Today I tried to go to a wedding
My husband is good friend’s with the Groom
He wanted to go to support him
He came to our wedding and to Tilda’s funeral
It felt like the right thing to do.
A day just David and I
Perhaps we might enjoy some time together
We might even have some fun.
We had been getting ready for the wedding for weeks
Thinking about what we would say
When people asked about our children
How many, what ages they are.
I bought a pretty dress
I was looking forward to wearing it.
You can make all the preparations
You can feel pretty in your dress
You can chat all the way to the church in the car
It does not mean you are ready!
As soon as the couple with a tiny little baby sat down beside us
I knew I should not have come
The tears were pricking my eyes
Threatening to spill and tumble
As the ceremony started
I felt so numb
No joy at the sight of a beautiful bride
Just thoughts of a wedding that will never be
Hearing the bride say, ‘You ready Dad?’
And knowing my husband will not hear those words as many times as he should
Knowing our baby daughter will never be a bridesmaid let alone a bride
Knowing that Esther has lost her maid of honour
Before her life has truly begun
And then the words of the service
Praise be to God
A God I truly believe in
Though my faith is tested to the limits right now
The words I love joining in with
Just would not come
I choked on them
I could not say them
It tore at my heart to even read them
As we praised God for all that is wonderful in the world.
The first time I ran from the church
Was to catch my breath
Steady my racing heart
Bring my mind back to the here and the now.
I thought I could control my feeling
That I would be okay.
After the actual wedding
The joining of husband and wife
Were the prayers for the friends and the families
For those passed and not with us today.
That is when I knew I could not go on
That I was not going to make it through the day.
I left the church again
This time knowing I would not be going back.
I waited for David at the car.
I thought once the power and emotion of the church were over
I might make it to the reception, the meal
But as I spoke to David though floods of tears
Gasping for breath
I knew it would not be the right thing to do.
I cannot talk about Tilda today
Without sobbing and breaking my heart.
6 months ago today was our first day without her
It was an awful terrible day
No one at a wedding wants to hear about that
I think we would have been sat with the couple with the baby
They would have asked if we had any of our own
This happy couple with their precious new born
Do not want to know about our baby that died
That fell asleep and did not wake up
That was torn from our arms without warning
They did not come to a wedding for that.
They want to show off their newborn
Share stories of the wonder of it all.
I am not ready to do that.
I have lost all fascination with babies.
I do not coo or swoon.
I try to stay away from babies as much as I can.
Because mine is gone. She died.
No one wants to know about that.
The tone of my thoughts was telling me
Go home and be alone
You need your time with Tilda
Today is not a day for a brave face
Not even a top of the prettiest dress
Today my thoughts are at their darkest
I am not a suitable wedding guest.
6 long months without Matilda Mae
I do not have the strength to build a wall today.
Oh sweetheart. I think it was very brave of you to try and I am sure the Bride and Groom will appreciate that. xx
Hugs x
I often read but don’t usually comment but today i just want to write and send love and courage and strength. That’s all xx
I cried for you today. You are so strong and brave to have even attempted to go to the wedding today.
x
bless you Jennie … xxx
sending you lots of hugs hun x
What an incredible burden you bear on a daily basis, Jennie. No-one could expect you to do more than you did. You tried. You hoped. That’s allowed. Just because it didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try again. Next time you may fare a little better and you may not. But you keep trying. Because that is what you do best of all. (((hugs)))
Bless you Jennie. My heart breaks for you. You did the right thing to leave – to sit in that church must have been unbearably hard. You have your own set of rules now – you get through each day as – and whatever way – you can xxx
Oh Jennie, you were so brave to try xx Sending love xx
Jennie I don’t know the right words,I don’t think there are any right words…so I’ll just say ‘hugs’ and truly I mean that xxx
Oh Jennie 🙁 this is so sad. I am sure the bride and groom understood though, it must have taken so much for you just to get there. Sending love xx
You write so eloquently & your love for Matilda shines through, burning strongly and fiercely. I found your blog looking for messy play ideas for my children, when I realised you had lost your precious daughter I read on. Despite not knowing you or your family I feel as though I do, you paint such vivid pictures of all three of your children. Through the power of your love (&words) I can imagine baby tilda, laughing, sucking her giraffe, sitting in her highchair, playing with Her brother and sister.
I hope that with time your love for baby Tilda will evolve so that it surrounds you with comfort, like a shawl, always there, a part of everyday life and brings you peace.
Oh Jennie I think you absolutely did the right thing here. You tried. Your decision to walk away was the best for everyone. You were amazing to even attempt it. You have every right to spend time with thoughts of Tilda instead. X
Oh Jennie, I have no idea how you manage to be so strong and brave every day ((hugs)) x
You tried. You can never know when the grief can hit you but judging by the length of time it must be more often than not..6 months is no time at all. No time without that little beauty and I am positive the bride and groom would have known that. Xx
My goodness what a truly difficult day for you. Its all still so new and raw. No-one will blame you Jennie xx
At least you tried. Nobody can say you’ve not tried.
I know you quoted CS Lewis the other day, but have you read The Prophet? Nothing I have experienced comes even close to your grief, but I take great comfort from its words. x
I’m sending you vibes of strength so that you can celebrate and grieve for the gorgeous Tilda whose shining smile lit up my screen and caused tears to stream down my face. Time helps with the rememberance. I have found the grief creeps in at the most unexpected and inconvienient times. Tears are healing and part of the cycle of dealing with death.
This breaks my heart. I couldn’t even imagine. Its easy for us to tell you to be strong, to keep your chin up. But those things are far easier said than done. *massive hugs* Thinking of you xx
i think you are very brave and strong to recognize the facts and feelings that you have written down and that you dont push yourself too hard. you need time, and as much as you want or feel that is right. im not sure what to say really, but surely it must be very hard and heartbreaking for you to go through a lot of things and get on with it every day. wish you more strenght than ever x