Funny the things you think of on the train.

I’ve been awake since 4am.

Watching the clock.

Checking the time every five minutes.

Note to Self

Set an alarm on the eve of an important morning appointment

At the station

Watching the morning rat race

Filing over the bridge

To join the London bound platform.

Mostly men I notice.

On their way to the world of work.

I realise that even with a distinct lack of sleep

It is nice to be up and out early

On a bright sunny summers morning

My hand rushes to my betrayal

The axe of betrayal strikes me

I am not wearing Tilda’s bracelet

I’ve forgotten Tilda’s star

On days like these I should be wearing it

Wearing her

Especially on days like these

I am going to London

For a mid cycle scan

An examination of my ovaries

An undignified assessment

Of my literal fitness to be a mother

An assessment

I am terrified I’ll fail

I have already failed the biggest test of parenthood

I have had a beautiful baby die.

But today is a day for positivity

I look to the future

With Tilda secure in my heart

I wish I had not forgotten her bracelet

I think I have found my new style today

It is a little Kirstie Allsop

I am wearing a flared knee length

Polka dot skirt

A cream vest

Livie and Luca pumps (of course!)

Old denim jacket

Cream and floral scarf

I think that this could be the new me

The late 30s (eek!) me I have been searching for

I am still reeling from Brit Mums

All the love for Tilda in the room

I cannot wait to see my blogging friends again

I need to focus more on life at home though

David is feeling poorly

Seems to have been going on for a week

He looks ashen, eyes sunken

Illness or grief?

A cruel combination of the two?

I am not sure we are handling our toddlers very well

There are lots of tantrums

Lots of fights

Even at preschool

The fisticuffs are becoming more frequent

Is it just the way it has to be?

With twins who are toddlers

Are two?

And if we can’t handle the children we’ve got

Are we wrong to long for more?

I cannot imagine never again holding a baby in my arms

I have not held a baby since Tilda died

The strike of that axe again

In one week Tilda will have been passed 5 months

I want to start trying again

I also want to be a better mummy

For Esther and William

A better wife than I’ve ever been

I want to sort our house out

Keep it tidy, keep it clean

I want to catch up

With all my blogging commitments

Case studies, comments, reviews

I do not have time to do them all

My family has to come first

PS) I passed the test! Fit for motherhood! Fit for an IVF cycle to begin!!