A Third of a Year

One third of a year

4 out of 12

Four long months

Trying to live with out my baby girl

Existing

Doing

Getting by

Getting through

I am so scared

Absolutely terrified

Of starting to forget

Her hair

Her face

Her smile

Her touch

Her chubby little fingers

Her bubbly baby laugh

Her chattering

Her giggling

Her smell

Her beautiful baby smell

I miss waking up to her in the morning

So scared I’ll forget her touch

Her warm mouth

Her nuzzling

Her desperate need to be close

So close

I miss having her close

I miss the kisses

The cuddles

The coy looks

Shy smiles

The cheekiness

The determination

The chewing

The dribbling

I miss so much

So much that can never be replaced

Never had again

I miss my daughter

And it breaks my heart that she is never coming back

One third of a year

4 out of 12

Four long months

Trying to live with out my baby girl

Existing

Doing

Getting by

Getting through

I am so scared

Absolutely terrified

Of starting to forget

19 thoughts on “A Third of a Year

  1. Have you read the ‘Remember’ poem by Christina Rosetti?

    Remember me when I am gone away,
    Gone far away into the silent land;
    When you can no more hold me by the hand,
    Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
    Remember me when no more day by day
    You tell me of our future that you planned:
    Only remember me; you understand
    It will be late to counsel then or pray.
    Yet if you should forget me for a while
    And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
    For if the darkness and corruption leave
    A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
    Better by far you should forget and smile
    Than that you should remember and be sad.

    You will never forget her x

  2. I’m so happy that you wrote this because I’m sure that, even if you were to forget some of those things, the act of reading this back to yourself would trigger the sensory memories of her touch, her smell, her movements, her sounds to flood your brain and she’ll
    come rushing back. Don’t be afraid Jennie. I don’t believe you’ll forget these things, but if every now and then over the years you lose your connection to the memories (you’ll never lose the memories themselves) God will leave you little triggers hidden all over your life, you just have to look for them and the memories will come. X x x

  3. Jennie, I never had the pleasure of knowing beautiful laughing baby Tilda in life, but I will never forget her now she sleeps. And I know her mummy won’t ever lose that cosmic bond that imprints every tiny detail of her baby’s being into her very body and soul. Please don’t be scared. I feel so very sure you’ll always always know her by heart. Mummys just do. Thinking of you, as always, and sending the love and comfort of a stranger, Jilly xxx

  4. Jennie – I haven’t commented for a while because I never really know what to say but I do still think of you all often. Your memories might shift and change and they might become slightly diluted with time but they will always be there. MM is within you, in your heart, in your soul, in your mind. You won’t be loving her or missing her any less if your memories aren’t so vivid.
    You will always be able to recall them from the deepest recesses of your mind with a trigger – think of your post about music – how just the opening bars of a song can instantly transport you back to a certain place, a certain time..a memory you hadn’t thought about in ages..but you are there, living that moment, even for a short while. It might not be a piece of music, but in the months and years to come there will be triggers.
    I came across these quotes by that old bear Winnie the Pooh and you know, he might be a silly old bear at times but sometimes I think he knows what he is talking about:-

    “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something
    you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger
    than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing
    is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.”

    “If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your
    heart. I’ll stay there forever.”

    -Winnie the Pooh

    Best wishes xx

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