It is almost over
The month of May
It seems to have lasted forever
It has not yet been a month since Baby Tilda’s first birthday
The day we sent her ashes to the sea
Time just seems to have stopped
Stood still
Since the night her little boat set sail.
I am mostly feeling numb at the moment
Making it through day by day
But feeling numb
I have no appetite for food
I am eating
But I am not tasting
I am playing with my children
Going through the motions of games and play
I am hearing their laughter
But nothing feels funny or fun.
I think it is finally sinking in
That Tilda is never coming back
There is nothing I can do to change what has happened
There is no way back for us to how things were before
There is only onwards
Forwards
Up?
May is almost over
On Sunday Baby Tilda should be 13 months old
Instead she will be 4 months dead
In 5 months time she will have been dead longer than she was alive
I am dreading that day
I dread everyday
Every day is another day
Another long day
Without my baby girl
It is not right for a mother to outlive her child
The world just never looks right again
How can it do?
When the heart of your world is missing?
I love all my children equally
The hole is huge
That has been ripped in my heart
Our family
Our lives
It cannot be mended
There is no way to stop the pain
You just live with it
Day by day
Sometimes raw
Sometimes dull
Sometimes searing
Sometimes numb
May is almost over
June will soon be begun
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Life goes on without you Matilda Mae
But not for me
Time just seems to have stopped
Stood still
Since the night your little boat set sail
Miss you Matilda Mae x
This has brought tears to my eyes, as it often does when I think of baby Tilda and her short, very significant life. I just wish you didn’t have to go through this, I really do xxx
You are so incredibly brave Jennie, our thoughts are with you xx
So sorry Jennie love. They say time is a healer but I think it’s a cruel thing too. Ticking on without those we love to fill it. Hugs to you xxx
I wish she was with you too, it is so horribly unfair that she isn’t. Thinking of you and sending love. Xxx
I have silently read your blog, your tweets without commenting directly. I only heard of you & your blog after Matilda Mae was already gone. In fact, I found it when a tweet about the relaunch of The Lullaby Trust caught my eye. Since that moment I can honestly say there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about you & your loss. Not a single day when I am not in absolute awe of your strength & blind courage. Not a single day that I haven’t wept for your pain & your beautiful baby. Everyday you move me. Everyday I am amazed by you & the sheer raw power of your pain. I cannot & do not pretend to know your pain, just mean that the power & strength of it radiates in what you so eloquently write. I hope I don’t offend you by commenting, I only mean for you to see & understand that as alone as you undoubtably feel, there are people who think of you everyday & wish for you to have some peace, even though we don’t always make ourselves heard. I am humbled by your grace & dignity, even though you feel the world has ended.
Everyday I look to the sky & wonder what Matilda Mae is doing & sometimes I even build the courage to say hello to her, after all, if it were my baby in heaven I’d like to think other people would think of her too. So what I am trying to say, though not at all well is that as alone as you feel, I and many others are with you in spirit.
I’m so sorry Jennie. I don’t know what to say but can’t read without commenting. Love to you xxxx
Hi. I found your blog on netmums, blog of the week a few days ago. I read it with tears streaming down my face. It touched my heart so much. My baby is nearly 9 months. I am so desparately sorry for your loss. I feel angry for you that your baby was taken from you and I have been thinking about your gorgeous baby girl since i read your blog. She looked beautiful. X
Hi Jennie,
I feel so unqualified to comment, but some how find it hard to just leave without saying anything. In all this, I wish I could offer a word of comfort to soothe the numbness. May you rest tonight, and wake tomorrow with a heart healed a little more than it was today. And may you find yourself again in the midst of the aching. With love x Ange
I think of Matilda Mae when we blow bubbles in the garden. I think of her when I wear my pink star scarf. I think of her when I see purple flowers.
I didn’t know Matilda Mae in person, only through your blog, and yet these things, things that are important to you as a family that you shared with us, remind me most days of her, and you, and your loss – so I cannot begin to imagine how hard each day is for you without her.
Thinking of you x
My love and hugs go out to you Jennie xx
I think of you and Matilda every day. Every day. xxxxx
I know I’ve said this before but while time isn’t a healer as such it helps you learn to cope with that gaping hole. I hope with time the dark cloud lifts slightly and you will be able to enjoy the simple things in life again xx
Oh Jennie, my heart breaks for you every day. I can’t imagine a day when I won’t weep for you and baby Tilda who was stolen away. Like so many of your online friends, I feel ill-qualified and at a loss for words of comfort, but can’t not comment. You should know how significant Matilda Mae and you have become in so many lives. Bless you all, and may love and friendship soothe your poor aching heart just a little, today and every day. With love, Jilly xxx
I know I’ve never met you or had the joy to meet Matilda, but she really looks like you in this picture, so beautiful and thoughtful. In my thoughts everyday Jennie and my pink and purple flowers in my garden are for your baby Tilda…..you both have touched so many people’s lives x x
Oh Jennie, I am so so sorry. I read every post you write, but I don’t always comment – I often just don’t know what to say that can in anyway help. But perhaps just a quick word to let you know that I’m reading and thinking of you, and Tilda, is enough xx
jennie- I have been reading your blog since your little girl died- I came across it through a reference on another blog. My heart goes out to you and your family, but especially to you. I dont know how you are going to reconcile living your life with the death of your baby girl. I just dont know and I have no advice to give you. Words seem to help you, as in writing it all down, and you have such a powerful writing voice. it really is amazing. Your pain is tangible, I can almost imagine myself in your shoes and I wish with all my heart that things were not as they are for you. You dont need me, or anyone else, to validate how you feel or what you write about. You are such an inspirational person but we all know that you would far prefer to have your little Tilda here rather than random people telling you how brillant you are. I just wanted to let you know that you and all of your family have touched our lives and we wish you all happy and joyful lives. Your posts have reminded me of an American saying “fake it till you make it” and the way that you are rearing your twins is definately reminisant of that. Well done and best wishes .
Time does march on and it must seem such a betrayal. The world must continue and yet your world is broken. That will never be right. Im so so sorry xxxxx
Jennie, I can’t stop thinking about you and your family and Matilda Mae. I discovered your blog through a friend, as she knew I was starting my own and I lost a baby at 20 weeks. I have no idea where you get your strength from, but you’re an inspiration to us all. I sat today reading your posts, tears streaming down my face and hugging my baby boy Arthur, thanking God for him.
I’ve put your logo for Messy Play onto http://www.newmamatips.com and will also do the same with my other site http://www.newmamatips.co.uk. I’d like to know how I may get involved in the Lullaby Trust if at all?
Bless you and your family and stay strong.
Sarah xxxx
this bought a tear to my eye jennie you are so brave thinking of you x