Friday night was The Mad Blog Awards.
I had been unsure about whether or not I should go.
I was absolutely certain that I would not win.
I was unsure as to whether I felt it appropriate or not to attend.
I worried that other people might feel it inappropriate for me to attend.
Bad enough that I had lost Baby Tilda
But I am waiting to miscarry a baby too.
I was not at all sure that I should go
But I was sharing a room with Emma and I did not want to let her down
And I wanted to meet my beautiful friend, Merry
One of very few people who really understands what it is like to be me
Meeting Merry, spending time with Merry
Was something that I could not
Would not
Miss.
I also wanted to be in a room of bloggers
People so important to me
People who mean the world to me
Though many of them I hardly know
People who have kept me alive
People who have not forgotten Baby Tilda for one moment
People who have made her little life matter.
People who are helping to build a legacy to last
Because they have taken our story, our family to their hearts.
I cannot thank everyone personally
But I hope by coming to things like this
That I find so very very hard
People know how much they mean to me
How grateful and thankful I am
For my friends that I barely know.
On the way to the awards I managed to get lost a few times
I was shopping for a bag
I had my eye on a sparkly starry bag in Accessorize
I went back to the shop three times to look at the bag
On the third time as I walked into the shop
I heard a tune I know so well
A song that breaks and lifts my heart all at once
Firework
And I knew it was a sign
From one Multiple Mummy to another
That I should buy the bag
And that I had made the right decision to go to the awards.
Thank you Kerry x
Meeting Merry was wonderful.
I cried the second she entered the room.
And I did not leave her side for the rest of the night.
It was wonderful to meet someone so strong
Someone I admire so much
A true inspiration to me
A true friend
And we talked
How we talked
And how I longed to talk more
I cannot wait to see Merry again.
So the tears began with Merry
But they did not end there
I managed to make it through the meal in one piece
But as soon the award presentations began
I knew I was going to be a mess.
So many people that I admire and look up to
Won awards
Gorgeous ladies all
As soon as I knew our category was up
The tears began to fall
And I could not stop them
I think I may have actually sobbed
As people around the room
Turned to look at me
It was the montage that introduced
Each of the 10 Outstanding Contribution Finalists
Each with their own unique story to tell
And it was Tilda
And the dawning realisation
That it does not matter what I do
What ever I ever may do
Nothing will ever bring my baby back
And yet I stared at those photos
Shown on that screen
And I saw the love between my baby and me
Laid bare for everyone in that room to see
And my heart broke all over again
Because I still feel like I can just reach out and touch her
Reach out and hold her
Which of course I can’t
I will never ever hold my baby again
And now with this miscarriage
I am terrified that I may never
Hold a baby of my own ever again
And that I cannot bear
So for me winning this award
Was bittersweet
I am so proud of all that has been achieved in Baby Tilda’s name
But I would swap it in a heartbeat
To have my daughter in my arms again
Just for one warm snuggle
One gummy grin
I would give anything for that
As the finalists in our category were called to the stage
I made it there because of one woman
As she did for me that night
What she has done from afar so many times
She held me and guided me
And made me a stronger, better version of me.
Thank you, Merry.
I stood among those wonderful women
Truly talented, kind hearted, generously spirited, committed, hard working and loving women
And I felt like maybe after all I did belong
And I was so happy when each and everyone of us was given an award
That each and every outstanding contribution was recognised
Because that was exactly as it should have been
Each story unique
Each story a powerful representation of the good that blogging can do
I was honoured to be up on that stage
I was proud of being Baby Tilda’s mum
I wished my husband could be there to see
How much our daughter means to so many people
I wish Susanne had been there
She has made so much happen in Matilda’s name
She has been an amazing friend to me
I wished that I had gotten some words out
I managed to sob a thank you
A thank you for remembering Tilda
For that night
For me
Was all about her
My beautiful daughter
Matilda Mae
Ripped from this world far far far too soon.
It felt right to me that Coombe Mill won Best Family Fun
Following on from Multiple Mummy
Another link, another sign
From one MM to another
And the final sign of the night for me
A thank you from Matilda Mae?
A sign to say that she was watching?
That she was proud?
That it was okay?
As I walked into my hotel room
For a quiet moment alone
Songbird played on the radio
An amazing night
Another wonderful magical part of Matilda’s legacy
Just look what love can do
Look what love can do!
I cannot ever bring my baby back
But I can do this.
I can do this!
Jennie, you are a beautiful woman from the inside out and it was a joy and a pleasure to be beside you. I hope we have begun a lifelong friendship. I think we have much to do together.
Remembering our babies. Xxx and well done.
You can and you did. Proud, the only word, proud x
It was an absolute pleasure to share this room full of such amazing people, which of course includes you Jennie. A wonderful, wonderful night – we all shed tears along with you. Tears of hope, tears of love, tears of what have been and what could be. Well deserved lovely lady, well deserved. Sending you my love xx
and this is what LOVE can do. Love from everyone who reads your journey, follows your blog, follows you on Twitter etc, who all share the love you have for Tilda. Not had, have. A love that is unbreakable and forever. It was a pleasure to congratulate you Jennie and I hope in one hug I gave you all the strength I have for the next horrible part of your journey. Life is too cruel sometimes but love will see you through xxxxxxx
Inspiring as always Jennie. An award more than deserved. xxxx
I am crying my eyes out reading this. No-one will ever forget Tilda and I hope you find some peace xxx
You are amazing in all you do and write. What a wonderful evening, I am so glad you came and the bitter sweet win was meant to be. You do so much for blogging, it’s lovely to see something coming back to you at the MADs. Baby Tilda will be forever with you xx
I am sat here in tears reading this Jennie. Look what love can do indeed. I stood up clapping, cheering and crying along with all ten of you on Friday night and more than anything I felt so proud to be part of such an incredible community of people. Blogging quite frankly is amazing.
I think you were so brave to attend on Friday night, even more so with what you are going through at this moment, but you were dignified and a truly deserving winner. What you are doing for charity and for Matilda’s legacy is truly inspiring- I have said it many times before but you inspire me to be a better mother. That is shown in the fact you have been a finalist for three years.
I have a post coming up tomorrow on the awards, and I have said it there, but I will say it again. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Baby Tilda, and your family. x
Congratulations Jennie, on being brave enough to go to the awards and for winning (deservedly so) the award itself. I am so very sorry that you are waiting to miscarry. And I am so very sorry that Matilda Mae was taken from you so soon, so tragically.
All I can say is – don’t give up. Keep blogging, keep talking, keep letting the tears fall. But most of all keep believing in your rainbow. My first 2 pregnancies ended in miscarriage. Then my next pregnancy ended suddenly, at full term, 4 years ago tomorrow. My little 6lb 13oz girl stopped moving, and a scan turned my world from light and joy into darkness and despair. I thought we’d never hold a living child in our arms. I thought I’d never heal from having my heart ripped out of my chest. I thought I’d never meaningfully laugh again. I wasn’t sure how much loss I could possibly endure. But I refused to give up, and I now have my two beautiful rainbows. And they really are a beacon of hope after a terrible storm. Keep writing from the heart, I love to read your blog. So honest and so moving. I completely empathise with that sickening realisation that your baby is not going to come back, whatever you do. But we do it all in their names – so whilst it won’t work miracles, it can recognise and validate what a miracle they were in the first place. Thank yo for sharing your children with us all, and sharing your raw emotions. xxx
Matilda Mae is living on in so many ways and we remember her every day Jennie. Congratulations on your award x x x
I am in tears also!! It was so hard sitting at home on Friday, knowing you were scared and emotional and not being able to talk to you or tell you it was ok. I was so so glad that Merry was there. And I knew you would win, not because Baby Tilda died, but because you deserve it so much. Look what love has done already, and what else we are yet to do!
xxxxxxxxx
Congratulations Jennie, although it probably doesn’t feel like a celebratory time for you, you are right… it is love that is doing this. You are truly an inspiration to us parents out there, I do not think I could be as strong and brave as you are. I hope one day I can meet you, it would make me very proud to say that I have and shared some of your life, if just for a moment. Keep doing what you’re doing… x
Love is making you remember, making you feel
Love is bringing you closer and keeping it real.
Love is giving you strength, making you strong
Love is supporting you when you just can’t go on.
Love is causing you heartache, sharing the tears
Love is weaving your future, for happier years.
Love is shining down on you, guiding your way
Love is holding your Tilda within you each day…
Lots of love Jennie xxx
Jennie, what a truly beautiful post form a truly beautiful person through and through. I hoped to meet you and say Hi on Friday, I never imagined I’d actually be sat at the same table as you! An inspiration to many, who captured our hearts at the awards and before….a very well deserved Outstanding Blogger Award for an Outstanding mother, woman and blogger! I just wish I’d been able to say this to you in person. Well done Jennie, Matilda Mae will live on in our hearts forever xx
Congratulations, and so well deserved. You show such strength, braver and honesty in all you write and do. Keep on keeping on. Much love. xx
Bitter sweet but there is always love. So much love.
Always remebered and never forgotten
She will always live in our hearts
Well done Jennie. You are amazing because of Matilda Mae, Esther & William and they are amazing because of you x
I’m so glad you went to the awards. I was so so proud of you all evening, knowing how hard you must have been finding it and how scared you were but that you were still there for Tilda.
I could hardly breathe as we were waiting for the winner to be announced on the live feed, even though I was so sure you were going to win. After, I was so worried for you. Knowing how bittersweet the whole evening would have been for you. I just wanted to be able to give you a big hug and tell you it was OK. I’m so glad you had Merry with you.
You really did deserve to win. You stood up with so many wonderful and inspirational woman, but it had to be you and Tilda. I know I’ve told you this many times, but you are an amazing, strong and beautiful woman. You didn’t win because your beautiful daughter died. You won because of who you are and what you do.
Look what love has done and we’re not done yet xx
Incredible post. It was an honour to share a room with you. I don’t know if I helped at all, but I tried. You deserve that award so much, for your incredible writing and sharing your soul with us all. Much love to you xxx
Oh Jennie, this is such a beautiful and heartfelt post and this is why you won. You won because of how your writing has helped so many people, how you’ve inspired so many people and all that you have done to raise money for such a worthwhile cause – all in beautiful Baby Tilda’s name.
You amaze me with your bravery each and every day and I can only aspire to be just even half the woman you are. My beautiful, strong and amazing friend. So proud. So so proud. And so so teary. Lots of love, always xx
What a beautiful post and like them all, brought more tears to my eyes. Your an inspiration and what a night you ALL had. Congrats on your award hun. Truly deserved. You CAN do this. xx
You are a brave and inspiring lady Jennie, I felt proud to be in the same room as you.
Much love x
What a great achievement and a wonderful post full of emotion. I am crying as I sit here writing this. Well done you so deserve this and so much more x
I know it was so very bitter sweet but you did it and we are all proud of you and proud to stand alongside you.
Much love
H
Congratulations on your well deserved award. You are so beautiful, so brave and so inspiring. X
So, so deserved…. many congratulations. One star is shining especially brightly for you, always! X.
Congratulations again, I love how the songs were a sign for you too, showing you that they are looking down on you. Love has done so much already xx
I’m so pleased you won. Tilda was smiling on her Mummy I am sure. Just think of all the other things love is still to do xxx
In the words of the famous Beatles song:
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game
There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made.
No one you can save that can’t be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
All you need is love. Love is all you need…
It must have been so tough for you to stand up there in the limelight, but I’m so glad you did. Properly well-deserved x
In some ways you have done it already, and yet in others you have only just begun. You were so brave to be there. Truly inspirational. And hear hear re Merry, I met her too for the first time but could see that she was a rock for you, another truly beautiful lady. I hope I meet you both again sometime soon and that I can help you in any way before then x
I’m sorry I didn’t get to talk to you properly. I hope we somehow stood with you, I hope we somehow held you as we wanted as you made those strong steps for your beautiful daughter. You are such an inspiration, amazing, beautiful and strong – Matilda Mae was so incredibly special because she has such an incredible Mummy! xx
You were so brave and so strong and so incredibly dignified on Friday Jennie. We were all willing you through it and so proud of you. Such an incredibly deserving winner. x
You are so inspiring . You deserved to win and well done for going, you CAN do anything.
x
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You did it! You are amazing. You really are xxx
Oh Jennie, you have been through so much and are still helping others so a well deserved win I think. Congratulations!!! I really do think about you and your family everyday and hope you get some good luck soon xx
You did so well Jennie, I just knew it was bittersweet for you and you would change it all in an instant if you could. MM has an awesome Mummy.
Praying for you all from afar, always Mich x
Really sobbed reading that – straight from the heart as ever. xxxx
A very belated comment, I know, but I was so pleased you felt able to attend, as I know you’re an inspiration to so many of us – not because of Matilda, but because of you, and everything you are, and do. Much love x
I can only echo what’s already been said x
So happy you won, Jennie! (Belated comment also…Haven’t been onto my emails for weeks).
God bless you, you beautiful woman!