Nine months
And still it feels like yesterday
The darkness
The silence
The horror
The pain
It hurts when you lose a baby
It physically breaks you down
And every morning the blows are fresh
And the wounds all rip open again
As you realise
A new day has dawned
And she is not here
Our beautiful daughter can never be here again
And you smile at all the people who tell you she is everywhere
You nod with all the people who tell you that you will be together again
You comfort the people who cry
And all you want to do is scream
She is gone
She is not here in rainfall or dew drops or clouds
She is dead
Her heart stopped beating
Her body stopped breathing
Our beautiful daughter died.
That is the truth of it
That you cannot escape
The grief that bites and rips and tears
At everything you say and do
Look very closely and you will see
My smiles no longer ever reach my eyes.
But what can I do?
What is there to do?
I cannot go where Tilda has gone
Though there have been times when I have thought I might try
Times when I have missed her so much that was the only thing I could think of to do
But then I feel a tiny hand in mine
Or I see a teeny hand in his
Toddler bodies nudge tighter in
Cheek to cheek, lost in time
Tearful toddler eyes meet mine
Little arms try to wrap tight around me
And I realise that I am more than mummy to Matilda Mae
I am mummy to my other children too
And for them
And for all the mummies who have worn my shoes
And for all those who have my journey still to come
For those people
For my family
And my beautiful friends
Because of them
I put on my wellies
I carried my star in my broken heart
And in our wellies we walked.
Thank you so much to Hayley, Francoise, Lucy, Heather and Michelle for letting me use their photographs.
Thank you x
I feel I dreamt about this post last night. I am so proud of you. I know you face horror each day and I wish I could take your pain away. But you’re right. You are also mummy to the twins, wife and friend. And we need you too
Xxxxx
Know that you’re still so beautiful in your grief, even if that smile never reaches your eyes, and you’re such a good, good person and we’re all so, so proud to walk with you. (I wasn’t walking, I was sitting on my ass waiting to play some Mozart to accompany the giant bubble-kisses but you know what I mean!) No one should ever have to live through what you have and do every day but I’ll never stop campaigning with you for more research, more support and more understanding.. and I’ll never stop reading your blog to learn how to be a better friend to someone in a position I can never fully understand. And I’ll never, never, never forget Matilda Mae. Love. x x x
I do not know what to say. Another beautiful post. I wish I could bring her back for you and fix your broken hearts.
In our wellies we walked for Matilda Mae.
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Oh Jennie, I so wish I could say something, that anyone could say something, better than I am thinking of you. I know it isn’t much but I am. X
These pictures say it all. The pain you face each day is unimaginable Jennie.
I am so proud of you for keeping going for all the people that need you, when all you want to do is curl up in a little ball. I am so proud of you for what you have accomplished in her memory, when you know there’s nothing you can do to bring her back. I’m especially proud of you for how brave and strong you were this weekend.
I wish there was something I could say or do that would make your pain less. But I know there isn’t. All I can do is offer my love and support whenever you need it.
Oh Jennie, I am sobbing – properly sobbing my heart out over this post. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about how it must feel and what I might do in your shoes. How you have the courage to face each day. I don’t think I could do what you’re doing. You are amazing. The world needs more beautiful people like you. I, like many others, will always be here to walk with you. Always xx
No one can truly understand your pain, unless sadly they too have been through the same.
I am sat here in tears for you.
You have to keep going, you have two little people who to them you are the world, they will and do keep you going.
You will never forget your Tilda, no matter what, she has always and will always be in your heart, which I can only imagine feels shattered into small pieces.
You have done a beautiful thing donning your welly’s, not many could do what you have.
You have some amazing people around you too, lean on them when the black times appear.
My only wish and I am sure everyone else’s is that we could ease your pain, we could take it away, but we can’t.
You posted once that you touched and held an Angel and that is how a lot of us see the most beautiful Matilda Mae, the photographs you share, will bring tears to so many.
All I can send is my love, wishing gentle times ahead x
Beautiful post, beautiful photos…I have no words for what you & your family are going through. But I know you guys are a true inspiration. Thinking of you xx
You are an amazing woman, and have an amazing family x
You are so beautiful. You must be so proud of all you achieved on Saturday. I really wish you didn’t have to walk in these shoes xx
You were so brave on Saturday, putting on a day for everyone to enjoy. I felt truly honoured to be able to take part in blowing bubbles to Tilda and I sent kisses up with them as I watched them float gracefully up to her, rainbows in each and every one of them. I may not know you personally but your words touch me and my heart breaks for you.
In our wellies we walked for Matilda Mae x
cant imagine the horror you face every day on waking. Wishing you all the courage in the world xx
Beautiful, beautiful post Jennie. I wish with all my heart we could wave a magic wand and take all the pain away for you. I really do. I don’t know how you get out of bed each day but I know you have to. Those two kiddies need you xx
What gorgeous photos. I was thinking of you all on Saturday xxx
Dear Jennie,
You were born to be a mother – there is no doubt about that and because of that your pain and sorrow runs so deep. You are a strong, inspirational mummy who has dedicated your life to being there to love, encourage and teach your children. I am so deeply sorry you lost your beautiful baby and I hope that really soon a rainbow baby finds it’s way into your strong, caring arms so that one day you can tell him or her about their beautiful big sister who left too soon but was loved so much even by those who never met her. You deserve the stars and more Jennie xxxx
Jennie I wish I knew what to say but I know there are no words. My heart breaks for you and your family. Lots of love xxxxxxx
Sending you so much love and wishing you the strength to face each day.
Hug those gorgeous twinnies tight.
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I have said this so many times before Jennie but you inspire me to be a better mother to my children. You are a wonderful woman and you have a wonderful family, and I know no one can even slightly imagine what it feels like to be you or know what your pain feels like, but there isn’t a day that has gone by where I haven’t thought about you. Baby Tilda has touched my life in a way I never even thought possible. You are so brave. You really did Matilda and all the other parents going through the same thing proud by walking in your wellies on Saturday. xx
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What an incredible day it was, when we walked in our wellies for Matilda Mae. A beautiful angel baby who will never be forgotten. How I desperately wish you were not in this heartbreaking situation… always here to listen and hug and support you xx
LOVE this post! Love the words. Love the photos. Love the LOVE that exudes from them! Love the colours. Love the CUTENESS! Love the magic! Love the stars! Love the hats! And love, love, LOVE the Wellies!!!