There Should Be Three
No breakfast conversation you ever want or expect to have with your two year old twins involves trying to make them understand that their baby sister is dead. That her body has broken and they will never ever see her again.
Nothing can prepare you for the heartbreak you feel when your carefully considered and rehearsed explanation receives a request for more breakfast cereal in response.
You feel like you will never make them understand.
That they will always ask why Baby Tilda is not in her high chair, always want to know if their sister is in her cot having a nap, wondering why we keep leaving her in the house when we go out in the car.
But you keep telling them, you keep talking to them and gradually it starts to sink in.
Baby Tilda has died.
Baby Tilda Mae is up in the sky.
She is sitting on the moon, bouncing on the clouds.
Dancing with the angels and chasing all the stars.
This is all so so hard for a toddler to understand.
You read them stories about old people dying.
You show them books where a character loses a pet.
But they cannot comprehend why their sister would die.
Their tiny baby sister.
Never to be seen again.
Never to be played with again.
Never to grow old.
They begin to know that things are different now.
They see their grown ups are worried and sad.
Mummy leaks bubbles from her eyes.
Even when we are all playing nicely together mummy still starts to cry.
Sometimes it seems the happier we are the more mummy cries.
How can a toddler make sense of that?
You have to help them.
You have to give them things to hold on to.
That help them imagine how and where their little sister might be.
Heaven.
It means nothing to a two year old.
How can it?
And why should it?
It shouldn’t be a thought for someone so young.
But when a baby dies
A baby sister to a curious toddler
It exists
And as parents you have to find the words
Find a way
To make your beautiful confused children understand.
Esther and William have no concept of angels.
The closest they can relate to is fairies.
And for now that is perfect for me.
We talk about Tilda up in the sky.
Living in a magical toadstool house.
Catching the bubbles that everyone blows
Sliding on rainbows
Dancing on stars.
Flying with the prettiest fairy wings
Playing with her funny fairy friends
This is Tilda’s pink and purple heaven
Her playground in the sky
And every day
In some little way
We talk about our Tilda
And imagine her there.
It is both heartbreaking and beautiful in equal measure
I wish I knew how much they remember her
How much they miss her
If a part of their hearts has broken too?
They were wonderful siblings
And I know that the three of them would be closer than ever now
They may not miss the potential of that relationship now
But one day they will
They will always wonder how their baby sister would have fitted in to our daily life
I think this every day
What would Tilda be doing now?
How would she be?
And every day I hurt a little more
As I realise we are all going to have so many unanswered questions
For ever more
I help my toddlers the best I can
To remember our beautiful Matilda Mae
Their sister
Our Baby Tiger
I will make sure she is a part of our family always
A part of their life always
Though none of us can ever hold her hand again
We can hold her in our hearts forever
We can imagine her however we each see her
Playing with the other fairy babies in the sky
And always we’ll blow kisses
Bubble kisses to the sky.
We miss you Baby Tilda
More than any words or jigsaw puzzles can say.
We love you Baby Tiger x
They will remember her, and you will be surprised by how x
Jennie – a most perfect & beautiful little cloud baby she is…… You are so selfless…… tears streaming down my face. I just thought – it will be so comforting to you as your twins get older – they will be so imaginative with new ideas about how you can always remember & celebrate your Matilda Mae, Daughter & Sister xxx
Beautiful. Just beautiful. xxxxx
Such a lovely video Jennie, whenever you doubt yourself, you need to watch it. You are an amazing mother xx
Tears. I haven’t had tears for a while, for one reason or another. Tonight I have tears. xxxxxx
They really engage about baby Tilda so it’s clear from the video they miss her too. Xxx
A beautiful post, as always, Jennie. Baby Tilda will always be part of their lives – the same as she will be forever part of everyone’s lives she has touched xx
p.s. I’m back from Florida now and plan to catch up with you and your blog. You know you are always in my thoughts and always will be. Only 2 weeks until I can wrap my arms around you again xx
So beautiful xx Love to you xxxx
Beautiful words and pictures, Jennie. I still can’t get over how unfair it is. 🙁 I lost a sibling when I was younger, but it was a still birth so a completely different experience to the twins, as everyones is so different. But, you’re right, I have always missed the potential. I go to my sister’s grave, we buy mum flowers on her birthday, and now I have my own children obviously I understand her tears when we were younger so much more. We are three sisters, but we would have been four.
Matilda Mae is so beautiful and special. They will remember her. xxx
Have you ever watched Ckoud Babies with the twins? I think it’s on CBeebies. It’s all about babies who live in the sky. It’s quite sweet.
I’ve had many conversations with my now three-year-old about why her baby brother is ‘just in the photo’. He was stillborn last November and after having read books about becoming a big sister and practising with her dolls, my daughter couldn’t understand why her brother wasn’t in my tummy any more and why he wouldn’t be coming home. Seven months on, she still asks me. As hard as it is to answer, I’m glad she asks – it means that she does think of him and will remember that he should have been here.
I found Michael Rosen’s sad book quite helpful (more for me than my daughter!) and a friend has just told me about a Julia Donaldson book called ‘The Paper Dolls’, which reminds us that we can hold onto precious things in our memories when they are no longer physically with us.
I wish I had answers to your questions, but unfortunately I haven’t. You are wonderful, Jennie, and an amazing mother. You are in my thoughts as always, Deborah xx
PS: my friend’s brother died before she was even born. Until today he remains the big brother she never had, and growing up, she missed the potential relationship a lot. I am sure the twins will feel in a similar way.
I think of you all and of beautiful Matilda Mae every single day, despite not knowing or ever having met you and my heart breaks for you with every post I read, every photo of you and your beautiful children that you share. I only wish there was something I could say or do, but all I can do is keep sending love and strength and promising to keep you all in my prayers xxx
Heartbreaking and heartwarming in not quite equal measure. The facets of your loss are almost too many to bear – but you do bear it so bravely Jennie. What beautiful images of their angel baby sister you plant in Esther and William’s imagination! They will have such a rich store of memories of Tilda thanks to your own wonderful creative evocations. As always, you are such an inspiration to other mummies as well as for your children. With love, Jilly xxx
such a beautiful post and video Jennie xx
Baby Tilda will be remembered by so many people because of you and your wonderful blog. The twins will always have her with them.
I find this heartbreaking. And I think it will only be when your children are much older that the full impact of their loss will affect them. You are in the thick of it just now. And it will never go away. I am sorry. I am so very sorry for all that has been lost xx
A beautifully written post, and video. I love how the book being read is about cars and trains! I think they probably will remember much more than you think, the things my 3yo has come out with the past year has shocked me with how much he remembers, it is so great of you to keep her memory alive like this with them, must be so heartbreaking and heartwarming for you though x x
Beautiful post and video Jennie xx
Hi, im so sorry fir your loss. you are very articulate in expressing your grief and im sure are helping your twins more than you know.
I recently worked with a group of paediatric chaplains on a series of books for young children about sickness and death. One, called Jesus still loves Joe, is about a boy who’s sister has died, which you may find helpful with your toddlers. Here’s a link to a video version of the book. Much love to you
http://www.paediatric-chaplaincy-network.org/media/online-videos/jesus-still-loves-joe/
Just beautiful. Your video is amazing and shows what an amazing mummy you are. Listening, responding, supporting, helping them to understand xxx
I think it’s the best thing to have her spirit alive in your house. My best friend lost her husband when she was 10 weeks pregnant in a tragic accident and she has pictures of him everywhere and they talk about Ted’s Daddy all the time. I am so in awe of her and you xxx
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I am sorry. I am so very sorry for all that has been lost xx