Esther and William have some challenging behaviour at the moment.
Esther is going through a phase of biting William or hitting him when she is frustrated.
They spend a lot of time just winding each other up.
William seems to be having some anger issues and some proper lashing out, rolling around the floor, throwing himself at things tantrums.
Mostly they only do these things at home but today it has started to spill out, out of the home, and it ruined a perfectly lovely day.
To be honest they both have coughs and colds so perhaps it was all my fault?
Perhaps I should not have taken them on ‘Spencer’ to London for an adventure under the sea?
I like to do nice things for them whenever I get the chance, and with my aunty and uncle coming with us, I truly believed that we would have a magical day.
I packed all of their favourite snacks, a bag full of engines and drivers and even some troublesome trucks, I packed all our best train books and some books about creatures that can be found in the sea.
Everything was planned, the event itself was incredibly well organised, what could possibly go wrong?
The answer it turns out is many many little things that ended up in one emotional mummy frog marching her children back to the train, out of London and home.
Now I am trying to write it down it all feels so trivial but it felt so important at the time.
The toddler who would only be carried by me. Who would not go to anyone else and had an all out tantrum when my uncle tried to carry him.
The constant whining of both children when things were not going their way.
Crying and not saying what was wrong. Crying and crying and crying and refusing to say why.
Sitting on the floor of the aquarium and refusing to move.
Fighting over an inflatable crocodile that had kindly been put out for the children to play with.
Fighting and squabbling about everything and nothing.
The sad thing is that between all the nonsense I think that they did really like the aquarium and were really interested in the rays and sharks.
And now I write this all out
I realise
It was not really them
They did whinge a lot and cry a lot
There was a lot of refusing to walk and demanding to be carried
There was squabbling and fighting
There was nothing that out of the ordinary really
Just that they had been told and asked and warned over and over again
To use their words instead of whinging
To play together nicely and sensibly
To understand that sometimes Mummy cannot carry you
To know that sometimes to keep you safe Mummy will stop you from doing things
To know that if you are told not to do something it really does mean you are not to do it.
Today Esther and William were pretty normal two year olds
Perhaps my expectations of their behaviour are too high?
Perhaps at the moment I am just asking too much of myself as a human being to carry on doing so much with Esther and William when all I really want is some proper time to grieve for my daughter.
Because then maybe then I can be a better mummy for Esther and William.
And not make an almighty fool of myself like I did today.
Not so brave and inspirational now am I?
Just a rubbish rubbish rubbish mummy trying to write through her tears.
It sounds like a tough and stressful day!
You are certainly not a terrible mummy. But I think that perhaps you do sometimes ask too much of yourself. In trying to keep busy all the time, you maybe aren’t allowing yourself the quiet time you need to grieve for Tilda. You’re probably right that Esther & William are just being normal toddlers. But you are not a normal mummy. You are a mummy who is trying to function with a piece of herself missing. Be kind to yourself and don’t judge yourself so harshly.
You are, and always will be, an inspiration to me, and for more than just what you have done since Tilda died xx
Oh Jennie, what you describe looks like such normal things to happen and nothing here is your fault. Maël has hit me again this morning too and I can’t accept it either. And unlike E &W he can’t express his anger with words, so he pushes, hits and throws 🙁
What annoys you is that you wanted the day to go well and it didn’t but you can’t predict children’s behaviour. I can be honest now and tell you how apprehensive we were with R. about M’s behaviour on Sunday! And it all went well and truly made us happy to see E & W. and him have such a lovely time.
What you need is to take care of yourself in order to cope well with stressful situations and today was likely to be difficult with the sleep deprivation, the children’s cold… all this on top of your pain. I hope the time you get for yourself at Britmums and the support of all these lovely blogging ladies will bring you some peace and allow you to ” charge your batteries” as well as to grieve for Matilda.
Maybe this summer, R. and I can look after the children for a day and evening so that you two get some deserved couple time ?
Hugs
You are not a rubbish mummy by and stretch of the imagination, we all get frustrated by our children’s behaviour when in actual fact they are being age appropriate. You do need time to grieve but maybe you’re doing that anyway
Not not not a terrible mum!
When toddlers are in that mood taking them away from the situation is the only option sometimes, you are a good mum for recognising this not a bad one!
I had to do the same today with my toddler. We attempted going to town and she wouldn’t go in the buggy, wouldn’t walk near me, wouldn’t hold my hand to cross roads, sat on floor and refused to move / walk halfway across road when I held her. Just normal toddler stuff but I was so snappy and stressed with her I bundled us in the car and felt horrible when I got home. And I don’t have anywhere near what you have to deal with whilst grieving for your baby Tilda!
You should be proud that you got out with E & W and are keeping their lives normal. When they get older I am sure they will be so proud and grateful to their mama who is doing everything she can to give them a lovely childhood even after going through the most horrible pain a parent could face. That is what makes you an inspiration Jennie.
L x
I frogmarched my two (seven and two) away from a lovely day out on Saturday for much the same behaviour. Two-year-olds are hard enough to cope with even when you have all your emotional resources and energy at hand. It’s bitterly disappointing when what is supposed to be a special experience goes bad, but it happens. Tomorrow is another day.
I have SO little patience for the whinging and crying. I can take just about anything but the whineing for seemingly NO reason really gets to me.
Littlebit is about the same age as your two and has started on this in the last month or so and it can last an entire day. It seems some days she just gets out of the wrong side of bed. And no matter how hard I try I end up losing my rag and shouting at her. I know, deep down, that she’s just trying to communicate her needs and can’t quite make me understand for some reason but it is just SO frustrating.
She goes to Playschool on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Let me tell you, by Monday night some weeks I cannot wait for the break. That makes me feel SO guilty and like such a crap Mum but I know I make up for this in other ways. I’m not all bad and I know that. You should too!
This is a trying time. For you and for them. But don’t beat yourself up about it xxx
Dear Jennie
I have been away from the Internet for a while so have not been in touch but I still think of you all of the time. Even more so today as I read this post. My boy in the middle is the same age as Esther and William (he’ll be 3 in August). Everyday he challenges me. My patience and anger sometimes feels out of control and then I look at his adorable face and think he is still such a baby. He bites and hits, gets so frustrated, screams, rejects me, throws tantrums when things don’t go his way. And yet he is so full of love. I often feel I am failing as a parent because I am unable to know how to be with him and how I can help him. I guess with every stage comes challenges and rewards and we have to give ourselves a break and know we are doing the best we can, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. You have such a heavy heart and I see you wanted to give them a happy day and when it doesn’t go to plan it is upsetting, but please don’t say you are a rubbish mummy – this could not be further from the truth…and the twins know this, they really do. Sending you huge strength…x
J – just a quickie. This is absolutely – 100% normal. It happens to us all the time and to some extent is if I have planned something and E won’t join in. I feel terrible guilt about working sometimes and then get cross with him when he doesn’t want to engage in our ‘quality time’. However some of it is unacceptable behaviour on the part of E and although he is only 3 and can’t control his feelings he needs to know in clear terms what is acceptable and what is not. Children need boundaries and imposing them is good parenting no matter how horrid it feels. I meant this o be a quick email tk say – you are normal and doing a good job – not rubbish mummy at all – as ever I have got carried away…. I think you’re doing great and so are the twins although it may not feel like it x
There really is no need to be so hard on yourself. It’s perfectly normal behaviour and I don’t know a mother who hasn’t been fazed by her child’s behaviour before now. I found my son to be particularly challenging at certain ages but he has mostly calmed down now. Keep telling yourself it’s not your parenting, it’s them and what they are going through is entirely normal. Keep strong and stay brave, hold your head up high.
Jennie – I’m still to catch up on your blog, I’m sorry but I saw this and wanted to say it’s perfectly normal and MC still whines for no reason occasionally (and she’s 4 now!) and it gets to me. I me really gets to me. And I’m not grieving like you are. You are not a terrible mummy at all. You give the twins the world. And more! You do so much for them it puts me to total shame. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. You are still the bravest and most inspirational woman I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and calling a friend. Big hugs for now until I can give you a real one in a week and a half! xx
Ohh Jennie, I have to be honest…I was actually giggling a bit through some of this. I was picturing W & E reading this in years to come…you will all laugh about this post together. My older kids and I have a real laugh when I tell them about days when they were being naughty and stressing me out (even though it’s far from funny at the time when you’re trying to deal with it).
And although you felt stressed and intolerant of whinging and whining, that shows that you are a fantastic Mummy who has high expectations and perseveres with teaching her children about what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Your high expectations will certainly pay off in a couple of years’ time when you have delightfully well-behaved 5-year olds!
Still so brave and inspirational!
(Even though you probably do ask too much of yourself sometimes to carry on doing so much with them.)
It’s just one of those days when kids have a bit of a cold and cough and they are just feeling a bit rubbish and they can’t explain why…sometimes an outing like that is just the right thing that works…and sometimes, for reasons no-one can tell, we come home and think, “well that was a freaking disaster!” 🙂
Jennie you are a lovely Mummy who is understandably so sad at the moment. Trying to deal with toddlers is hard enough but dealing with toddlers while grieving must be the hardest job of all. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself – cut yourself a bit of slack. You would do it for someone else so why not yourself. Sometimes I found that giving my two a day off did us all the world of good. No organised play just time to potter around in the house or garden playing with whatever they choose. And remember Jennie you are a lovely Mummy.
Anna (In the Playroom) and I both commented on our journey back to her house, how well behaved we thought your two were, so we obviously missed their ‘moments’, or we were struggling with our own ‘moments’. I think we all have days where our kids are being normal little ones and not doing things in the way we would like – there are days when we cope with it better than others.
We didn’t notice Esther and William being anything other than well behaved, whilst I was struggling to keep Monkey in the right areas, was constantly having to pick him up and carry him – trust me at 3 and half he is very heavy! So it sounds as if we were all having our own challenges today, but that all the kids did really have a good time.
I have friends with twins and know how tough things can be for them, without you trying to grieve for your little girl. I agree, cut yourself some slack, you have been and are going through the worst ordeal, and still managing to get out of the house, don’t be so hard on yourself xx
I agree with the lady who said cut yourself a bit of slack. It’s awful when tired irrational children ruin a lovely day out – and it happens to us all. I have been that ‘pot boiling over’ mummy many times. You are trying so hard whilst under so much emotional pressure. Remember that many in your circumstances would still be struggling to leave the house. You do need space to grieve and I am so pleased you have your night away prior to Britmums. Little time as it is it will be solely yours. I can’t wait to meet you and give you a hug. I don’t care that you had a bad day, or that you lost your patience. I do that every day. You have faced every mothers worst nightmare and you are here and getting on with it. You will get through this – anyone who reads your words can see that you have the will, the love and the strength xxx
Yes you are brave and inspirational. And yes they are normal children. I have lost count of the number of meltdowns Luka and I have had over the years. Do not be so hard on yourself
xxx
You are not terrible. You are just normal. My husband has been away for 4 days and sometimes I have a hard time with just one 18mth old!
I cannot cope with whinging it literally makes me feel sick. My DH can’t understand why I feel so harrassed by it.
That on top of all your other emotions and needing a time out I think you are marvellous. I hope the twins and you have a better day tomorrow, one day at a time xxx
Everyone has said it so well Jennie. My only comment is that if you really were a rubbish mummy, you wouldn’t be thinking you were, because you would not even be wondering about your mothering skills! Big hugs hun- my twins drive me nuts most days and I am not going through the awful trauma of losing a child. xx
Oh Jennie please don’t say you are a rubbish Mummy, it’s clear you are a fantastic one! This is very normal behaviour for children of their age the amount of meltdowns I’ve had with Alex the last 18 months-especially when ill or tired! We have also had special days ruined by horrible behaviour, I’m sorry your day didn’t go as planned. I hope their colds go soon, and tomorrow is a new day, please don’t be too hard on yourself xx
Just to echo what everyone else has already said. You’re not a rubbish Mummy at all, in fact the polar opposite. And you are also a Mummy who is bearing the worst kind of grief too. Please give yourself some time. And as for the day out with your two wonderful twins, well that was us with our two and a half year old at our local zoo just on the last bank holiday. A special treat with a rare day with both Mummy and Daddy at home and we had a meltdown half an hour into our visit. She refused to walk, be carried, go in the stroller and everything was ‘no!’ Even to the things she told us she wanted to see! We had to leave there and then! Very disappointing for us but from the sounds of it, that is several people’s experience and just normal when you have a little person in the house. Please take care and dont be so hard on yourself. Xxxx
Hi Jennie, reading this and I feel so bad now for coming over today to say hi and probably waffling, when I should’ve seen that you were busy with the twins and not having the best day 🙁 you’re not a bad mum, we (and our kids) all have off days. A bad mum wouldn’t have made the effort to travel all the way on the train to somewhere like the aquarium. Here’s to a better day tomorrow.
You are brave and inspirational because you are still managing to be a normal mummy in times of incredible sadness. Because what you describe is pretty much what I do every day with my own toddler, or maybe worse. Because you are giving sensible warnings and then following through. When I am stressed out and at the end of my rope I just stay indoors and park him in front of the TV, and respond to whining and crying with angry shouting. So count this as a triumph, not failure, and give yourself permission to sometimes do the TV option! Toddlers are exhausting.
Jennie you are not a terrible mummy you are very far from that what you describe is normal for any toddler. xx
I have a 2 year old who’s behaving along the same lines as your two at the moment – driving me around the bend and back, I hate feeling like I’m constantly shouting but it’s hard to stay patient, they know how to push your buttons! You’re a fanastic mum, toddlers are just challenging! X
Brave and inspirational…? Yes. Rubbish…? Nope. Normal…? Ohhhhh yes! I have soooo many days like the one you just described and I’m just a normal mummy trying her best in veeery trying circumstances, because having two active, cheeky, naughty boys IS trying! I do not have to keep my head above water and do all this, however, while grieving my nine month old daughter who only died just a few months ago. Toddlers can sometimes be so EXHUASTING I feel mine could kill an elephant! And I am not in the throwes of grief. So yes, you are normal, no you are not rubbish, and if you got out of bed that morning, put a smile on over your broken heart, got two toddlers to London for a nice day out and then found the time to write about it in your usual honest way then, yes, you’re pretty freakin’ inspirational too. Beautiful human qualities don’t always have to be decorous, in fact they’re often not! xx
oops… EXHAUSTING, I mean. Get the letters the right way round..