Hello
As Brit Mums Live comes closer and closer I am starting to get really emotional about the whole thing.
People keep saying I am so brave to come.
I am starting to wonder if I am doing the right thing?
I want to be there so much, there are so many people I want to see, people I want to thank.
My blog and my online communities have been my lifeline since Baby Tilda died.
Matilda Mae will always be my blog baby.
I know it is the right thing to do.
To be at Brit Mums Live and remember my baby.
Last year we had the most wonderful time.
I learned so much about blogging and Tilda and I learned so much about one another.
I will be sad to be there without her but I am also immensely proud of her legacy, our story.
I am proud of the angel she has become.
I have to be.
There is nothing else for us now.
Except this.
I can carry on blogging in her name.
Matilda Mae.
I can use our hurt and pain and anger and suffering
To raise awareness of Sudden Infant Death
and raise money for Bliss and The Lullaby Trust.
My blog is not all about Matilda Mae.
It is also about the lives of my precious premature twins.
Making their way in the world after being born at just 27 weeks.
I have everything to be there for.
And it would be hard for me to stay away.
I also know that going back to The Brewery
To Brit Mums Live will not be easy for me
I know that I will see Matilda everywhere
How she was and how she should be
But I am determined to be there
And make it through the two days in one piece.
And you can help me through it
If you would like to.
Please do not be afraid to speak to me
Don’t be scared to say her name
I am Matilda Mae’s mummy
And I love her now more than ever
It makes me happy to hear her name
For people to say how pretty she was
To tell me a memory of her
A favourite photo they have seen.
Please do not be offended if I do not know your name
If I have forgotten a card or a gift that you sent.
Please do not avoid me if you are pregnant or have a small baby
I am stronger than I look
And even through tears I would like the opportunity to say hello.
Please don’t be alarmed if you make me cry
I am comfortable with my tears
Please don’t think I am heartless
If you see me smile or laugh
I have become an expert at hiding my pain
I will try my best to be strong for others.
Please don’t be scared to say hello
I am sorry if I make you cry
I am just a mummy who misses her baby
A Pair of Shoes
Author UnknownI am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
If you ask me if I’m okay
I will tell you I am fine
If you ask me how I am doing
I will tell you I am okay
I am not
If you read my blog you know that I am not
But I do not want to tell people
Just how awful it feels to have had the most beautiful 9 month old baby die
I will not want to share with you the horror of finding my daughter dead
And the relentless nightmares I have had ever since
I will not weigh down your heart any more than I have to
With the horror that is solely mine
Because you have been kind enough and brave enough
Not to pass me by.
If you want to say something but do not know what to say
‘Hello and I am so sorry about Tilda’
Would be the perfect thing to say.
Thank you, and I hope to meet you at Brit Mums Live x
Looking forward to seeing you Jennie. X
Jennie. I hope we get a moment to chat. You are amazing and stronger than you realise.
See you there. Xx
Thank you for this. I really want to meet you, but am one of those awful people who doesn’t know what to say to people who are grieving. And I will also be bringing my 9 month old baby. But I am very grateful that you have said all this, and I will be there, and I will say ‘lovely to meet you and I am so sorry about Tilda’. And I might cry. And I definitely won’t mind if you happen to. It is perfectly normal. xxx
Please do say hello x I am okay with babies I really am. It is Tilda I miss x
That makes perfect sense. I will see you there! x
Jennie,
I’m not going to be at Britmums but if I were I would say hello and say how sorry I am that you have lost your beautiful girl. I would cry, as I am right now, because you are so honest and courageous and I am in awe of you every day. X
Hi,
I’ll be at Brit Mums Live too. I can’t wait to meet you. Eveything you’ve said makes perfect sense.
I know it will be a bitter sweet time for you, but I hope you manage to have a wonderful time knowing we are all right behind you.
Hugs
Lots of love
Claire
I often shed a little tear reading your blog but today particularly made me cry. Such beautiful words. I hope you have a lovely time, just you and Tilda’s memory. I think the time for yourself will hurt but be therapy too and time to grieve for your beautiful baby girl. Xx
Jennie Erin and I are so looking forward to meeting you and giving you a big hug xxx
Beautiful post. Hope to meet you there. Am sure Matilda Mae will be looking down, watching and be proud of you finding your way at Britmums without her.
I’m so glad that you wrote this. I’m sure you won’t remember but I met you and Matilda very briefly last year, I think I simply admired her gorgeous eyes and said a waved hello, but I feel like I’ve known you through your blog and I felt so worried about whether to say hello at BritMums, especially as I’ll have my little girl with me.
I hope you can really find some enjoyment at BritMums. I’m pretty sure that you will find yourself surrounded by people who want to show their support, people who will hold you up, who will want to remember right along with you. x
You have been through so much and I am pleased to hear that you are coming to Britmums this year. I can remember you and Tilda from last year, I was so worried about saying hello as you were a ‘big blogger’ to me after following you blog for so long. I am pleased I took the plunge and said hello, getting to stare into Tilda’s beautiful eyes and being treated to one of her amazing smiles.
In case we don’t bump paths this year please do not think it is because I wasn’t sure what to say… In case I do bump into you I apologies now for the hug coming you way, I’ll bring tissues too (just in case) xxx
I hope to meet you next week Jennie and although I don’t really know you and you don’t know me at all, I just want to give you a big hug. Thank you for posting this, it’s gives me the courage to say Hello as I’ll have my Little Mr with me who’s only 4 months old and I am so sorry about Baby Tilda, a star in the sky shining always xx
Oh I am looking forward to meeting you, even though to you I am a complete stranger x There are not many babies I think as beautiful as my own, but Tilda was one of them. She will be with you, and everyone will be a huge support whenever you need them xx
I am so thankful that you wrote this. It’s honest and raw and it’s where you’re at. It also helps us to know how you’re feeling and that you want us to talk about your precious baby Tilda – to be honest, anything else would seem wrong. I am a fairly new blogger and only came across you during your terrible loss. I am glad you wrote this. Thank you. You’re one brave and beautiful person. X
Tomorrow I am visiting a friend whose mother recently died of cancer after a long, painful and downright nasty battle.
I think a lot of the words in this post could apply to anyone seeing a friend or acquaintance who has recently lost someone they loved. We tend to stay away, or not speak, or not mention the person in question in that sort of situation because it makes us uncomfortable. We don’t want to make the person cry, we don’t want to cry ourselves, etc etc.
I know you are working hard to raise awareness for Lullabye Trust but I really think you are so eloquent, and your words so well written, you could do a lot to help and support all people going through grief. Your words identify with anyone who has lost someone.
Don’t be afraid to just have fun at Brit Mums x
I cannot pretend to imagine the pain and suffering you are going through and even though I have never met you I wish with all my heart I could take some of that pain away even for a few hours. I can see through your blog that you have made amazing, supportive friends who will hug you at Brit Mums and hold you up just a little so your shoes don’t hurt so badly. I don’t understand why you had to lose your beautiful daughter but you are a strong mummy and Matilda Mae left a part of her in you so you too could find out the reason you are here on Earth. I hope you have a lovely time at Brit Mums and let the memories of last year at Brit Mums wash over you and comfort you in some small way. I heard this quote once and always think of you – “It is in the darkest skies that the brightest stars are best seen”. X
You are such a strong and beautiful lady – I cannot wait to meet you xxx
I will have to stop myself crying if we meet at Britmums. What you have done to raise awareness for SIDS and to help other people cope with their grief whilst you are grieving is truly an astonishing and amazing thing.
I look forward to meeting you next week Jennie. I saw you from afar across the room last year but never came over to say hello. I intend to come over to you this year and talk to you and give you a great big hug. You are an amazing mummy and blogger xx
Jennie, it’s so right for you to be there, you and Tilda have shown how amazing the online community is. You reached out and always there was someone to reach back. You’ve inspired many. I am sure at times it might be hard but I very much hope you have a wonderful wonderful weekend being supported by your community, inspiring others and being inspired by the event. Thanks for posting this X
Jennie I’m really glad you posted this because I’ve been so nervous. I know that you took a photo of Tilda and I together and I was worried I might spark a memory, but then I guess everything does. I will probably just hug you without you even knowing who it is! I won’t ask how you are, I know.
I’m pretty certain that I won’t have anything close to the right words to say to you, but I’d very much like to offer you a hug. I suspect you’ll be getting a lot of those next weekend.
I hope you do have a lovely time at BritMums and am sure you will have all the love and support you need. I won’t be going but one day, should our paths ever cross, I would love to come and say hello. Xxx
I won’t be at BritMums, but I’d just like to say;
Hello, I’m so sorry about Tilda.
I wish I could take your pain away.
xxx
I am sure you will have loads of support and people to keep you strong, cry with you, smile with and help you through the weekend. I think you’d regret not going if you decided not to xx
It will be my first time at Britmums and I had hoped you maybe there but I was also that person who was worried about what to say. You blog’s leave me in awe of your strength.
I look forward to seeing you at Britmums and hope I get a chance to say how sorry I am x
I’m definitely coming to say hello to you.You wrote a very comprehensive and useful guest post for about breastfeeding your twins and wanted to say thank you in person.
I’m really looking forward to seeing you again x
I look forward to meeting you there too, and you’ve done a really good thing by writing this post. It’s very generous of you, and I’m sure it well make a lot of people feel easier about approaching you to say the things they feel they want to say. I hope BritMums Live is good to you x
I’m not coming to Britmums Jennie but I wish I was. I’d love to be able to give you a hug and talk about your beautiful Tilda with you. I know you will get amazing support from the lovely ladies around you and I hope you can enjoy it xxx
You know I can’t wait to see you, Jennie. Although I know I’ll be in pieces as last time was at Tilda’s funeral. You are one of the main reasons I’m still going, despite moving house, as I want to give you another squeeze. Only 6 more sleeps! xx
p.s. I will catch up with your blog, I promise.
You are amazing Jennie, and I am very much looking forward to meeting you. xxx
I am looking forward to meeting you – you never said if you mind random strangers coming up and hugging you ;O)
Thank you for this great post, and Matilda will be there, but in the hearts of many xx
Hi Jennie. This made me cry as I’m sure it must have you, writing it! What a truly inspirational woman you are. I really wish you a lovely time catching up with fellow bloggers at Britmums and remembering Matilda Mae. Love Jo x
It is so wrong that you’ve had to write this post Jennie, for so many reasons. But it says a million good things about you that even when you are the one hurting you are trying to make things easier and more comfortable for other people. I am so grateful. I am one of those who has read your story and would have wanted to hug you and say something, but wouldn’t have known what to say. Now I do. I can’t wait to meet Matilda Mae’s mum. I hear she is quite a woman x
I promise to come and say hello and hold you tight. Hayley x
Jennie you are such a selfless person. Don’t worry about how it might make others feel. You can say anything you like. I would love to talk about Tilda with you. I know there are many who feel the same. And you don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to pretend it’s okay because it’s not. You don’t have to hide the truth of how you feel for the benefit of others. You don’t have to share it with every random person (such as me!) either, but it might need to come out somehow. I will be praying for you, that the right people are in the right place at the right time to give you the support you need. I’m looking forward to giving you a big hug. And I will probably talk too much if I’m nervous, so tell me to shut up and listen if there’s something you want to say 🙂 I really hope it is a positive weekend for you xxxxx
You are the bravest mummy I know. She is so proud of you you know xxx
I am so glad you wrote this too. You know that already. See you soon lovely lady xxx
Hi Jennie,
I think I am one of those people who has wanted to meet you and worried about how emotional it would be. I’m pregnant now but even before I was I would cry everytime I read any of your posts or tweets about Matilda Mae. My family who aren’t online could not understand why I would get so upset talking about a baby I’d never met in real life. I in turn felt it was wrong to be so upset when it was your grief not mine but I think I speak for everyone when I say that as a mother (parents) the death of MM hit the whole community hard. I cannot begin to understand your life now or just how you manage to breathe in and out every day other than for your absolutely beautiful twins who must bring some much needed light into your days. I may not find the courage to talk to you at Britmums but even if I do not I will always, always remember MM and your strength.x
Yet another beautifully eloquent post. I’ll be the one with tears in my eyes before I’ve even fought my way through the throng of hugging to get to you. Not out of sadness but out of profound jealousy for how much you love your babies. They do say that which does not kill us makes us stronger. I used to think that applied to dodgy alcohol in foreign countries. Now I understand it is experience. Your experience is more than any person should have to bear, but you will never be more loved than you are in that room.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I am one of those who doesn’t know you or you me, but I have thought of you and your beautiful Tilda ever since that tragic night and I’ve cried so many tears for you and for your angel baby that I was thinking it would be odd now, if I were to see you at BML not to speak to you, to give you a big hug, to tell you how sorry I am, but of course I was nervous to because of not actually knowing you in real life and for all the reasons you’ve so eloquently identified in this post. You truly are an amazing person Jenny, I really hope I get to meet you at BML and if I see you I will definitely come over to say hello, hug you, and tell you how sorry I am. I know I will not be able to do any of those things without crying but I hope you do manage to have a positive weekend at BM even though no doubt it will be hard at times. We’re all there to hold your hand xxxx
I have to be honest that sometimes I avoid reading your posts because they always make me cry. I’m tearful now but so glad I read this and grateful that you wrote it. Matilda Mae must be so so proud of her mama x
Thank you for writing this post. I must admit that I did feel nervous about how to be if I bumped into you. Now I don’t. Not at all. We can all be ourselves and authentic in how we feel. I really hope you have a fulfilling experience at Britmums X.
Well done Jennie on finding the courage and strength to be at Britmums Live. You deserve the recognition and the support and I hope people find a way to share their memories, their sorrows and tears with you for Matilda.
Best Wishes
Jennie, I briefly said hello to you at BML and I know you probably won’t remember me but I am so pleased you wrote this post. I have cried so many tears for your beautiful Matilda, in fact I am crying now as I write this, and I want to meet you, to give you a hug and to tell you how sorry I am. I am sure this weekend is going to be really hard for you, but at the same time, it will be nice for you to get out and see your blogging friends. We are all there to hold your hand. I am sure you will be inundated with hugs and friends but I will definitely try and seek you out.
Hope you have a good weekend.
Katie xx
I wont be there either, but will send you a virtual “Hello and I am sorry about Tilda”. No I think you are right to go, you would be going if she was not an angel, life has to go on for you, David, and the twins.
I am sure I would give you a hug and shed a tear or 2 for you was I there, and I think this is a lovely letter to let people know that for all you are falling apart you will put on a brave face in public because that is what we do.
Your pain is so raw because your love was so deep, and your love for Tilda will never lessen, just as your whole family will never forget.
I wish I was going to be there so I can tell you how beautiful Matilda Mae was and how sorry I am.
You, my friend, are truly amazing!
I love your foresight, your planning, even to help others. You give so much and guide people with your words.
Can we all just pile into a room and have a great big Tilda party? Laughing and sobbing, hugging and dancing, remembering and planning?
I’m not going to Brit mums live (I really wish I wan though) but I just wanted to say what beautiful words. You truly are amazing. x x
I’m saving a special hello and a hug for you. What a brave and beautiful lady you are. Matilda Mae is beautiful xxxxxx
Hi Jennie, What a wonderful post to have written. I am one of the many mothers who blog and chat on Twitter who read your blog and have cried so many tears for your beautiful baby. Just to be able to say hi and introduce myself would be a real pleasure. Hope that doesn’t sound strange coming from a perfect stranger! See you at Britmums. Sam xx
Jennie, I am really glad you posted this. I definitely want to meet you but was also a bit apprehensive about mentioning Matilda Mae. Now I know I can, and I can give you a hug and I can also spend a few moments with you telling me how amazing she was and what I missed by not meeting her. See you at BritMums!!
I’ve only recently started reading your blog. I echo everything Emma said, I’ve read many posts feeling in awe of you. Your post about the aquarium made me so sad because I’ve had many days like that, without the reasons you have. It’s obvious why Matilda Mae was such a beautiful baby.
I’m so so sad for you. I hope this weekend is everything you need it to be, most of all I hope maybe you’ll be a little less hard on yourself. The fact that this post is all about making other people feel better says it all.
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