My mood has been at it’s darkest since yesterday afternoon.
The darkest I can remember.
I feel irritable.
Insecure.
Sad.
Angry.
I have no patience.
None.
I am struggling with loud noise.
I need to SORT IT OUT!
Esther and William need me to
They need me to do better.
Be better.
It is not acceptable to sit them in front of the TV for tea because I cannot be bothered to talk to them.
It is not good for them to put them to bed when they are clearly not tired because I have run out of energy to care.
David needs me to be able to care for my children
He needs to be able to work a full day.
Why am I so incapable?
I know the parent I ought to be
Patient and caring and kind
I should not shout at my children for throwing their dinner on the floor
They would not have done it if I had been sat with them.
I should not shout at my children for misbehaving in bed
They would not do it if they were put to bed only when they were tired.
I want to enjoy being mummy again
But I am not sure I remember how.
I like the messy play we do.
I love it when we can be outside.
I enjoy having friends and family to play.
It is just the times I’m alone
When we have nothing planned.
What is it that I am so afraid of?
I need to sort it out!
Picture by Schryver Photography
Jennie stop being so hard on yourself! Please! Have you thought about Homestart? They may be able to get you a volunteer who could come over and help a few hours a week, even taking the twins to the park or something if you wanted? Your not alone and it’s ok to feel this way xxxxx
Oh yes, Homestart are absolutely brilliant, they helped me so much when I had PND with my first two babies, you can self-refer xx
Jennie, I can feel the frustration in your words but this is the work of grieving and I know it maybe the last thing you want to hear but its entirely natural, infact I would be more concerned if life had just resumed, this work cannot be rushed or skipped, its part of the process of grief. Kubler-Ross explains it better than I ever could, the work of grieving, it has to come and show its face but you are working through it with courage and strength although you might not feel like it. Please try and be patient with yourself, though I understand thats not easy at all, I agree that getting some support with the children would be helpful in order to help give you space to breathe xx
I was going to say the same….for goodness sake woman you are grieving, you have been through a lot and you are trying too hard to be the perfect parent we all aspire to be but never actually are.
Your human, you have wants and needs and emotions to deal with.
your twins are going through the terrible 2 phase as all 2 year olds do. We all shout at our kids occasionally, will admit to the odd occasion of actually smacking mine as well…..they still love me, still come visit me, and have still turned into wonderful adults.
huge hugs to the 4 of you.
Dearest Jennie – I’ve wanted to leave you a message for a while. I read your posts and I identify with what you are saying. It’s not the same by any means, but it is similar. I lost my Mum to cancer 18 months ago when my youngest was just 8 months old. My world came crashing down. I went on autopilot a lot of the time and felt and still feel like a second rate Mum, not fulfilling my duties as I feel they should be fulfilled. All I can say is give yourself time, have no expectations; none. Take each moment and see what transpires. You are experiencing the need to grieve but you can’t because you have the responsibility of the twins. You need space by yourself but you can’t have it because the twins need you. You are carrying on your blogging responsibilities yet really what you need is peace and space to just “be”. Being a Mum doesn’t always give us the space that we need when life throws us big things like this to deal with, but if you feel the anger growing, then I would see a counsellor (if you are not already) so you can talk to someone neutral who is nothing to do with your situation. You are amazingly strong despite what you feel inside. Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself experience all the emotions, you can’t be perfect at a time like this. You have to be human. Just be. Sending you much love xxx
The fact you are so conscious of your current perceived failings demonstrates what a great mother you are. But you are human, not an automaton. I doubt there is a mother out there who could do better than you are doing at the moment in your circumstances.
Everyone has days like this, without all that you have been through, don’t be too hard on yourself. I prescribe a glass of wine and an early night and a hug of course xx
I know you’ve heard ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through’ millions of times but I really can’t imagine. You’re doing so well. I haven’t even been through anything like you have but I am guilty of putting my 7month old to bed early simply because I’m out of energy. I do that because I’m selfish but you do it because you are emotionally exhausted and grieving a huge loss in your life. You’re not selfish like I am, you’re amazing and I wish I could help you but I just pray for you daily xxxx
That is a stunning photo. And it also shows immeasurably just how much you love your son. There is no doubt that you love all of your children but you r finding being a mum so hard right now because you are grieving. You need to grieve. Have u thought about making use of the lullaby trust’s bereavement counselling? I wish there is more I could do but I think you need to talk to someone that can really help. Sending you much love
xxxxx
Your children love and adore you. That is not going to change. Only a robot could come through this hellish time without falling to pieces. I don’t know your support network locally but please accept all the help you can get in term of family and friends. The twins are at a tiring age. You need physical and mental space and at the moment you are getting neither. I echo what many others are saying about counselling. I think it could only help, and it would be regular time for you away from the home, where no-one needs you to pretend and put on a face xx
Jennie please don’t be hard on yourself, you have been through something so terrible, something you shouln’t have had to go through and now you are picking up the pieces but it will take time. You are a fabulous mum, you do so much with WIlliam & Esther, you are entitled to have down time if you need it, which of course you do, and there is no shame in that.
Its clear for us all to see that you love those little ones. xxx
My stepbrother had similar thoughts after his wife died. He spent so much time thinking he was being cross with the kids or that they were playing up because he was too busy grieving to care for them – but we said to him then, he had to remember that they are small children; we all get cross for no reason, we all get tired and put them to bed early. We all do this, yes you are grieving, but you are parenting the same way as any other tired parent of small children. You will make yourself feel worse if you blame your grief for them throwing food on the floor – they would do that anyway, its not bad parenting.
I know it must be so difficult, but please don’t feel too hard on yourself. I often have days with my two where I do exactly the same food and bedtime-wise. You’re a better person than I am already re the sleep, as we ALWAYS put them to bed at 7pm (unless a special occasion) as I am just zonked by that time, and this is regardless of whether they’re tired or not. I wish I could be someone who could keep them up until they felt tired, because I was still happy to have them around. I do enjoy their company, and love them to bits, but man, I feel drained by the end of the day, and I’m not going through what you’re going through. You’re stronger than you think, remember that. x
As everyone said, don’t be hard on yourself. It is completely normal to feel like this after losing Matilda Mae. I’m ashamed to say that I sometimes feel worn down by life and feel the same way of my children and I haven’t been through what you are going through.
As someone said, it’s positive that you are so insightful of how you are feeling.
Keep blogging honestly. It will help you and others on your journey.
So sorry that you are having to go through this.
Love to you all,
Claire
xxx
You’re a good mum having a bad few days. You’re allowed to. Because you are able to identify all the things that have made you query that, it shows you’re a good mum. HUG!
Jennie, you don’t have to be perfect, you are a wonderful mother and it’s so clear that you love your children so much. A little extra television-watching at this extremely difficult time will not have any impact on their long-term development, you are still doing lots of amazing things with them, but when you need a break you have to find ways to take it. Putting the TV on and trying to get them to bed early are quite understandable coping strategies, but I hope you are able to find some help and support, Homestart or otherwise, to give you a proper break and space to grieve. And as others have said, I think that some counselling might be helpful. You set very high standards for yourself, and I can relate to that, but perfectionism and depression are linked, and certainly that has been an issue for me. If you saw my messy house you wouldn’t think I was a perfectionist, but I am. I am trying to relax, but the most common reason I shout at the children is because of the state of the house, and if they throw food on the floor when I am already stressed it tips me over the edge. I love it when we can eat outside and do so at every opportunity, even with coats on 🙂 I think I should just take to feeding them in the Tuff Spot! Sorry for the long waffly comment, and if you don’t liike the unsolicited advice please ignore it, but know that it comes with lots of love xxxxx
Be kind to you and give yourself the compassion that I know you would give others. You are dealing with something huge, something enormous. Know that you are doing the very best you can right now and that is all you can ever do. xxx
Children can be very draining (particularly at this age) and we all shout and snap on occasion but they really don’t remember. Last year I felt like an awful Mum when I was struggling with severe illness and exhaustion through pregnancy, Alex was about the same age as the twins now, I couldn’t be the Mum I strived to be, I didn’t feed him proper meals, I barely played with him and tried to get him to sleep at the earliest point possible, but he doesn’t remember any of it now a year later and still loves me just the same. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you are grieving and it’s going to be hard, I echo what other’s have said about counselling it might help, it will give you some time on your own or perhaps together with David? Otherwise have you any friends and family close by that could have the twins on a regular basis one morning/afternoon weekly just to give you a break and a bit of piece and quiet, even if just for an hour? xx
Oh Good Lord, I’m going to have to de-friend you RIGHT NOW!! 😉 (But I never will!) My kids eat in front of the TV all the time and I shout ALL the time (seriously, I’m hoarse more often than not!) and while I know that some of it’s just because my kids are different personalities than yours and I’ve become the sort of parent they need me to be (robust, active and a little crazy!) mostly it’s just because I fail to live up to even 50% of my own standards (and frankly, I don’t aim that high…). And yet somehow they are happy, and beautiful and wonderful boys and utterly secure, in away I never expected them to be. I have lost no babies, I haven’t half the amount of pressure on myself in terms of promises made to others to live up to (auctions, deadlines, emails to answer to, things to organise, tuff-spots to paint and blog!) as you and I am STILL not doing as well as you are!!! And even MY meagre parenting is somehow ok! You are really doing better than you think!
I’m kind of jesting a little, poking fun at you a little, athough my heart is breaking for you, because if it wasn’t so, so painful for you, what you’re going through, it would be amusingly ironic… You are AMAZING. Not because you’re strong (although you are), not because you’re selfless (although you are) and not because you’ve achieved so much (although you have)… but because you are YOU and so, so beautiful in your honesty and your grief. You CAN’T fail at this Jennie. There is this perfection you aim for and I won’t tell you not to, because in aiming for it you are doing incredible things and being a wonderful, awesome mother to Esther and William under the most extremely testing circumstances that life can offer, but while you aim, try to see yourself from a distance the way we all see you… SO beautiful in your raw grief doing such beautiful, loving things, having a little shout sometimes (big deal! I shout all the time – toddlers are freaking annoying!!), having a cry sometimes (GOOD! – it needs to come out) but all the time, being so present and honest and real and exemplary, quite frankly.
I used to believe that all things were perfect in the Universe, unfolding the way they need to for all souls’ (not minds, or egos, but souls) greater good, no matter how much we judge them to be less than perfect. I have to admit that your loss of Matilda Mae has challenged my view and I’m not sure I understand at all anymore how THAT can be perfect… I’m thinking and thinking and working on it, but I don’t understand! But while the situation is far from perfect, try to see your own perfection in the great scheme of things, the way I AM sure God sees you if I’m sure of nothing else, the way you see Esther and William as being perfect and wonderful though they can’t yet tie a shoe-lace or do trigonometry or drive a car – so they’re always growing and learning and outgrowing themselves, do you judge them harshly? No! They’re perfect because they’re always doing perfectly within their situation and their stage of life and their place in the Universe! And so are you. Perfect, I tell you. Perfect. x x x x x x x
Totally agree with you. Infact i have just shouted at my 4 year old for not making his train track as i want! We have not done any messy play which he so wants to do because i am tired! And the baby is lying next to me in bed and i have not once spoken or played with her in the last 5 or so minutes! I must be a terrible mother then. Please please be easy on yourself, i do think is it us saying how strong and brave you are doing this because you are allowed to be scared, weak, emotional, moody….
Oh Jennie, you are putting far too much pressure on yourself. You are ONE person! I happen to think that you are one AMAZING person but I fear that by me saying that, I may be helping to further increase all of this pressure on you. Your achievements in the last 104 days have been totally incredible and you have opened your heart to us all in your writing but I wonder, could it now be time to slow down, breathe & reflect a little? Could it be that you have been running on empty for too long now?
I’m not an expert in anything really except maybe perfectionism and overanalysing. I think I’m a good person and I try to do my best at being a full time Mum but if I’m honest, I too have put the TV on whilst my girls are having their tea purely because I need a break. I too have shouted at them both for reasons that are really MY fault. I have also let them nap for longer than I should because I’m enjoying my time alone. If these things are unacceptable then I am not the good Mummy I thought I was.
But if I didn’t do these little things to relieve the pressure every now and again, what kind of Mum would I be? I think probably a fictional one! It’s impossible to be perfect. We can try but actually we won’t always succeed – that is a fact.
Jennie, what I think you need to “sort out” is your ‘way too high’ expectations of yourself. As many others have said before me, please please be easy on yourself, please just give yourself a break.
Sending love and big hugs xxxx
The picture says one word to me ‘adoration’ beautiful Jennie… I have pondered about what to write for ages not wanting to just ignore you…. Try not to rush…… Try to be easy on yourself…… Perhaps listen to music in those empty times…….? I can only begin to imagine what it must be like & I’m sorry I don’t have the words to make it better……you are being so honest & humble Jennie – I have such respect for you & I cry out to God for you x
Hi Jennie,
Big hugs to you. Thought of you today. Just give yourself time. Be as patient with yourself as you long to be with your children.
xx
Xxx
You lovely, lovely mummy! Shall I lend you my twitter handle for a while? … Mum on the brink. 😉
Although the name came out of a very low time, it always had in it the promise of a more positive brighter future. If one is only on the brink of it all unravelling even further, then there is no hope, no future… and that’s not you! Just look at the posts tonight- this and one that finds the fun in the days, that shows a wonderful, thoughtful, attentive mother. A very strong lady, who is making it through each day as best as she can.
You need to look after yourself, allow yourself me (and Tilda) time not just art the end of the day, when you are tired. Can you rope in some help to get you that time? Time when you don’t do, you just are.
… and keep in mind cheeky, lively, intelligent toddler twins would try anyone’s patience! Heck I came up with Mumonthebrink from just having one of those. 🙂
Love and hugs.
I’ve known that your moods have been getting darker recently but it’s to be expected. The grief is still so raw so you need to not be so hard on yourself. You have more love and patience for Esther and William than I ever could have. I do think you need extra help to get you through this journey. Sending you love from afar xx