Today I had hoped to be on my way to London
Day 1 or even 2 of our Frozen Embryo Cycle
As usual my body disappoints me
No cycle has begun
So now all the dates I have carefully plotted and planned
Fall to the wayside
As fate, life, takes its course
And all there is to do is wait.
Wait and wonder.
If our rainbow baby is ever meant to be.
And in the meantime
More and more babies are born
More and more pregnancies announced
Making my loss
My yearning
More and more painful
Like slithers, fragments, shards
Piercing my heart
Over and over again
And all the while
The guilt is growing
The more the longing
The stronger the guilt
Why for once will time not be kind
And bless us with a baby rainbow
So that one part of our healing might begin
Baby Tilda will never be replaced
No one could ever replace our beautiful star
But we want our family to grow.
I remember this time and wishing so hard that you would be kind to yourself. I know you felt guilty for wanting a rainbow baby but the guilt was just as strong as the longing. You never needed to justify that at all. You are a fabulous mother, why would you not want more?
xxxxx
Please never feel guilty about wanting to grow your beautiful family. No baby will ever replace Tilda and I have never thought for a second you are trying to. Tilda will always be your precious 3rd child xx