Today has been a rather lovely day.
I have really enjoyed the company of my almost three year old twins.
How can you not adore these crazies?
Esther at almost 3
William at almost 3
I took Esther and William out this morning to Sainsburys. It is quite a drive from our tiny village to the nearest superstore but it is a drive I am familiar with and enjoy.
I had completely forgotten that it is also the drive to the crematorium where Tilda’s body was committed.
As we approached the turn into the crematorium I could feel my heart pounding and sense the tears beginning to flow. I thought I was going to have to stop, pull over.
But just then, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star came on in the car.
It seemed to give me the strength I needed to pull myself together and carry on.
I am not sure if I believe in signs but if I did then surely this was one?
And in that moment my beautiful Baby Tilda was close by.
I miss her so much
And find myself searching for signs that I am not sure I even believe in
But today I was not searching
And I am certain that when I needed her she was there.
I am not the only person who misses Baby Tilda.
A mile or so after the crematorium Jingle Bells came on the CD player in the car.
“Baby Tilda’s favourite song!” Esther exclaimed
“She will have bells up in the sky” William said.
“She will” I said, “She will have bells up in the sky.”
We talk about Baby Tilda in the sky all of the time.
Esther and William know that she is up there
But sometimes struggle with why she does not just come back down.
They have asked me directly why I do not go and get her.
They think I should climb up a ladder
And give Baby Tilda ‘a carry’ back down to Earth
I patiently explain that I can’t.
No one can.
I cannot understand myself that she is dead and gone forever
So how can it begin to make any sense for a two year old?
Talking does seem to help.
They know that Baby Tilda has a garden.
They always ask to play in it
They love to spend time there
And now have their own little gardens
Within Baby Tilda’s garden.
They talk to us about her
But they also talk to each other
When they think we cannot hear.
I captured this conversation on video
A talk about Baby Tilda in the sky.
It makes me love Esther and William so much
And the pain of missing Tilda so raw.
How are we ever supposed to make sense of something so tragic and wrong?
All we can do is keep talking and trying to carry on
And making sure that our baby lives on
In all of us
For always
We love you precious girl x
Baby Tilda July 2012
Hold onto those moments when you get a secret glimpse of Tilda being there with you, for you and don’t let your intellect dismiss them! There is so much we do not know yet about the universe.
I have NO DOUBT that she sends you signs and is watching over you. I’ve had the same from someone I was close to who died young. I remember the dreams talking to them and then waking up to the screaming reality of their death. It gets easier, although I’m not talking about short term – it takes a long time. But the signs help more and more.
That was definitely a sign. I don’t know if I believe in things like that either but when my grandma passed away we played ‘spirit in the sky’ at her funeral. It’s not a current song but recently when I was having a bad day it came on the radio. I couldn’t believe it!
I love how Esther and William talk about baby Tilda, with such fondness – it must be so difficult for their littlle minds to fathom, it’s hard for all of us just reading let alone living it.
My husband and I laughed at William saying spiders said bye bye in a funny voice. Xx
You’re so strong. I am unable to read one of your posts without crying. I’m going to stop avoiding reading them – if you’re strong enough to write them, then I’m strong enough to read them xx
As I said earlier I do believe in signs. The video of the twins is so lovely, I love the innocence of the ladder and using the birds to take crusts to Tilda. It bought a lump to my throat when William mentioned Tilda not crying, you are a wonderful Mummy Jennie. I think it’s so nice that Esther and William speak about her the way they do xxx
I think she is definitely with you Jennie. It is beautiful how you talk to the twins about her, and the video is gorgeous. You are amazing and baby Tilda knows that. Huge hugs my lovely
xxxxxx
Definitely a sign that Tilda was close by. Like I said that clip made me cry, they are so sweet, it is clear they miss their baby sister so much too. If only there were ladders up to the sky xx
Beautiful post. We are having very similar conversations in this house about where Finley is, and what his garden is with two year old Twinkle, who was born a year after Finley. Oh if only it was so easy as to climb a ladder and carry them back. And signs? I believe that we choose to believe what we wish to,and what makes sense. And if it brings comfort and reassurance that’s a great help, and much to be valued. It is my experience that I can look for and find signs in anything, but like you, the unexpected ones, the ones not looked for, the ones I cannot quite explain, those are magic.
I love the video conversation so much! It must be so hard to have them ask to go up a ladder to her. But it’s wonderful how they talk about her and clearly love and miss her.
Oh Jennie
I love that the twins talk about Tilda and know they can do so. It always breaks my heart when I hear of other families where lost family members are not to be discussed “for fear of upsetting relatives”.
Tilda is definitely sending you signs. Of that I have no doubt. Letting you know she is looking down on you all from her own little star.
Lots of love Jennie
There’s no doubt in my mind that she sends you signs that she is close by. She is with you all the time. And twinkle twinkle, what a lovely sign. Sending you big hugs and lots of love. xxx
I love how Esther’s face lights up when she thinks about the birds taking crusts to Baby Tilda! Big hugs Jennie.