I have not written about trying to conceive before on this blog.
Just thinking about it makes me feel guilty, like I am betraying Baby Tilda.
But each month that deals another bitter blow of disappointment
Drags me deeper into despair.
Longing for a baby
Missing a baby that should still be
Are terrifying concoction of emotions
And it makes you hate yourself and everyone around you.
I am not in a good place today
As once more my body is laughing at me.
My body it seems is expert
At playing tricks on your mind
Putting false hope in your heart
And then pulling the rug from under you
With a sudden and forceful jerk.
I am wishing for a rainbow
That I fear may never come.
It makes life incredibly hard
And ruins relationships with family and friends
Who are pregnant and having babies.
I cannot help how I feel
No one knows how it feels to be me right now
But true friends understand and know that I am doing the best I can.
I miss Matilda Mae every second of every day
But it does not stop me longing for my rainbow.
Every single cycle.
28 days.
Day 1 is exciting
A clean sheet
Fresh hope
A chance to try again
Day 14
Half way
Ovulation
Important journeys begin
Hope beyond hope
There is a union
A fusion
You treasure every twinge
Analyse each sign, each signal
Day 21
Anytime now
There could be implanting
New life could be developing
Burying themselves deep
Safe inside
Day 27
A secret test
Just maybe?
This month?
Perhaps?
NOT PREGNANT!
huge hugs hun, I could say it will happen when it is meant to but I know from personal experience that is no consolation. Hope there is some happy news for you all soon.
Hey Jennie … I’m sorry you are feeling so low. The human body can be rough. The surge of hormones do not exactly help either. God bless mother nature. I dream all the time that I am pregnant and will have another baby and then the realisation when I wake that this will never happen to me is a blow that hits me straight in the stomach.
What you have though (and maybe hard to accept today) is hope, hope that a rainbow will flourish for you. It’s a struggle and a fight and it’s hard and you’ve had your fair share of fighting but you have to keep on going, trying, hoping, and praying. Wanting it really badly sometimes isn’t enough … you have fought so hard already so I know you have the strength and fight in you to continue on. It’s just today is a blip in the journey that is trying to concieve.
It’s easy for me, I’ve made peace with the fact I’m in early monopause and won’t ever have any more children. It’s a lot harder being in limbo … but know this: I know you are strong and I know that when the hormones leave your body and your feeling brighter you will recognise the inner strength you have.
God bless you Jennie. Today is a rough day .. but tomorrow will be better. I promise xxxx
Jennie .. I’ve just heard the most extraordinary sentence that was so powerful as soon as I heard it and I immediately thought of you.
I’m sat here, coding some ridiculous piece of a web page and it’s driving me nuts, in the background I’m listening to a podcast of Desert Island Discs to keep me company. This weeks guest is the physcologist Daniel Kahneman – (look him up up he’s a fascinating character) anyway .. he’s asked by Kirsty Young about wisdom and how other peoples wisdom can help you personally in a time of crisis. He says how most people very rarely use the resource that are your friends. (You personally do not fit into this umbrella because this blog is your way of communicating) But he said the following and I thought this was very powerful and wanted to share it with you.
“I can tell you how you feel in a years time” – “you can’t recognise this right now because you are with those feelings”
Isn’t that extraordinary? I just wanted to share that with you and send you peace xxx
Each month I do so hope for you and feel so desperately sad when it is not to be. I remember the pain and despair I used to feel each month…
If I had lost a gorgeous baby as well, the thought of that pain is beyond words…
I will always support you in any way I can special lady x x x x x x x x x
It will happen when you are truely ready, don’t worry, don’t feel guilty, don’t forget but allow it to just happen x
When your heart and your mind is ready, you will have a rainbow baby either naturally or with some help. You are an amazing mummy and meant to have many babies. So tragically you lost your little girl but you should not feel guilty to want another as even if Matilda Mae was sitting in front of you right now, you would want another sibling for her and the twins. This was always your plan and unfortunately trying to conceive is made cruelly harder by your grief for Matilda. A rainbow baby will find its path to you – that I have no doubt x
Hoping you get your rainbow really soon. No guilt necessary but of course that won’t change how you feel. It’s so good that you’re able to put out all your complex emotions here.
Don’t feel guilty. Wanting another baby does not mean you love MM any less. You are a natural mum and it will happen when the time is right.x
Jennie, I know this is so hard for you. I have been in the situation where trying to conceive a baby seems like the impossible. You have so much other stuff going on too and it must feel terribly lonely at times. Please remember we are all here to talk to and you will never ever alienate us with how you’re feeling. We cannot possibly know what it is like to be you right now, or ever, but we can provide a shoulder to cry on when you need it. And I promise that no matter what, your friends are not going anywhere. I have my fingers crossed for you and your much deserved rainbow baby.
xxxx
Time, that horrid non-stoppable and unquantifiable dimension will bring answers. Patience is the only thing that can get you through the wait without losing your mind. I wish for you that the time for you is short and your patience immense till you hold your little bit of a rainbow in your arms.
Oh Jennie, it breaks my heart to read this. As I’ve just said on your other post, I will be wishing for you everyday. You have so much to deal with that this monthly cycle is such a cruel slap in the face. Please do not worry about upsetting other people, you are what matters most right now, you and David and how you’re getting through all this. Your true friends will be by you through the sunniest of skies and the darkest if days…and, through the rainbow that will, eventually, come your way. Sending love xx
There’s no rush you are young, my rainbow baby was born 24 months after….. a happy surprise, a blessing, a gift from God. I hope your rainbow baby finds its path to you xx
I hope with all my heart that you get that rainbow of hope. It must be terribly hard being surrounded by bloggers/real life friends who are all on different stages of the journey, and all those journeys with different reminders and thoughts and feelings. Sending you colourful rainbow vibes xxx
It will come. I’ll hope and pray that it will come. I struggle in a different, more shallow way, a desperate want for a child, but a prevention, for now, because I don’t know, given circumstances, if we’d cope. All the while, I presume that, when I’m ready, it will happen. Sometimes I don’t feel very deserving. So I’ll put all my energy into you getting your rainbow after your storm instead. xx
Now I understand our conversation on Twitter the other night!
I’ve a friend who miscarried twins last year, and has been trying to conceive since. I don’t really know what to say to either of you, except that I hope you get what you want x
Keep trying! If the collective will of your online friends counts for anything you’ll have your rainbow soon x
wishing for another baby or many more just shows your endless love towards Matilda Mae and your twins too, so dont give up, you will have your future baby one day. Just please dont be hard on your body, im sure it will give you what you are so hoping for when the time is right. it must be hard to be patient , but they say when you relax a bit and dont concentrate on it too much, it just happens out of the blue. must be true, seen it happening before. you a going through a lot in many ways, and your dealing with it amazingly, your body is doing its best to help you getting on. stay strong and dont give up. hugs