In four days time Tilda will have been dead for 5 months
The pain is still all consuming
I am sure my heart breaks a little more each day
The realisation that people have no clue how you feel
Just makes your body feel all the heavier
Getting up in the morning is increasingly hard
Fighting your way through each day
Battling with bitterness, sadness and rage
Feeling sick to the stomach
Tears spring without warning
Flashbacks triggered by sensations and sounds
Careless actions by people who should know better
Tear what little strength you have to the ground
Fallen and beaten
People come along and twist the knife a little more
Are they trying to see how much I can take
Before my soul is completely destroyed
My blood races through my temples
I feel like my head might explode
I want the world to stop and notice
I want the people who are supposed to be close to me
To sit up and pay some attention
And know that I am far far far from alright.
My chest feels like it is weighted with stone
Often I struggle to breathe
As I gasp for air
I am playing with my toddlers
Hoping they do not notice the start of a panic attack.
I know the world cannot stop for me
I know people cannot change their lives for us
But I wish people could know how it feels
And yet I don’t
I would not wish how I feel every day
On my worst enemy
The guilt, the pain, the sorrow, the physical hurt
The anger, the rage, the questioning
The wondering if the world is ever ever going to make any sense again.
Am I broken beyond repair?
Should this be much easier for me?
Am I over reacting?
No
I feel betrayed
Stabbed through the heart
Like things will never ever be the same again
5 months
5 long months
Not time at all
Soon it will be 6 months
Half a year
9 months
Soon she will have been dead longer than she was alive
How do you begin to make sense of that?
How do you learn to live with that?
Obviously it is not hard enough
As the people who love me feel they need to throw in a few more obstacles
Just because life is not hard enough.
Life is rubbish.
And I am truly not sure how much hurt I can take.
Oh Jennie. I want to rewind a week and be able to give you a big hug. I know how devastated you are and I do not for one second think that those in question don’t either. Perhaps people close to you are wating you to be ok. Its still so soon. I wish I could do something but you know I am here. And you do NOT need to pretend. I’ve told you that before, I know, but I want you to believe it. xxxxxxxxxx
🙁 I know it won’t help but Huge (((((hugs)))) xx
Step by step, day by day xx I wish I could say something that would help but I just want to say please try to let go the feelings of guilt. It is not your fault. It really really really is not your fault. It is awful and unfair and Tilda should still be with you, but it is not your fault.
Thinking of you xxx
I really really wish I could reach through my screen and hold you and hug you so so tight and tell you you are not broken you are not beyond repair, you are grieving, grieving for someone no parent should ever grieve for your daughter.
I’m so so sorry Jennie. And of course you are not overreacting. You don’t have to pull yourself together and get over it. How could anyone expect that? You just have to get through each day, and that’s hard enough. I don’t know how you are feeling, but I do know that having panic attacks whilst caring for very young children is scary and awful, and you need someone to help you. I wish I could come and help. Can you try Homestart again. Let me know if you want me to call them for you xx
Oh Jennie. Grieving helps so don’t doubt yourself. You are doing your best and people know it. You are a lovely person and a great mother but in your eyes I see a sadness that makes me want to reach out and hug you. Let me know anytime how I can help you or the memory of Tilda. It must be really painful to get through the day but you are doing such a great job and you are so strong. You have inspired so many.
So sorry Jennie.
You aren’t over reacting. You are grieving and I hope those who you mention start listening soon.
Always thinking of you, know that doesn’t help you really- but I’d like you to know that.
Keep talking things through, and keep blogging about how you feel, it it helps, even a tiny bit x x x
How can you be ok – 5 months seems to have floated by so very quickly. Beautiful baby Tilda did not just disappear that night – all the things you see and do every day, the little things mean that she is all around you and each thing helps you remember her and also serve as constant reminders of what has happened. She was so so beautiful, beauty like that isn’t easy to get over. None of this can even be fathomed by anyone that hasn’t had a child ripped from them so I think people need to just be a bit more considerate xxx
Dearest Jennie – as you better than any of us know grieve in different ways but you are not overreacting. I cannot believe it is 5 months and this may feel like an age whilst also feeling like no time at all. In truth it is no time at all. I agree it is step by step and day by day. I cannot comprehend the strength you must have to endure each day never mind each significant date marking the passage of time. Although lovely Tilda was taken from you at 9 months of age she had been with you for twice that time as part of you and within you and she is still with you as part of within all your hearts. Thinking of you as ever x
I don’t know what to say, but I really hope that someone gives you a big hug tonight and holds you tightly in their arms xx
You might need to be in a bad mood some days and not try to fight it. You might need to snap sometimes. You might need to shout, scream or tell people off! Because if you don’t they won’t know what you need. Don’t beat yourself up, or them either, because if you don’t do it, they won’t know!! Because you blog so eloquently, and your blog has been your release these five months people may mistakenly think that when you’re not writing, you might want to be allowed to pretend and have some chance at normalcy.. (is that a word?), that if you’re allowed to fake it long enough you might manage to make it!! They won’t know (unless you tell them!) that the blog is of course NOT enough!! You need to cry, be grumpy, scream, shout, release this horrific grief for REAL out into the open air as well! 24 hours a day is a long time to miss Matilda and you have to do what you have to do to live through it each and every day! To say nothing of the fact that I understand (only from reading, not from experience) that a period of quite pronounced anger and irritabililty is apparently a normal stage of the grieving process and one you have every right to feel. Don’t apologise, don’t feel bad, feel angry, BE angry. But also remember, somewhere at the back of your mind that while you’re grieving people are probably not able to know what you need without you showing them. Because NO one knows how it feels to be you. And it must be so, so hard. And we’re here for you and we love you. But it’s ok to be angry. For sure. Five months is too long to live without Matilda Mae. Five HOURS is too long and you deserve to shout at the Universe for doing this to you. MASSIVE hugs… x x x x x x x
Just reading again through your blog, I also want to add that it’s exhausting enough having to live through each day without Tilda, without you having to teach others around you how they need to behave too… you have enough to cope with! So while you do need to be open in what your needs are and how you feel, you’d expect some closest to you to figure some of it out on their own! I’m sorry if it’s hard and people are letting you down. I hope this passes soon and you feel heard, and better understood and cared for soon. Lots of love x x x x
Hi Jenny, I am new to your blog and as yet have only read a few posts but the first one I read made me cry. l don’t think there are many people who will truly know what you are going through on a daily basis but please don’t give up on yourself or be so hard on yourself. You are going through inmeasurable pain and the sheer fact that you are getting out of bed everyday shows just how strong you are. I am so sorry that people you love are causing you more pain all I can suggest is that people grieve in different ways and perhaps they are feeling just as lost. Sending you love and hugs xx
My heart breaks for you. People think that after a few months you must have learnt how to deal with Matilda’s death; of course you haven’t and you probably never will. Because they have learnt to deal with their feelings, they expect you to have done the same. And it’s crap because you probably never will.
Sensible advice? Rage in private, rant and rage. But don’t pass it on to the person because they can’t change what is going to happen now. Rage at their insensitivity. Rage at their thoughtlessness. Rage but don’t tell them, no good will come of it 🙁
Oh Jennie – I couldn’t just read and run – just know that so, so many people think about you and Tilda every day. Your story has touched me and moved me in such a strong way and I wish with all my heart that you weren’t having to deal with any of this. x
Oh Jennie, I like a number of others am a new reader. Any words I offer seem so insignificant but please know that I notice, we notice and we support and understand.
I have not yet been blessed with children but I do understand that achingly unfair, unfathomable sense of loss…from miles away I am others are by your side xxxxx
i could not leave the ‘comment’ blank, although not for a second will i tell you ‘it’ll get better’ becasue they are the people you want to drop kick..it is what it is. no less, no more amount of pain could you ever, ever, fell…could anyone ever feel. a plaster won’t stick, a word won’t heal…your heart has been physcally and enotionally broken. and your whole body wants to escape the pain, but it can’t. please, please, just keep on. it is shit, but is all you can expect of yourself, even when you feel ‘keeping going’ is just waking, getting through the day somehow, and falling into bed again at the end of it.
reach out, talk, write, cry, scream…do it all because this is how it is right now.
i constantly pray for strength for you, and remember matilda mae often in the day. and i stop and try and breathe a bit for you. only i wish i could do that nest to you, wrap you up for a time, till you can surface a bit, if only for a while.
you’re deeply loved, always thought about by many. although thoughts don’t help, i know they don;t.
oh jennie, i am so so so sorry. ‘keep running this race, with perseverance in your pace’
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am a new follower of your blog. I too have been left devastated and heartbroken-my baby daughter died suddenly 10 weeks ago tomorrow, she was 7 weeks and 4 days old. The pain is excruciating. It is something no parent should ever have to suffer. On top of the daily agony it is so hard to deal with the insensitivity and thoughtless actions of others, so many people simply have no idea. I will continue to follow your blog. You are an amazing and truly inspirational person. My thoughts are with you xxx
Your post makes me think of how my parents were a few months after our son was stillborn. Expecting us to be ok, not wanting to hear anything else. I know it’s because they couldn’t possibly understand what it was like and because it hurt them too much to see us in pain, but still, it was so hard to cope with them being like that as well.
I know it’s not the same as those close to you you are writing about but there are lots of people here, reading your posts, who hear how much you hurt and how much you love your baby Tilda…
Anne xxxxx
I hope you don’t me posting this, I saw this and thought of Matilda Mae:
An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth,
Then whispered as she closed the book,
“Too beautiful for Earth”
-Author Unknown
I’m so sorry Jennie. I have no words to add to the other comments other than to say that you are still in my thoughts daily and I wish I could do more to help xx
Jennie you sound so fragile right now, and it’s no wonder you are fragile when you have been so very broken, but I hope you have a strong support network around you. You need a lot of looking after and if you’re not getting it, please ask.
You and Matilda Mae are in my thoughts and in my heart, now and forever. xxxx
Hugs to you Jennie! I don’t believe people intend to hurt, especially those close. It’s just that everyone deals with grief differently. You are the lucky one- you can and dare to give your feelings an outlet through this blog, your activities for Tilda and with the twins. Imagine if that grief, all of it, was just burning you up from the inside, without even a little outlet you have. You are brave! You express when you feel especially low, you give people a chance to try to help. Imagine not having that and feeling you have to be strong, get over something no normal person can ever get over fully, the death of a perfectly healthy, beautiful child. That would twist anyone to do things out of character.
It’s only been five months – that’s like the tiniest grain of time ever…… nothing at all. I have this sense that you wish time wasn’t stretching away from Matilda Mae, that you wish you were still closer to her death, so that you are still so close to her. You will always be intertwined with her, always so close. Matilda Mae will be with you forever. Thinking of you. X.
One day at a time .
People can say such stupid things
I know this sounds totally unbelievable at the moment but trust me it does get slightly easier. The pain is always there with the hurt and the guilt and the “what ifs” “why didnt I ” etc. I know those feelings only too well. The heaviness on your heart and muddling only too well. I still get it all now although not as much.
I don’t know you but I have been there. Always here if you ever want stop by x
Thinking of you always, with every passing day/week/month. 5-months is no time at all and at the same time must feel like an eternity. But you will always carry Matilda in your heart and she will be with you always, until you are together again. xxx
there are not words. thank you for sharing your heart. your story. your truth. know this. you are love. you are loved.
i do not know you but i am sending you love and light this moment. you. are. not. alone. draw on this truth. we, all of us reading this heartfelt poem, stand here beside you now, even if from on far. we honor your feelings. we see you.
xoxoxo Suzanne