderful and it is easy to forget the tough beginning that they had.

I find it hard because they are alive and their sister is not.

Losing a baby blows the pain of IVF and preterm birth out of the water, for me.

For people who have not lost their nine month old daughter I am sure prematurity is still an incredibly painful thing.

I think as the pain of losing Tilda becomes less raw, in years to come, the searing pain and paralysing fear of preterm birth and Esther and William’s first days will return albeit with a new perspective.

I am in a place now where I can feel proud of Esther and William’s beginning, their journey and all that they have and continue to achieve.

They are my little medical miracles and I am so grateful for them every single day.

I also know that Esther and William had a comparatively easy ride through NICU and SCBU, if there can be such a thing.

Now they are happy and healthy three year old twins who are a pleasure to be around.

They are very very small for their age and are not as physically developed as many of their peers. They tire easily and often have a cold. But really they are rather wonderful and I hope they will go on to make their mark on the world.

I will never forget those earliest days.

Leaving my babies alone in a box.

Seeing them fed and medicated through tubes.

Needing a machine to help them breathe.

Blood transfusion after blood transfusion.

Procedure and test after procedure and test.

I will never ever forget the wonder of holding them

Holding and hugging them for the very first time.

We were able to cuddle Esther on the second day.

She was so tiny, weighing less than her birth weight of 2lb 4oz

This tiny little being was placed in my arms

No weight at all

Face masked with a CPAP breathing tube

But she was in my arms

And it was wonderful

And I was her mummy.

We did not take photos of those very first cuddles

I really wish that we did

My first cuddle with William was a magical one

And did not come until he was 5 days old

I remember adoring him

Feeling feared of breaking him

Knowing I would love him for the rest of my days

It was lovely cuddling William, so peaceful for both of us. I love him so much. He is so tiny and fragile and worth all the world! And I am his Mummy! I am so so proud of that!

I cherished every cuddle in those early days

I had Esther out for cuddles first today. She had kangaroo care, tucked inside my shirt. She needed a bit of oxygen support mostly because she buried herself between my breasts. I was very proud that she was able to do that! We had songs and rhyme time whilst we cuddled and then once back in her incubator I read her The Princess and the Pea to settle her to sleep. When off CPAP Esther has 25% oxygen in her incubator and William has 27%.

William had his cuddle time after Esther. I fell head over heels in love with him during this time. He was looking right at me and making the cutest facial expressions. All the nurses were cooing over him and saying how handsome he is. He is getting a bit chubby now compared to what he has been. He is going to be a beautiful baby boy.

I still do.

At 4pm when Michele came I was allowed to have a cuddle with Esther. It was wonderful! I sang to her softly and she was so relaxed. Her oxygen levels were stable and her heart rate came right down. Cuddles are good, for babies and for Mums!

The one photo that we have got from SCBU, the high dependency ward, is when I first had both babies out of their incubators at the same time. The first time I had my two babies in my arms.

Our first family portrait and the first time that Esther and William cuddled each other after their birth.

So many precious hugs made memories to treasure.

Always.

Our first cuddles, first of many.

Sadly I have also experienced a last cuddle

Without knowing it was the one

Saturday 2nd February 2013

I was rather naughty

I fed and cuddled my baby to sleep

We had agreed that we would encourage her to self settle

Self soothe

But that night

I wanted the time

I fed my baby and she fell asleep in my arms

Perhaps if I had kept her there

I would be able to cuddle her today?

But that was to be our last cuddle

The last time she would feed

The last time she would need me

The last thing I would do for her

My baby Matilda Mae

Having lived in fear that each cuddle I ever had with Esther and William might be my last

I was not prepared for this

No more sleepy feeds

No more cheeky grins

No more chubby fingers kneading at my breasts

No more cuddles

With our gorgeous, healthy full term baby

Who went to bed and died

I will always cherish that last little cuddle

That milky dribbly cuddle in the dark

That final snuggle

Mummy and baby cuddle

That special last cuddle in the dark

I love you and miss you Matilda Mae

Your cuddles will stay with us all

Always x