Longing After Loss (End of July 2013)

August is approaching

August is when we were going to start trying again

For another baby

Baby Number 4

My body is ready

My arms are achingly empty

Over enthusiastic toddler bear hugs are lovely

But they are just not the same

I want a baby

Longing after loss is painful

Every baby born

Every little one you see

Is a reminder that yours is gone

Every pregnancy announcement

A slap in the face

A cruel jibe

Because you are not

Your womb is cold and bare

Throw fertility problems into the mix

And longing after loss becomes torturous

Mixed with grief

It feels like hell on earth

And then there is the loneliness

Feeling lost in the dark

The guilt of wanting a baby new

When not long ago my old baby died

Trying to persuade yourself

That it is okay

That it is natural to want your family to grow

In step with the longing, the loss and the grief

Comes the missing of Baby Tilda

And the child she should have become

So much potential lost

A whole precious life ripped away

Longing, loss, grief, missing

And then along comes fear

A potent poison to add to the mix

What Ifs have a way

Of riddling your mind

Twisting your thoughts

Spiking your fears

What if we can’t get pregnant?

What if the pregnancy fails?

What if I miscarry the baby?

What if they are born?

We love them

They die?

Longing after loss

Is not easy

It is not part of healing the hurt

It just makes the road far rockier

More painful than a path any parent should tread

But the only way is forward

There is no turning back now

Baby Tilda can never come back

We can’t carry her down from the sky

But we can carry on in her memory

Fill our family with love and laughter

And do all of this

With our beautiful miracle baby

Baby Matilda Mae

In our hearts

Always

Longing after loss is not easy

It is not part of healing the hurt

It just makes the road far rockier

More painful than a path any parent should tread

More painful than a mother should bear

8 thoughts on “Longing After Loss (End of July 2013)

  1. It’s far from selfish, Jennie. In fact you are the least selfish person I’ve ever met. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. September will be over soon, although I know the change of month won’t ease the pain. Always thinking of you, more than you know. Lots of love xx

  2. It isn’t at all, in any possible way selfish. I wish you all the luck.
    You and your family are often in my thoughts. Much love and hugs xxx

  3. You have such a beautiful family, including Tilda. It’s not wrong to want to continue to grow it. Your rainbow baby when it comes, will not be a replacement for Tilda, but rather an addition to. I can only imagine how scary all the ‘what ifs’ are. You know where I am if you need me xx

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