Esther and William have requested snack and Thomas.
So as they sit and watch Blue Mountain Mystery for their time out I am turning to my blog for mine.
I am feeling very low today.
Generally at the moment I am feeling very low.
I think it is the weight of having a dead baby inside.
Waiting to miscarry is proving to be more of a physical and emotional challenge than I thought.
I do not feel pregnant at all anymore.
But I am tired, sluggish
And I feel like my life is in limbo.
I cannot move on until my body does what it needs to do.
A week ago I was determined to wait and let nature take it’s course
But now
Now I am not so sure.
David and I want another baby.
So much.
There is nothing we can do while I am waiting to miscarry.
Everything is on hold.
I am being a rubbish mummy to Esther and William.
I have no energy or enthusiasm for games and play
I try to convince myself and them that I have
But I am not sure how convincing I am
I am losing any sense of who I am
I am so lost in my grief for Tilda
But even that is getting muddled with feelings
About this other baby
I just do not know what to do for the best
I just don’t know what to do
I feel lost
And helpless
And really alone
And everyone’s world is turning
But mine
Everyone’s life is marching on
But mine
And I go through the motions of everyday
As best I possible but can
But I am certain it is killing me inside
The pain I go through to manage a normal day
Replays in my mind all night
I cannot remember the last time I slept well
And wanted to get up in the morning
I try to carry on as normal
But things are not normal
They are far from normal
Far far from normal
I am not sure I will ever feel normal again
I smile at people and say hello
No one knows the pain and churning inside
I stand still
And everyone and everything else moves forward
I am getting left further and further behind
I feel like I am losing time
Every day I feel a little more alone
And I don’t know what to do
What would you do?
What would you do if you were me?
I really feel for you, no-one deserves any of what you have been through. I think if it were me I would have a D&C to get closure and so you can start to look forward, as this limbo must be very damaging for you.
Wishing you lots of love
Jennie I cannot possibly answer that question and I am so so sorry.
xxxxxx
How painful. I don’t know what to say but I’m so so sorry. I know the pain of miscarriage, I can only begin to imagine the tip of what you’re going through right now. Remember that this too shall pass, no matter how unbearable it seems, you will get through this. Remember all that you’ve accomplished and the people who you’ve inspired and continue to give hope to. You are surrounded with love. I still haven’t met you in person but offering another virtual hug xoxo
Oh Jennie, I want to reach out and give you a big hug. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are doing an amazing job with Esther and William, and you have come so far. You have been through more than any person should ever have to deal with, so it’s natural that you will be feeling like this. It will get better, it must do. Please know you’re not alone in this. The blogging community is behind you and here for you, when you need us. xxx
Oh Jennie, I wish I could sit on the sofa with you now and give you the biggest hug. I lost 2 babies before I was lucky enough to have Allegra and now Claudia, and it was the toughest challenge I’d ever faced getting through the pain, the heartache, the emotional turmoil and the physical turmoil too. And you are having to go through all of that while still grieving for the loss of your beautiful baby girl Matilda Mae. It is unimaginable what you have been through this year and the fact that you’re still going on any level even if you’re not firing on all cylinders is a miracle and you should feel very proud of what you achieve each and every day. When I lost both my two babies before Allegra, I thought the time would never ever come when I would hold my own baby in my arms and I was impatient and angry at everyone and everything around me and if felt unfair and unjust and I wanted to DO something but nothing could be done and the waiting game drove me demented. I still find it hard to believe that I am in the situation I am in with two healthy children of my own, I thought the day would NEVER come but it did. So I guess I’m saying this, in time, when the time is right, things will happen for you too and there’ll be nobody more deserving. You will have that baby in your arms again one day, please try to have faith that you will, and in the meantime know that while you may feel very alone, you are surrounded by people who love you and support you and pray that you will get through this and be happy again and pray for Matilda up in heaven that she is happy too.
On a practical level… I found acupuncture helped me to get pregnant and I also had it to try to stave off miscarriage when pregnant with Allegra after having had the 2 failed pregnancies before. It also helped with managing my mood and emotions. It may not be for you but I found it worked for me and gave me a lot of comfort, it also made me feel like I was actively doing something, which helped me too.
xxx
You can only do what you feel is right for you, so if that means going down the medical route to help things along then so be it. You do what you have to do and no-one else. Sending cyber ((((hugs))) xx
I can’t answer that one for you, all I can do is share my experience. My first miscarriage was a ‘silent scan’ at 9 weeks (in Florida, on holiday). I thought I was miscarrying naturally but three and a bit weeks later (and back in England) everything was still where it had been before, my body was just clinging on so tightly to that little baby I loved and lost. I had a D&C the next day. It was day surgery, in in the morning, surgery mid morning and home mid afternoon. Physically it was not a difficult recovery, emotionally I don’t need to tell you how it feels, and as that little one would have been my first I had nothing to prevent me spending a few days wallowing on the sofa with H, watching very silly tv, and trying to rebuild ourselves.
Having the D&C gave me closure and an ability to turn the focus onto getting pregnant again, and it was very much the right choice for me.
Whatever choice you make isn’t easy, but I hope you find the answer that gives you the most peace – and if you want to know any more knitty gritty about a D&C you have only to ask.
I am so very sorry to read that you are going through this. It’s utterly heartbreaking. I had an ERPC when i miscarried. The procedure was done with a spinal due to a medical problem i have so i managed to recover bery quickly. As dokn as the numbness wore off i was able to go home and start to emotionally heal. I used the Deanna plan to get pregnant again after my miscarriage. Sending you lots of love. Xxx
I can only guess at what you’re going through, and any advice I could offer would be from a far, far distance. But when I think about you I worry about the stress and hormones involved with trying to get and stay pregnant. For sure this stress is making a bad situation worse. Have you thought about adoption? It would be a baby that didn’t resemble the one you lost. It would be a process that wouldn’t involve the stress of trying to conceive … the stress of early pregnancy. The application process would keep you busy and involved. Your body and emotions would have time to heal. And very often it happens that couples who never thought they could, become pregnant when they stop trying so hard. I don’t know you. This may not be the answer for you. I just feel your anxiety and pain so strongly and feel like you need to step back and heal.
Hi Jennie, I agree that only you can really make that decision, but in the response to what would I do if it was me? I would get the medical help so my mind (and body) could have closure and begin the healing process. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You carry a huge weight and Esther and William always look so happy and you do great things with them. In a way it is a blessing they are so young. They will barely remember this time when they are older, just allow yourself the time and space to heal you need. Know that you are not alone and you inspire many of us to continue in the face of loss.
Dear Jennie,
I have read your blog for a while but never yet commented. You have so many friends and supporters, I suppose I felt what I had to say would be inconsequential. Also, I don’t have a blog ( so you don’t know me from Adam) . However, it just feels as though you are desperately reaching out for some help/guidance/support and so if what I have to say helps, well…here goes.
I am older that you at 45, my children are 19 and 16. I suffered an early miscarriage between them and was totally devastated. You feel a failure, a bad mother, barren, depressed etc etc. ( You are NOT any of these things by the way but I know it is probably what you are feeling). And you are feeling all this on top of grieving for your baby Tilda. Jennie, you need closure on this situation, you need it in order to be able to move on and to start healing. If you were my daughter, I would want you to go for a D&C and put an end to the misery of waiting for nature to take it’s course. Let someone take charge for you Jennie. The headache of trying to decide what to do is making you ill. Think about what you would advise your own daughter to do if she were in this situation? I’m sure you would want her to seek help and bring an end to it. You need to rest your mind and your body. You need to give yourself some TLC. You need to stop doubting yourself and second-guessing your decisions. You need some peace….
I hope this helps a little. If you think I am talking rubbish then just ignore. But I had to say something – you are a lovely woman, a wonderful Mum and you don’t deserve the **** life has thrown at you lately. But you will get through it all – you’ll never get over it but you will get through it and you will have a life very much worth living and loving. Lisa x
Jennie I think the comment above mine from Lisa (Which is such a caring and wonderful comment) says it all. I hope you find peace in this situation with your miscarriage as soon as you can, and I pray every single night for Baby Tilda and that you will get your rainbow baby soon. xx
Oh Jennie – I really do feel for you. From my experience having an ERPC (or D and C) was the best thing as I wanted closure and also I was desperate to start trying again due to my age. I was offered this straight away and I knew immediately I didn’t want to wait for it to happen naturally (as by the time it was discovered it had already been weeks). The not knowing when things are going to start happening would take it’s toll on anyone, let alone someone still in the deep depths of grieving. Don’t ever doubt your abilities as a mother – you are brilliant and we all have days where the telly is our best friend. You have strength beyond strength and if Tilda is there somewhere looking down, her heart will be bursting with pride that you are her mummy and she will be beaming with love for you. I hope too that David is ok.
Eleanor x
I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Been there. My ‘Poppy’ should be celebrating his/her second birthday on 11th November this year, but sadly I started bleeding at 10 weeks, went for an early scan (I’d stopped feeling pregnant, boobs stopped feeling sore etc), there was no heartbeat, but pregancy test they did said I was still pregnant. They tried to tell me that I could have got my dates wrong – they don’t know how officious I am. I had to go back 7 days later for another scan. I knew I wasn’t pregnant, every day I would pass blood, more each day. It was the most awful time in my life. We went back and they confirmed what I already new, but I still hadn’t bleed ‘enough’. Let nature take it’s course, tablet or procedure. I opted for procedure. I was mentally, physically, emotionally drained. I needed it to be over. No baby and I knew it was my last chance to give Monkey a sibling. This was goodbye to the family of four ideal I’d had in my head. My nearest hospital couldn’t fit me in, the Royal Wedding was approaching, bank holidays or something, so I was booked in 2 days later at a much bigger hospital, somewhere I didn’t really want to be. Anyway, nature took it’s course before I could do anything else. That night was the final goodbye, I was admitted to hospital for observation to ensure there was nothing else, and put on a fluid drip for the day.
I can’t tell you what to do, follow your heart, do what is the best thing for you, just for you. It is heartbreaking, and you have already endured so much.
I remember being at home the next day watching the Royal Wedding, desparately wanting to be happy, but just feeling so desolate. 2 years later and I’m crying writing this, which is certainly not going to help you, but you are not alone, sadly you are not alone xx
Firstly – have a massive cyber hug. I hope that you at least get some comfort from knowing that we are all behind you, here to hold you up and support you when you are feeling your lowest.
I hope that you manage to get some closure on this so that you can move on – it must feel so crippling being in limbo like you are xxxx
Oh Jennie, this must be so awful for you. I can only imagine that I would possibly go down the medical route should I ever be in the same situation, I think you have to feel what is right for you, to help you out of this awful limbo xx
Jennie,
No-one can tell you what is best for you, only what we would do in that situation…. As a mum who has lost a little girl through premature birth and then had to fight to keep her little boy inside long enough that he didnt die too, i know a little of what you have been through this year. If it were me I would have the procedure, so you can start to mentally heal and if you feel its right to try for your much longed for baby when you know that time is right.
You are certainly not a rubbish mum, your heart is simply broken and needs time to heal, this will happen with the love of your family, slowly, but it will happen
I only came yo your blog this week and have read all your moving posts, my heart goes out to you and you and your family are in my thoughts xxx
Jennie, I understand the pain of loss that you’re going through with the miscarriage. Twice my body let me down and left me, like you in limbo waiting to miscarry and once to give birth. I can only advise that you must make the choice yourself and the choice you make will be the right choice for you. No one can tell you what to do. My second one was over Christmas of 2011 and I ended up being induced at 20 weeks. New Years Eve will always be a painful time but you move on with help from family, friends and your children. I’m praying for you and you’re in my thoughts. God Bless xxx
My heart is breaking for you and David right now. I miscarried spontaneously without any medical intervention but I think if we had got to our scan and we had been told the news then, I might have gone for a D&C. I am not sure I would have wanted to have waited for it to happen naturally. That is my own personal feeling now. Both ways, it is utterly heartbreaking for you. And of course you are desperately missing Tilda on top of that all, trying to be the best Mummy to Esther and William, and you are. I don’t think there is any way you could be anything different to them. Your love for your whole family is evident. Please do give yourself all the time you need too, and if you need to have a TV day then so be it. Keep believing in your rainbow baby, I am praying that one day you will have him or her in your arms. Sending lots of love. Xxxxx
Hi Jennie,
I don’t know how you are managing as well as you are, I can hear that you’re suffering to the extreme on the inside but you are still managing to do a great job with your children and have plans for the future. You are truly heroic and I admire you immensely. Nobody should ever have to suffer like you are. Although it doesn’t feel like it now, this pain will make you stronger. Life will get better, it really honestly will.
Even though I already had four children I desperately wanted another but I had over ten miscarriages (stopped counting) in a row. It was very disheartening but eventually I did manage to have a lovely healthy baby boy, and then a couple of years later another.
You’ve had the worst life could possibly ever throw at you. Now things will start to get better.
Hugs xxx
I have had four missed miscarriages and each time I had an ERPC. At my very first 12 week scan, the baby only measured 8 weeks so I don’t trust my body to do what it should naturally. I always went for immediate closure and on each occasion the surgery has been straightforward with very little by way of recovery physically. Of course emotionally is another matter. There’s no right or wrong in this situation, just what is right for you and your family. If the waiting is taking its toll emotionally then perhaps you should consider the alternatives. XXX
I don’t know what I’d do Jennie, but I hope is be as amazingly strong as you are, be still a fantastic mother as you are, and still be able to carry on as you are.
Never doubt yourself or you strength for a minute lady. You are truly, truly amazing and one day, when they are much, much older and read back what you went through and how totally amazing you were, your beautiful children will say the same.
Much love Jennie.
Fi xx
I had the D&C because I could not bear to be in limbo when I was already so heartbroken. From a medical point of view it was straightforward and my normal cycle returned. Miscarriage is hellish, it is bloody and it is utterly cruel. Be selfish Jennie. After all you’ve already been through you owe yourself that xxx
Oh Jennie, I so feel for you ( and David) People above have said such beautiful things that I cannot hope to articulate better. I had 4 miscarriages before having my twins, all spontaneous. I have to say that knowing I was passing my babies, always wondering each time I went to the toilet if my baby was in that lot of blood,was just horrendous. It was also very painful physically, and the bleeding went on for a few days. given the choice I think I would go for the ERPC – it will be easier on you physically and possibly emotionally as well. But only you can make that decision. I hope and pray that you will have your rainbow baby – and I believe it will happen when the time is right.
Your little lost baby will be keeping his or her sister Baby Tilda, company in the sky now – maybe that is why this is happening,I don’t know. You are incredibly strong, no matter how you feel. I wish you well honey xx
I have just come across your blog and you are an incredible woman and such a strong woman. Remember we are all here for you. After hardship is ease.
Dear Jennie, I truly wish anyone could answer that question, certainly we all wish we could do anything at all to help. You are such an amazing mum and I feel in my heart that it is so wrong for you to have to go through all that.
In the practical side; acupuncture could help you feeling a bit better and can make things move in terms of the miscarriage. Unless you make the decision to get help from science which would probably make things happen faster and get your body ready to start over if you wish so.
Whatever decision you make, whatever you do, there is certainly a lot of people out here who are ready to give you a shoulder and hold your hand whenever you need, is just a shame most can’t really do that in person.
Just read your blog Jennie, so sorry you are going through this on top of grieving for Matilda Mae. Personally I went through 3 miscarriages last year, the last one I waited 4 weeks for and was not nice at 11/52, knowing what the end result would be after all the pain. Hope you do what is right for you and that you can start TTC as you so very much wish for. Feel so lucky as do have 27 weeker twins like you, I always wonder how you are and wish you all the best xxx
I’m so so sorry. I cant even understand why this happens, I know people say “it wasnt meant to be” etc. but it sounds so unfair. Sending you lots and lots of good thoughts and I hope you are ok at this difficult time xx
Oh dear, I just have no idea what to say, which is not like me, is it?! I think you must find a way to quiet your mind and tune in to your deepest gut instinct, but how to find the time to do that with the twins around I don’t know. It sounds like you are partly coming to a feeling of knowing the path around the corner but not being quite ready and decided to do it yet, which is a feeling that the waiting was right for you once but maybe it isn’t now. But don’t rush it if you don’t really feel ready… I have heard many, many good things about acupuncture, and although I know it’s incredibly important to find a good acupuncturist (so take a recommendation, or two) I have a feeling this could be good for you. Also, although I’m only Level 1, any time you would like some Reiki you have only to ask. I won’t ever try to get you to, because it’s only right if you are open to it and it needs to come from you, but you have only to ask, any time. Loads of love as usual.. Pah! Don’t know what to say? Me?! Obviously not! Essay as usual 😉 x x x x x xx
What an awful ordeal for you! I don’t know what to say, but we’re thinking of you all x