Today I was on Radio 4, talking on Woman’s Hour to the lovely Jenni Murray and over 3 million listeners!

As when I do anything for Matilda Mae Twitter caused a storm noticed by the Radio 4 producers. Three different people, at different times, commented on the amount of support that was pouring through Twitter for Matilda Mae.

Thank you to everyone who sent a message of support this morning you made sure that though I went there alone, not once did I feel that I was on my own.

Thank you.

When I got to BBC Broadcasting House I was absolutely terrified. I must have looked awful. The producer looked quite concerned when he was talking me through the show. He asked if seeing the studio would help, I said it would and off we went for a little tour and to see the two rooms where it would all happen.

I felt even more terrified.

I was sweaty and shaky and not a very pretty sight to behold.

The people in the green room were very lovely to me. Especially a girl who I later recognised as Molly from Sherlock!! She was lovely and very funny and she was nervous too. So I knew if she was a little nervous then it was okay that I was too.

When it was just me left in the green room and I was frantically reading my notes with jittery hands, something happened.

I stopped reading and I just felt a sense of peace and calm.

Call me crazy if you will but I am certain Matilda Mae entered that room and just somehow let me know that she was there with me and I was going to be okay.

And I knew from that moment that I would do it

It was only at the moment that I definitely knew I would make it to the studio without passing out

And I did, I made it and I talked and I wobbled but I did not cry.

I am certain that my beautiful angel baby made sure that I was okay.

Once in the studio the lovely Jenni Murray put me at ease and I was ready for the show.

I was surprised at how quickly the time passed and how little I was able to say.

Doing Woman’s Hour has made me realise that I am ready to talk about Baby Tilda and The Lullaby Trust.

It is something that I want to do.

I had so much that I wanted to say today and was not able to get across even a fraction

Though I rambled on at a rate of knots

I do not speak anywhere near as well as I write!

Anyway, because I did not say all that I wanted and needed to say I have decided to write it here so that you can read it and know what was in my heart this morning as another brick was cemented into the legacy of Matilda Mae.

Thank you for listening to the show today and thank you for reading my blog.

None of what I do for Baby Tilda and The Lullaby Trust is done by me alone.

I am carried and supported by all of you.

Thank you x

Why is Your Blog Called Edspire?

The name Edspire comes from combining education and inspiration, as a primary school teacher I had planned to develop and share inspirational, educational resources.

When Esther and William were born prematurely I wrote a journal of their time in NICU. I wanted to publish the diary online for my family to read and in the hope that it would help others who had to go through a similar experience to mine. Welcome to the World Esther and William was the original title of the blog and it was hosted by WordPress.

As I blogged I began to make virtual friends and had genuine messages of kindness from random strangers. I found a community where I felt that I belonged. Blogging became my ‘me time’ when the babies were home. My blog is my quiet place, my thinking place, my own space that no one can invade. It is where I rant and rave but also where I hope and dream. It is where I communicate with others and document details for the generations to come.

The blog evolved from welcoming Esther and William to the world to observing them in their world. I moved the blog to my fiance’s hosting and reclaimed the name Edspire. It seems appropriate somehow. I hoped that our story might inspire and educate.

I had no idea what was still to come.

How easy was it to continue writing after Matilda died?

It was incredibly easy. It was natural. It is natural. It is what I do.

My blog is where I grieve. I write honestly and openly about my battle to get through each day without my daughter in my arms.

I write about how in spite of all the pain I am trying desperately to make life good for Esther and William.

My daughter died and somehow, deep inside me I made a choice.

I could become bitter and angry, be defeated and die a little inside myself or I could make Matilda’s little life matter. Build a legacy for her that she will never have chance to create for herself.

As soon as we had a definite cause of death, I made my pledge to raise money and awareness for The Lullaby Trust and to build a legacy for our little girl. It is quite selfish really. I do not want anyone to forget Baby Tilda’s name. I want people to talk about her and never forget her. I am using my blog to make that so.

I also hope that one day Esther and William will be able to look back at this time and know that no matter how much we were hurting inside we carried on and made life good for them.

I like to think that my blog will also help other parents who have to travel this awful journey because it is more painful than anyone realises and so so lonely even when you are surrounded by family and friends.

I also know that baby loss is not easy to write about. There are no jokes to be made, no charming anecdotes to share. It is not easy for people to read.

Baby loss is not talked about enough and I believe that needs to change. It is only when your own baby dies that you realise how many other people around you have suffered a similar fate and are trying to live their painful lives in silence because that is what society expects them to do.

I am passionate about raising money and awareness for The Lullaby Trust in Matilda’s name.

If the money and awareness that we raise can save one life then it has all been worth it.

I can never bring Matilda back, I can never hold her in my arms. I will never see her walk or hear her speak, but I can do this.

I can do this.

What fundraising have you done?

In 7 months we have raised over £23,000 and I say we because I could not have done any of this on my own.

I am very lucky to have incredibly supportive family and friends.

I am very proud to be part of a powerful, passionate and supportive blogging community.

And as a collective we have all done this.

We have walked miles in Matilda’s memory, we have held an online auction, we are planning a family fun day and have plans for a Baby Tilda Barn Dance and a Matilda Mae 10k run.

People have donated money in place of christening and birthday gifts.

9 parents conquered their fear of heights to jump from a plane for Matilda Mae.

People have walked and cycled and swum and combined all three in amazingly difficult personal challenges to raise money and awareness for The Lullaby Trust.

Companies have produced Matilda Mae bags, Matilda Mae dresses and donated their profits to charity.

Families have dressed in pink and purple, blown bubbles and reached for the stars.

All for Matilda Mae.

It has been a very emotional and busy 7 months joining together with people around the world to shout my daughter’s name to the skies, write her name in the sand and make her little life count.

Why do you think campaigning through your blog has been so successful?

I hope it is because I write honestly and from the heart. I like to think that I connect well with the people who read my blog.

I spend a lot of time on Facebook and Twitter promoting what I write and talking about things I feel passionately about.

I try to tell a story and only write about things that I feel strongly about.

I work with other people to get things done.

I have one friend in particular who I whisper an idea too and in minutes she has a plan of how to get it done.

Working with others in a community is a powerful too for campaigning.

A collective voice is a strong voice and gets your message heard.

I also think that because Tilda was a true ‘blog baby’ people feel like they know her and so have been truly affected by her death

People want to help because of that and also because they want to stop this thing happening to them or anyone else.

No parent should outlive their children.

No baby deserves to die.

Tell us about SIDS in older babies

I am not an expert on Sudden Infant Death.

I am a mummy who lost her baby to this cruel and silent killer.

Not a tiny newborn baby but a big and bouncy, healthy, mobile, happy 9 month old baby.

SIDS is when a healthy baby stops breathing for no known reason.

But it does not just affect small babies but older babies and young toddlers too.

Money is needed to fund research into why babies and young toddlers just stop breathing and die.

SIDS cannot be ignored.

We need to make a stand and fight it to stop other families being broken like mine.

What do you hope to achieve?

I want people to not be afraid to talk about SIDS and baby loss in general.

I want to work with The Lullaby Trust to improve the support offered to families after a baby dies. We left the hospital in the early hours of the morning after Tilda died and were not contacted by anyone to see if we were okay.

I want to make Matilda Mae proud and I want people never to forget her face or stop saying her name.

I want to continue raising money and awareness because if we can save just one life, protect one mother, support one father, then it will have been worth it.

It is only in the last few weeks really that I have truly realised and accepted that no matter what I do or how much money we raise, or how many people I send up into the sky, nothing and no one is going to bring Matilda back to us.

I can never bring Matilda back, I can never hold her in my arms. I will never see her walk or hear her speak, but I can do this.

I can do this.