The thing I struggle with the most is believing she is gone
Or was ever here
Often in the same split second
Did I dream her?
I can’t have done
I carried her with me everywhere for 9 months
I heard her babble and giggle and coo
She stroked my face and snuggled in close
She made me laugh
She made me smile
She also made me cry
She was our miracle baby
She was mine
She really hadn’t had that much to do with anyone else
You don’t in those first 9 months
It is precious mummy and baby bonding time
Feeding time
Nurturing time
Making bonds strong enough to last
Stand the test of time
But I can’t believe she is gone
When I hear myself say the words
My baby died
Our daughter died
It is like I am hearing them for the very first time
Each and every time
It is like a blow to the stomach
I feel sick and I struggle to breathe
And some days like today
The pain and sadness is just unbearable
My throat is so tight
I can’t get the oxygen I need
My eyes and nose are streaming
My whole body is shaking
I cannot think of anything
But Matilda Mae
And the cruel realisation
That my baby girl is no longer here
How is that even possible?
And I know that great things are being done in her name
Wonderful community building things
So much money has been raised
A pink and purple garden is in full bloom
But I just cannot accept that all of this
All of this
Is because my 9 month old baby died
My daughter that I love so much
Is dead
And never ever coming back
How can it still feel like new news?
I am really struggling today
I want my baby back!
5 long months
No time at all
My heart is full to bursting
My arms are aching
I know it can never be
But how can it never be?
How can I make sense of a world without Matilda Mae?
I am really not sure I can.
Everything feels hard.
Nothing feels right.
And though all the beautiful flowers are in bloom
They may as well be black and white
For all those people who admire my brave face
This is what happens behind closed doors
I fall apart
And cry til I can cry no more
For all that I miss about Matilda Mae
All I knew about Baby Tilda
And all that I will ever know.
All that she could and should but will never be
My beautiful baby girl.
And all I have left is a garden
Growing and blooming in a way that she never will.
I miss Matilda Mae.
Nothing I say will ever make it better. Just know that there are many people around to support you – if you just want to talk or need a hug or need anything else. xxx
Bless you Jennie. I cannot read this & go….. The thing I admire about you most it your openness & your honesty about how you feel & your ability to cry…. I am sure this must be better healing than blicking it out. It helps us to help you more knowing just how awful this is for you. You are so right about those first 9 months she was yours totally – Matilda was a little person & she has been ripped from you & you are feeling such an awful loss……….. I do hope your pain of today eases a little. Maybe sit quietly & focus on your breathing…. I know none of this will really help you. Praying for you lots today. Sending so much love Jennie – Rachel xxxx
Jennie – words seem so futile sometimes. Just know that you are in so many people’s thoughts every day and Matilda too – just from reading your blog so many things make me think of her – bubbles, stars, pink and purple and whenever Night Garden comes on C-Beebies to name just a few. I know it’s no consolation but she will never be forgotten. With all my sincere wishes x
There’s obviously never a good time to lose a child, but to lose her when it’s all about the two of you, when you’re bond is so strong. It’s just cruel and it doesn’t help I know, but like everyone else I feel SO sorry for you, still. Wish we could all bring her back for you 🙁 xxx
Life is cruel and so unfair. It makes no sense at all. So sorry and so sad this happened to you. There are no words to ease your pain. Thinking of you x
When I think of the love you have for Matilda this quote comes to my mind – “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way then this. So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep”. Xx
Couldn’t comment on this earlier as my phone battery ran out. But I read this in a garden square full of bright pink roses. I was so sad and could feel the tears falling, it’s all so unfair. I’m going to sit in that garden on my lunch break when I can and remember that beautiful smiling girl. Xx
The garden looks so beautiful. It’s winter here in Australia and nothing is blooming, except a few weeks ago a purple orchid flowered in a shady part of our garden, which is pretty unusual given the cooler weather. I think of Tilda every time I look at it. My 4 year old son has seen me reading your blog and asked about baby Tilda so we talk about her. He blew bubbles in the garden for her “because everyone in England is asleep”. x
Just wishing, and wishing, and wishing that we could bring Baby Tilda back. Although I never met her, and have never met you, I feel sad every day as I think about her, and you, and Esther and William, and David. No words to say *holds hand* Too sad for you Jennie xxx
Sending you a hug. It is so unfair she isn’t with you and we can’t bring her back to you. Matilda’s garden is beautiful, just like she was. Thinking of you everyday and sending love. X