August is approaching
August is when we were going to start trying again
For another baby
Baby Number 4
My body is ready
My arms are achingly empty
Over enthusiastic toddler bear hugs are lovely
But they are just not the same
I want a baby
Longing after loss is painful
Every baby born
Every little one you see
Is a reminder that yours is gone
Every pregnancy announcement
A slap in the face
A cruel jibe
Because you are not
Your womb is cold and bare
Throw fertility problems into the mix
And longing after loss becomes torturous
Mixed with grief
It feels like hell on earth
And then there is the loneliness
Feeling lost in the dark
The guilt of wanting a baby new
When not long ago my old baby died
Trying to persuade yourself
That it is okay
That it is natural to want your family to grow
In step with the longing, the loss and the grief
Comes the missing of Baby Tilda
And the child she should have become
So much potential lost
A whole precious life ripped away
Longing, loss, grief, missing
And then along comes fear
A potent poison to add to the mix
What Ifs have a way
Of riddling your mind
Twisting your thoughts
Spiking your fears
What if we can’t get pregnant?
What if the pregnancy fails?
What if I miscarry the baby?
What if they are born?
We love them
They die?
Longing after loss
Is not easy
It is not part of healing the hurt
It just makes the road far rockier
More painful than a path any parent should tread
But the only way is forward
There is no turning back now
Baby Tilda can never come back
We can’t carry her down from the sky
But we can carry on in her memory
Fill our family with love and laughter
And do all of this
With our beautiful miracle baby
Baby Matilda Mae
In our hearts
Always
Longing after loss is not easy
It is not part of healing the hurt
It just makes the road far rockier
More painful than a path any parent should tread
More painful than a mother should bear
It is not selfish, not at all. x
Not selfish.
Tilda will always be in your hearts. (And mine)
A new baby would never change that.
Thinking of you
xxxxxxxx
Definitely not selfish, Tilda will always be a part of you, a part of your family, a part of any new child(ren) xx
It’s far from selfish, Jennie. In fact you are the least selfish person I’ve ever met. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. September will be over soon, although I know the change of month won’t ease the pain. Always thinking of you, more than you know. Lots of love xx
I hope you get your rainbow baby and I hope you know you are not selfish in any way xxx
It isn’t at all, in any possible way selfish. I wish you all the luck.
You and your family are often in my thoughts. Much love and hugs xxx
Yes, you are not selfish. You are going through one of the most difficult things imaginable and everything you are feeling is to be expected. How can it be selfish to love so openly?
xxx
You have such a beautiful family, including Tilda. It’s not wrong to want to continue to grow it. Your rainbow baby when it comes, will not be a replacement for Tilda, but rather an addition to. I can only imagine how scary all the ‘what ifs’ are. You know where I am if you need me xx